IO, would it melt you enough to have enthusiastic sex with your husband if he took you on a romantic getaway vacation to Tahiti, with a little side trip over to Bora Bora, walked on the beach with you holding hands, took you to candlelight dinners, sightseeing, and had fun with you?
Just curious, because my wife and I did something very similar to this and we both had a lot of fun. The only disappointment for me was that it did not make her one bit interested in having sex. I mean zero, nada, nothing in that department. Oh, yeah, she even liked kissing. But no sex.
She thought you were bribing her. What about pushing buttons on her which will start to turn her on? What about base and raw attraction?
I mean are the buttons and mind space BLOCKED for the H but not others?
With the raw attraction, was there must have been something which attracted you initially. What about raw attraction within your package which gains you that type of energy from the types of the opposite sex who do like someone like you? The characteristics, the energy, the dress, etc?
I know some of you SSM guys have been stuck in the position for a long while, just trying to get some feedback going back and forth and discussions which will help all of us whether in the current relationships or in new ones.
What will blow your mind coming out of a SSM position is how easy and normal sex is with a relationship partner who likes you and doesn't have the hang up.
SSM [censored] and a co-worker was just talking about a "sexless marriage" as a real and common relationship format.
I think if I saw the trip as a bribe (ie, let's have sex in this here exotic locale)
Interesting. My wife seems to think the same way. Did it not occur to you that any man could hire a beautiful young escort and have sex all night for a small fraction of the cost of a cruise? And so if that man chooses you instead, could you not see it that he is also interested in your companionship and that, literally, he puts a much higher price on that?
See, this is what I find so laughable about a wife saying "all you're interested in is sex!" No, if that's all I wanted, I can get that any time I want, no wife or girlfriend needed at all.
I honestly don't understand, and probably never will, how some people can have their head so deeply in the sand on this. Then again, I'm probably blinded by my high libido. It's hard for me to see things from a different point of view.
I think if I saw the trip as a bribe (ie, let's have sex in this here exotic locale)
Interesting. My wife seems to think the same way. Did it not occur to you that any man could hire a beautiful young escort and have sex all night for a small fraction of the cost of a cruise? And so if that man chooses you instead, could you not see it that he is also interested in your companionship and that, literally, he puts a much higher price on that?
See, this is what I find so laughable about a wife saying "all you're interested in is sex!" No, if that's all I wanted, I can get that any time I want, no wife or girlfriend needed at all.
I honestly don't understand, and probably never will, how some people can have their head so deeply in the sand on this. Then again, I'm probably blinded by my high libido. It's hard for me to see things from a different point of view.
She is focused on she knows you want sex. She is focused on that she doesn't think she should have to give it just because you did x, y and z for her.
You have to look at it from her perspective to understand what you are dealing with.
But from your perspective being in this position may be an intolerable situation. That an exit strategy goes into place after a timeline has been reached.
She is focused on she knows you want sex. She is focused on that she doesn't think she should have to give it just because you did x, y and z for her.
You have to look at it from her perspective to understand what you are dealing with.
I can see the logic. If you have no sexual desire yourself, then you would see it in those terms. "He does this and that for me which he presumably wouldn't do if he wasn't trying to guilt me into sex which I wouldn't do otherwise."
It reminds me of an article about sexless marriages some years ago in a well-known magazine. It described how modern women felt much freer than their mothers to have sex whenever and with whomever they wanted in college. But by the same token, unlike their stay-at-home mothers, modern women today who are dead tired after juggling a job, kids, chores, not to mention a sex-crazed husband, don't feel they should have sex unless they jolly well feel like it.
SSM- give me a link to your story...I have a couple of "what I would have done's" as the "LDS" but it may not be applicable. In my case if H had sat down and said I cannot live this way, let's (notice not me alone) but let us both get some help with this, or I am done, I might have listened. Can't guarantee, because a lot of things, not just the sex, would have had to change.
By no means am I actually low desire at all, I am finding out lol!! It was just tied into so many things in my marriage that I could not extricate my physical desire for H from all the emotional baggage I was carrying. His fault? Not entirely, but not entirely mine either.
Maybe for some women wanting physically is enough to have sex whenever, wherever, with H, but I realize, not for me. That is a huge revelation, but one I unfortunately did not come to in my marriage and therefore could not say to H "It's not that I don't desire you, it's that I need this fulfilled first. It's no good having sex and then feeling just as lonely and unfulfilled afterwards..at least for me
There's something funny I've noticed about many of the online marriage forums, in particular some other well-known ones. It seems like there's a disproportionate number of people who have affairs, and are "in the fog" and are all caught up in their "love" and emotions and leave their spouse, only to come back, and be confused, and in turmoil, etc. etc. It's just an unbelievable amount of drama. But I hardly ever see mention of "friends with benefits", which is widely known and discussed in other contexts. Yeah, believe it or not, a lot of people in sexless marriages are having sex outside their marriage without any drama at all. Perhaps they're relatively happy about it and are not posting on forums. I guess it's only the people who are having huge emotional dramas around sex and love who are posting on these forums?!
It saddens me to realize that I was able to contribute to this posting in the first half of 2010 and while I have gotten out of the situation which caused me to be SSM, I still haven't gotten my sex life the way I would like it.
My SSM was starting in splotches around 2007.5, when I got evidence of the wife at the time cheating on me. Occasionally she would still [censored] me to "get her some", but then in our fight she shut me all the way off.
To stay in a SSM position is a passive position, and the passivity also penetrates other areas of your life.
There's something funny I've noticed about many of the online marriage forums, in particular some other well-known ones. It seems like there's a disproportionate number of people who have affairs, and are "in the fog" and are all caught up in their "love" and emotions and leave their spouse, only to come back, and be confused, and in turmoil, etc. etc. It's just an unbelievable amount of drama. But I hardly ever see mention of "friends with benefits", which is widely known and discussed in other contexts. Yeah, believe it or not, a lot of people in sexless marriages are having sex outside their marriage without any drama at all. Perhaps they're relatively happy about it and are not posting on forums. I guess it's only the people who are having huge emotional dramas around sex and love who are posting on these forums?!
It was "The Captain" or one of the other SSM posters, made the observation that once people get their sex life back in order that they move on from this place.
Posting to this place too often and reviewing it IS wallowing in self pity. At some time period, you have to get over it whether with or without your spouse.
Some of the spouses are withholding from you due to "bullying" you. Is that acceptable?
Two things, although I think they go hand in hand.
The passivity of acceptance is one. I think an S can accept an SSM or has to basically say "no go". Because it just leads to resentment, actually, on both parts. H tried to initiate, got rebuffed, never said "Look, this isn't working..." and took forever to leave. I don't even know if he would have left if I didn't bring it up.
Bullying is the other. It is a form of bullying, our position is dominant to yours. Is that the way you want a marriage to be?
