So, this might be my last thread. I DB'ed on and off since March of 2011, when my H's A was in full bloom (without my knowledge.)
His A ended, but he said he wasn't 100% committed to our M bc something in the back of his head drove him to seek "something different." He wanted the excitement of a new R; he didn't want comfort or stability. He wanted adventure. We saw a MC--who was terrible--and even though my H had a brief period in which he was 100% committed, he went back to being 80% committed, to not sure, to wanting to move out. He moved out in Feb 2012. When he moved out he said he was pretty certain he would eventually come back. But at the end of April he said he wanted a D. That's when I started seriously DB'ing. Joined the board in June 2012. I thought DBing was working really well (too well) but in Sept 2012 he announced he wanted a D so he could "move on." He filed.
In December of 2012 he seemed to be coming around again, which brought my hopes up, but when I asked whether we should delay the process, he said he still wanted to "move forward." That I was the perfect wife on paper and that my changes would make our M potentially good, but he still wanted a fresh start. He wanted to date casually and learn what he really wanted in a R. He said he never had the chance to do this bc he was too young when we got M.
I went on a well-deserved vacation and decided I deserved much better. I gave up. Now, we're going through the D process, which has brought back the sadness and angry feelings to my life.
I'm aware the D will be finalized (don't even see potential for a miracle here) but even though I couldn't "bust" my D, at least I grew as a person and met all on you, my friends.
Do I wish things were different? Yes. Do I wish for a different ending? Yes. Do I feel that letting go is in my best interest? Yes. Do I think my H will realize his mistake and try to come back to our R? Yes. Do I think that when he tries to come back, he will have already lost me for good? Most probably, though not 100% sure, since I do love him unconditionally--even if I'm extremely angry at him and can't believe the way he's behaved. Do I need your support and advice? Yes. I really do.
