We enjoyed the great Texas weather while visiting my wife's Dad over the past five days. Managed to get in a few fun activities but were somewhat limited on what we could do because of both her Dad's interests, and my wife's recent illness. But worst of all, she had her wall up as high as ever. She just can't allow herself to have fun with me. She is depressed/troubled/quiet much of the time. Wouldn't even accept a hair brushing.
The sharing a bed issue never came up, as our room had two beds. Good thing too, especially the first two nights, as she was hacking up quite a storm. I was happy to not be in the same bed with her. Just being in the same room made it impossible to stay asleep.
Between her cold symptoms... and cold treatment of me, I ended up staying awake much of the night just thinking about everything. I was planning how I need to start truth darting, and letting her know that I'm not waiting around forever. At one point I even convinced myself that a mail order bride was the way to go! I kinda put that one on the backburner for now...
Over the past year I sometimes thought I might be strong enough to wait this MLC thing out. During this trip saving this marriage often didn't seem worth it... maybe not even possible.
When I intervened to stop Dad's dog from potentially running into traffic, he took great offense and went off on me! I apologized, explained the reason for my actions, and said I never intended to step on his toes. Wife backed me up, so I guess that's a good sign! Later Dad apologized to me, but wife is still worried about a couple of the comments from the incident, and the potential fallout when the story gets around.
I feel some truth darts, maybe even a letter explaining where I stand, is coming to a future near us. What do you think?
I'm thinking about asking if she sees any room for us being H & W again at any time in the future.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Hi FY, At the end of the day it has to be your choice regarding to either divorce her or not, or to wait it out. Remember it's YOU that has to live with your own decisions.
First, I would make sure she is physically healthy, I don't know about you, but when I am sick is NOT the best of times to hit me with serious stuff, know what I mean?
Idk, the majority of my truth darts were snuck in when she had started a discussion, or was dumping/sharing her issues, whatever...rarely do I initiate a truth dart (but that doesn't mean I won't)...YMMV.
Quote:
about asking if she sees any room for us being H & W again at any time in the future.
This ^^^^^ could sound passive.
Maybe something like, "W, its been 1 year and X months, this limbo is not okay. I need to know where you are at so that I can plan my future".
I am sure others have something better, but you get the idea.
It is up to you, naturally. Plan, think, pray/meditate, practice. Then do it again, just to be sure...
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
FY, definitely wait till she feels better---I hope you stay healthy!
And what kind of response do you expect (based on her current behavior?) If you feel you won't like the response, then there's no point on asking the Q, unless you want that as a lead to tell her you won't take it anymore.
So if you want to keep waiting this out, then don't ask anything yet--unless her behavior/words reflect a change of attitude. I asked my H only bc he was behaving so lovingly and affectionate, and expressed doubt many times. And yet, he still answered he wanted to go through the D. So, see my point?
Rest up tonight, and thank you for your support and help.
Thanks Tori, T^2, and Delboy. I agree that when she was sick would have been a bad time to bring up/ask questions about the marriage, so I never did. Instead I only showed a PMA and acted as pleasant as I could.
I guess I felt so hurt because the intense time together on our 5 day getaway really drove home how she feels about us. Physical contact has been totally cut off, and emotional contact is down to almost the bare minimum required to civilly coexist.
It doesn't even seem to matter if I try to connect, or pull away, nothing I do shows any progress. I do know I could easily make things worse though, so somehow I buck up and soldier on... for now.
Now that we're back home on our normal schedules, I feel better. Still not sure how to proceed though. Maybe what I do doesn't even matter.
She sure has her issues deep inside though. Loves the song "Creep" by Radio Head.
Originally Posted By: Radio Head
I wish I was special You're so f'n special
But I'm a creep I'm a weirdo What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here
I don't care if it hurts I want to have control I want a perfect body I want a perfect soul I want you to notice when I'm not around You're so f'n special I wish I was special
She sang to this while doing dishes tonight. Afterwards I came close to asking her if she thought she was special, but held back. Could anything good have come out of doing that?
It's pretty obvious I feel I need to do or say something. I fear that the longer I hold it in the more I'll explode eventually. I think I favor the hand written letter. But you bring up a great point Tori... am I prepared for the answer? I soon may be.
On the positive side she's been reading a book called "Women, Food and God", so it seems she may be working on something inside that pained soul of hers. Is it safe for me to ask her about this?
Will I still be there when she figures it out?
I will continue to build up my GAL. Thanks for the support, all!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
"Afterwards I came close to asking her if she thought she was special, but held back. Could anything good have come out of doing that?"
No, I don't think anything good would come of asking her that. Based on the lyrics of the song and her high wall I think it is clear that she was not creating an opening for such a question.
I think you and I are experiencing some similarities in our sitches. Hang in there.
The song: -Could be an expression of where she is at, my W did/does the same, many times I wonder/ed. That particular excellent song rings true to high schoolers/young adults still (per my oldest). And even to us oldesters in transition.
-Could just be just a song she likes, knows the words to, and can sing in key...W claimed this a few times when I asked (the song was "Someone I used to know", and a lot of Red Light Kings songs).
Fun (?) to speculate, but try not to read too much into it.
Sounds like she is really turned within, in withdrawal, re-read the stages of MLC here....
As for the book, check it out from the library and read it yourself, see what you think it might mean, then decide if you want to ask her.
Personally, I would let sleeping cats lay for a while longer. And that is what I am doing right now as my W is seemingly in a similar phase...
As always, YMMV...
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
FY, I agree w/T, leave things alone for a while. You are expecting things and you must keep your expectations at zero at all times. She's processing things in her own way and you can't rush her or she'll run right back into the rabbit hole. This is a very, very slow process and it's one step forward, five steps back. In stead of focusing on what she's saying, singing or doing, turn the focus back on to you and what you can do to keep yourself busy for a while longer.
FY, your wife has a ways to go and the best thing you can do is just let her be. If you don't know what to say, listen to what she says and follow her lead, but don't try to have any conversations w/her about the relationship just yet. She's not ready to have them.
Sit quietly and the answers will come in due time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
