not sure where to go from here

[Tallula]

Ok, you and I have similar situations. My DH announced one day that he wanted a D, then a few days later told me about his A. This was on 11/17. I started DBing a week later, all while he continued to see OW, sleep on the couch a say every other day he was leaving.

I really looked at myself and his compliants about our R. Most were just crazy WAS stuff. Never good marriage, blah, blah. But, many were valid. Kids became my life, made other things more important than him, not as affectionate or complimenting, not into ML...even though we never did less than 3 times a week our whole marriage. Thats actually a slow week. I figured out my 180's, worked on detaching. I didn't ask where he was going, what he was doing. I set some boundries such as no calling or texting OW from our house. I gave me more compliaments, and was affectionate.

We've had ups and downs, you can read my sitch in my thread. He ended it with the OW, but doesn't want to defriend her on FB. We fought about it several times over 2 days. Why? Because I kept bringing it up. He gave me his answer, not willing to right now. Somehow I believe if I talk about it with you enough, you will see how crazy this is and answer me how I like it. Yep, you really have to look at you, like Michelle says. I keep a journal of my 180s and write in it every morning and night. So I look at what is going on when we are getting along. Huh, it's usually when R talk is not happening and I just take an answer for an answer and not keep bringing things up. When I'm detached from his actions.

You and I have only be DBing such a short time. I have seen serious progress, and have had some backsliding. Focusing on you and the parts of you life that aren't in turmoil is awesome! I read Sandi's rules everyday. This is not a race.

As far as cake eating, you need to figure out what your boundries are and calming state/show him those. Was it cake eating for me to still ML with H while I knew he was with OW, maybe. But I wasn't willing to not do it. It's when I focus on me, that things are the best in my sitch. Regardless of his actions. I try my best to quietly celebrate the small changes. I lost my way a bit the last week when I got to hopeful. But, I already feel so much calmer. Good luck to you!! I feel for you!