Wife has now officially asked for a seperation

[NateWade51]

On a positive note we have communicated really well the last few days. She has initiated contact everytime and I have tried to keep the conversation light but Monday we talked about some relationship stuff that got deep.

In that one I ended up telling her that my goal was to be the best I could be to make her want me back. She told me that she wanted me to date so I'd have someone there for me, to which I replied that I didn't want to date anyone right now.

[MrBond]

"In that one I ended up telling her that my goal was to be the best I could be to make her want me back."

Ouch. Don't EVER say something like that to her. Makes you sound like a stalker. Don't tell her how or what your changing. Just do it.

[NateWade51]

I did not know that, here I thought I screwed up by talking about our relationship and where it currently is at.

To be truthful I didn't say those exact words, but it was something like it. I can't remember exactly.

So how should my interactions go with her? Should I let her ask the questions and just answer them?

[MrBond]

How much of DR have you read?

[NateWade51]

All of it, but I don't have the book anymore because the W took it. She asked me about it in one of our counseling sessions and wanted to read it. I didn't see the harm in it so I let her have it.

It is a great book but I believe I need to pony up the cash for DB Coaching to help tweak my plan of action to suit our situation and the situation changes daily.

If I need to get another copy I can order another one, or find a bookstore that has it. I wish there was a Kindle or Nook version of it.

[SM34]

I believe the book specifically tells you not to give the book to your WAS or even mention it. They will think everything you are doing and all your changes are a ploy to get them back.

Not sure what the veterans think....

[DaddyLongShanks]

I believe the book specifically tells you not to give the book to your WAS or even mention it. They will think everything you are doing and all your changes are a ploy to get them back.

Not sure what the veterans think....

I've been around here for a while. I've been starting to think that when you get into a WAS position with what was a spouse, that you have to look at the situation as if it was a "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" who did the same thing to you.

He or she cheated on you and is with another woman or a guy. How would you behave.

I'm also now of the opinion that many of us never needed to "improve" anything about ourselves, that we were fine as we were.

However being stuck into a LBS position with a WAS who has bailed on the relationship, you may as well focus on yourself and fix or work on things that you need to do.

Also, in being married, maybe we should never become too settled, keep our attraction up to the opposite sex, play a few games to keep our spouse on their toes and thinking. However the base and fundamental reason why we decide to be with someone, after having this information has to change.

Be married or in a long term relationship with someone you REALLY like, even without money and sex. If the foundation and basic principles of the relationship have a lot of legs to stand on then you may not get into these troubles to begin with.

[MrBond]

Go back and buy another copy. She already has it so you can't do anything about that. But all the questions you are asking are covered in the book. In what other ways have you worked on improving yourself. Losing the weight is a GREAT start. Have you changed anything else physically? Maybe get a few new clothes and hairstyle.

Then continue to work on your character on just the things she had issue with.

[NateWade51]

I don't remember it saying that in the book and it covered both sides really well. She has mentioned that she likes it because she can now see where I was coming from (before this all happened) and we are working on better ways to communicate. I will pick up another copy, though. Losing weight, going out with good friends, I did buy new clothes (I have to since I've lost so much weight) and I have been making the switch from printed t-shirts to button down nicer shirts when I go out. I use hair products (never used to before), started using cologne again. The biggest thing she had a problem with is the finances and since I handled those I think she puts a large amount of blame for them on me. So right now I am focusing on putting together a financial strategy for myself that will pay off all of my revolving debt, put money aside for a rainy day (so I don't have to rely on a credit card should something big happen, or I want to do something big), and continue saving for retirement. I am also refocusing my life back on God. I haven't been to church or talked to him in nearly 2 years. I stopped doing devotionals, and frankly stopped being the spiritual leader that He has called me to be in the household. That is something that I know she finds important.

She has told me that she is comforted knowing that I will be close by so if she wants to come over, or help me walk the dogs, watch a movie together, etc.. I am right there, but she has also said that this time for us will be good because it will give us time to "lick our wounds" and heal/grow as individuals. I agree with her, as long as I use this time wisely.

To everyone who has replied to this thread, you have been positive support for me. I am glad I found this website and the books. I have come from "My life is over" to "this is going to be a transition, and it may be painful, but it will end up being good" and I have many people to thank for that and many of them were here on these forums. Thanks

[MrBond]

Keep those positive changes going. So far you're on the right track.

"She has told me that she is comforted knowing that I will be close by so if she wants to come over, or help me walk the dogs, watch a movie together, etc."

You have to break this cycle. She has to understand that she CANNOT just come and go as SHE pleases. She has to sense a need of loss that you might not be around.