My wife took a job in Colorado and during the training time I decided to keep my job here in Washington for the end of the year bonus money, which we could use. This was back in April, 2012. We saw each other about 4 times during this period and each time we ended up fighting about something little. Finally she called me and told me that she was no longer sexually interested in me (I'm a fat guy, was at 425lbs. as of October 1st.) and that she was looking at other men and one guy even made an advance towards her which she told him that she was married. I think this was a ploy to get me to start taking better care of myself like when we were dating, instead of taking the clue I blew up. Called her a cheater, wrote on Facebook to all of our friends what she was doing, all kinds of stupid stuff. I admit, that was DUMB. She called me back a few days later and was angry about me telling everyone about our problems, rightfully so and we start talking some more and she tells me that she is done. She loves me but not in the marriage kind of way. She is tired of watching my health deteriorate because I'm lazy (I'm only 31), she is tired of being behind on bills and living paycheck to paycheck. This happened around the middle to end of October. Middle of November I flew out to spend a weekend with her and there wasn't much coming from her. Even though I started going back to the gym, eating much better, and working on getting us caught up in the finances.
So we decided at that point to do couples long distance therapy, and I started reading The Love Dare and a couple of other self help books. During this time, she has gone on at least one nature hike with her boss (a guy) and I caught e-mails between her and him talking about what an amazing day she had with him and pictures of food for two cooking on a campfire (even though she swears it was a group of them, there were no pictures of other people, just her which she was sending to him). I also found out that she had, at the time, a Match.com account and was advertising that she was going through a divorce even though she told me she wanted to work on it. I confronted her about those things and she apologized about them but said nothing was going on between her and her boss. Finally, because I didn't feel I could trust her anymore I tracked her cell phone and she found out. Now, I know that was dumb and there was a little voice in the back of my head telling me to NOT do it but I wanted to know where she was going. It lasted for about 24 hours but that was all it took. I was trying to desperately hold on to any shred of our marriage that was left. In the end I was just pushing her away. This past December 8th, she asked for a separation, said she wanted to be free from me, the finances, everything. She felt smothered and being tracked, etc wasn't helping the situation.
So I found this website, found out that everything I was doing was wrong. So now I am focused on getting out and getting a life. I'm not waiting for her to call me anymore, I'm exercising more and focusing more on my job. I do have my tough times when I have a little downtime but I still want to be committed to this marriage. I know I am not perfect, and I know I made mistakes, but I also love my wife even after all of the things she has done to me.
I don't have much money, I did order the Divorce Remedy, but I am also coming here for any additional help or ideas.
She was always controlled by her parents even in college they controlled her money and then we got married shortly after and combined our finances then. She then went into the Army and they controlled her. We were planning on having children and she hit me with the "I don't want to have children" talk right before this all started. Which is fine, children were the last things on my mind even then. After having a good conversation with my dad he told me that my uncle did the same thing to his two spouses (he's divorced once, and now separated) where he didn't want to be responsible for anyone else except himself.
We have one more counseling session on the 28th and then she is flying to see my Jan 10th for a week. She says she is excited to see me, to see if there is anything she can cling onto that will give her hope we can fix our marriage. I think we really can, I know I am a different man. I know what her priorities are right now and I know what she finds important in me but I don't know if 7 days is going to be enough to show her that.
I have been slowly getting out of my funk and doing fun things with friends. It has been great, and the key to not having bad days for me is keeping myself busy so my mind doesn't start to wander. I have also lost a significant amount of weight with the exercise and diet and I'm now down to 368lbs which is with in spitting distance of where I was when we first were married. My ultimate goal is to get down to 240-250. I have never been this driven to reach that target before.
As far as reading DR, I have started it. I am on chapter nine right now (after a weeks worth of reading it) along with reading The Love Dare. I have found both very helpful. The 180's I am working on currently is detaching and being distant. Before I did the stereo typical begging, pleading, talking about good times and for all of these the W just went farther away. So for now I am trying to keep my distance, not saying "I Love You", not talking about future plans, and taking it one day at a time. I have also started up my separate checking account and we have split the bills. She manages hers, and I manage mine.
Since Dec 8th, she didn't talk to me for a week and a half and now she calls or texts me, just a little at a time. Yesterday I did set one expectation and that was for her to willingly (I emphasized that I was not forcing her and she was to do it only if she wanted to) call me sometime between now and Jan 10th and ask me how my day was going. Jan 10th is the day she flies in from where she is living now to spend a week with me. She seemed okay with this and was a bit surprised at first. She asked if she was to call me every day, to which I answered no, she didn't have to call me at all if she didn't want to OR she could call me every day or every other day. Whatever she felt like doing. Was this okay to ask of her?
Also, during the week of Jan 10th to Jan 17th how should I act around her? Should I "Act As If" and seduce her, ask her out to dinner/dates? Or should I keep my distance and act as friends? She is viewing that time to see if there is anything there that she can hold on to, that we could build on. I am confident she will see something there, but I am unsure how I should act around her. Maybe just trial and error?
Finally she called me and told me that she was no longer sexually interested in me (I'm a fat guy, was at 425lbs. as of October 1st.)
When she tells you things like this, don't argue with her!! She's being helpful to you, she's telling you exactly what the problems are. So listen to her and do 180's on those things!! Don't say you'll change and then go back to old routines, show her through ACTIONS.
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and that she was looking at other men and one guy even made an advance towards her which she told him that she was married. I think this was a ploy to get me to start taking better care of myself like when we were dating
I doubt it was a ploy. If she's no longer attracted to you then she's going to look elsewhere.
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Called her a cheater, wrote on Facebook to all of our friends what she was doing, all kinds of stupid stuff. I admit, that was DUMB.
Very damaging to any attempts to reconcile.
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This happened around the middle to end of October. Middle of November I flew out to spend a weekend with her and there wasn't much coming from her. Even though I started going back to the gym, eating much better, and working on getting us caught up in the finances.
Great, those are good things. But understand, this is a marathon, not a sprint. It's going to take months and months of her seeing your improved behavior before she believes it's for real. Be patient, do not expect a sudden turnaround. It took her months or years to get to this point and it's going to take that long to turn it around too.
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Finally, because I didn't feel I could trust her anymore I tracked her cell phone and she found out. Now, I know that was dumb and there was a little voice in the back of my head telling me to NOT do it but I wanted to know where she was going.
Nothing good ever comes of this. You either find things out that you didn't want to know or she finds out what you're doing and it sets back your reconciliation attempts. Leave her alone. You need to give her time and space to sort things through.
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This past December 8th, she asked for a separation, said she wanted to be free from me, the finances, everything. She felt smothered and being tracked, etc wasn't helping the situation.
Use this opportunity to give her the time and space that she's been asking for. Leave her alone!
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I know I am not perfect, and I know I made mistakes, but I also love my wife even after all of the things she has done to me.
So what are you doing about it? Make yourself perfect. Make yourself the spouse only a fool would leave.
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We have one more counseling session on the 28th and then she is flying to see my Jan 10th for a week.
Read the sticky at the top of the forum (Sandi's 180 tips). LIVE those tips, ALL of them. It's critical that during this time with your W you show her a different you, someone who is strong, confident, independent, good looking. Even if you're still carrying extra weight you can still spruce up your wardrobe, wear cologne, always be clean and well manicured. Don't be the needy slob she left, be the guy she was attracted to early in your R.
So I am down to 360lbs, I look and feel great. I am about halfway through the visit with my wife and we are actually getting along very well. We are in that "friendship" phase and we have also had some deep conversations about what we want out of a marriage and where we want this to go. She saw DR sitting on my nightstand (I have finished it) and asked me about it. Once I told her that this book was what helped me jump start my reformation of who I am today and who I want to be tomorrow she asked if she could read it. During this time she also asked me to move in with her when I move to Colorado. IMO, all small steps towards the end goal of saving this marriage and making it something better. I do have some questions.
One of the conversations we have had is that she doesn't feel an emotional spark there. She says she desperately wants to feel it because she believes that is what I deserve. Right now she doesn't want me to touch her, so no holding hands, no affectionate touches, no sex. She wants this, or so she says, but doesn't know how to proceed. Any ideas on how I should handle this situation? Should I just let it progress, or are there somethings I can do to nudge her in my direction?
My other question is preparing to move in with her. It's a one bedroom apt. so there isn't much room, should is it too early to make moves to re-attach? Or should I still stay distanced?
I feel we have taken a step back now. After a deep conversation a few nights ago (after I wrote the last post) she now is scared with a stranger moving in with her. She said that a month ago it seemed like a good idea but now that the time is coming closer she is getting scared at the thought of me moving in. She compared it to the high dive, from the ground it doesn't look like much but now that she's up there it is real.
She also feels that she has given all that she has in the last 10 years and she has nothing left to give. I think it's time for me to move to Denver to be closer to her, but keep my distance still. This is not going to be easy, and I feel like there is no way to avoid divorce. Any encouragement and advice at this point would be greatly appreciated.
First - congratulations on your weight loss. The "bomb drop" unleashes chemicals that are very useful to weight loss (I swear I'm going to study the biochemistry of it some day!) so use it to your advantage.
As for the move - you yourself weren't confident about it being a good idea to move in with her, so don't be upset that she feels the same way. It probably is good to maintain separate places right now. That way, too, you can work on always looking good when she sees you, create some mystery about what you're up to when she's not with you, create some longing etc.
Also - are you moving there for a good job for you? If it's a bad career move for you - think twice. Because if you move there, end up unemployed or underemployed, it won't make you an attractive prospect.
You didn't mention kids, so I'm assuming you don't have them? If so, how come two employed adults are having such difficulty with their finances? What do you need to be working on there?
Also - go on FB and look up a guy named Ernest Gagnon - his story will inspire you, I promise.
Be the best YOU can be, my friend, and she will either be drawn back to you, or some other, better woman will appear in your life. Keep the focus on you.
Thank you on the weight loss. I really don't look that big, my doctor says he thinks my normal weight would be around 300 lbs. Weird I know, but if I were to drop another 60 pounds I would probably be around the 20% body fat range which is in the normal to slightly obese range for guys. Less than 20% and I am in the normal range. I am going for less than 10% (6 pack abs) body fat.
As for the finances, we started out not having much money and compounded that situation with bad financial choices in using credit cards. Now we are both making moves to clear up all of the bad debt which is, I think, partially the reason she doesn't want me to move in with her. I think she puts a majority of the blame for those problems on me because I handled the finances for most of the time; although we generally made decisions together I was the one who was actually writing the checks. I think she's testing me to see if I can get my life straight financially. That's fine, and I will because I know what needs to be done in that area.
As for moving and the job, my employer is willing to transfer me and while I have two opportunities for promotion here in Washington I will have an opportunity for promotion there in Colorado and I really don't like the weather here. I do love Colorado and all of the sunshine it offers. I also have some great friends there while I don't have much in the friend department here in Washington. I think overall me moving to Colorado, even if not for her, is a good decision.
Also you make a good point about the living together. I wasn't sure of it, so why should I expect her to be too. I was blinded by the fact that we were moving forward with our relationship and I felt that it was finally back on track that I thought that's what I wanted. I think living apart will be a good thing for both of us.
In the end I will not stop with these changes, but I still hope that we can find each other as a married couple by the time it's all said and done, even though she says she is firmly convinced that there is nothing there anymore. Maybe she just needs a break to put her energy into something else to recharge that part of herself?
I think my wife is dating another guy, she has some sort of relationship with him. Maybe it's just friends, someone she can confide in but she calls him almost every day for an hour if not longer and he calls her back. He's much older, and he's also the person who trained her for her current job. I am having a hard time not confronting her with this but I know I can't otherwise that will just push her away more. Does anyone have any ideas on how to control this? What has worked for you in this situation?
