My H cheated for over a yr...tells me daily Im the cause of a his problems...calls me a C-t daily..says we not married..abandoned us for days n mos at a time. He tells me daily he hates me. Screams at my kids constantly. Gave my S a bday card this that read Love dad n Maria. He laughed n high fived the kids n joked that moMmy thinks he has a gf and the truth was..he had a gf all yr named Maria. He goes out every night n when i ask where he going Im told none of your F-in business. He took our money when we didnt pay our mortgage n bought a sports car n ran us into debt all along buying presents for OW n taking her out every day. Im not being defensive but from my perspective things are pretty bad I cant imagine it can b worse for someone else.
me-42 H-41 S-12 S-8 M-15 yr f/o bout OW- 11-29-12 H moved out 10-31-13 Filed for divorce 12-27-13 D- 10-21-14
Oh I've seen much worse. I've seen situations where the WAS would get the LBS arrested and thrown in jail or accused of child molestation, steal, lie, etc.
So I have to ask then, if your H is that bad to you, why do you want to stay married to him?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Good question...guess im hanging on to how it was before his MLC n the OW. Before this he was loving n kind. He changed. Somewhere in the back of my mind I keep hoping Ill see a glimmer if the man he was n have my life back. The more time goes on I lose hope that life will be what it once was. I dont want to keep living in the past. I want a better life for my kids. That is why I need to move on.
me-42 H-41 S-12 S-8 M-15 yr f/o bout OW- 11-29-12 H moved out 10-31-13 Filed for divorce 12-27-13 D- 10-21-14
My H cheated for over a yr...tells me daily Im the cause of a his problems...calls me a C-t daily..says we not married..abandoned us for days n mos at a time. He tells me daily he hates me. Screams at my kids constantly.
That's not acceptable behavior. That is abuse. I would politely and calmly tell him that you are done being treated like that and that if he doesn't stop then you will consult the authorities about your options. But here's the important part- make sure that you are 100% prepared to follow through on your threats.
He is angry and lashes out at me. There are many times we do get along but the times he is mean and cruel it is abusive and hurtful. He mainly gets this way when I question where he is going or what he is doing. I have really been trying to get better about not saying anything to him. I can usually go so long before I get upset about it since the kids get upset about it. I feel like he yells and calls me names to change the subject and try to divert the conversation from why he is doing what he is doing. He never said or acted this way prior to what I assume is a giant MLC. Since last weekend I've pretty much been dark. I don't talk to him unless I have to. I asked him not to contact me by phone unless it pertains to the kids. I feel a lot calmer and more in control since I've backed away. That is why I am considering throwing in the towel. If you do stick it out and they do come back and work it out, does anyone feel like your friends and family will look at you like your crazy for even considering it? My family thinks I'm crazy for even tried to stay with him. I know they have my best interest at heart but I feel as if they will forever look at me like I am a total dope for even giving this a chance if I do hang in there.
me-42 H-41 S-12 S-8 M-15 yr f/o bout OW- 11-29-12 H moved out 10-31-13 Filed for divorce 12-27-13 D- 10-21-14
so, after the last post I just backed off. Stopped talking except for important stuff or about the kids. Didn't ask where he was going or what he was doing. Now, thing seemed to have greatly improved. He is being nice, no name calling, no arguing, no leaving at night. We even went out this weekend to do errands as a family. Something my kids were amazed at since it has been over a year since we have done anything together. Is this LRT that is working, or am I looking too far into it? It is only a small step. He still isn't sleeping in the same room as me or being affectionate. Does this take a long time to happen? Or, is he just cake eating and I am crazy. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.
me-42 H-41 S-12 S-8 M-15 yr f/o bout OW- 11-29-12 H moved out 10-31-13 Filed for divorce 12-27-13 D- 10-21-14
Ok, you and I have similar situations. My DH announced one day that he wanted a D, then a few days later told me about his A. This was on 11/17. I started DBing a week later, all while he continued to see OW, sleep on the couch a say every other day he was leaving.
I really looked at myself and his compliants about our R. Most were just crazy WAS stuff. Never good marriage, blah, blah. But, many were valid. Kids became my life, made other things more important than him, not as affectionate or complimenting, not into ML...even though we never did less than 3 times a week our whole marriage. Thats actually a slow week. I figured out my 180's, worked on detaching. I didn't ask where he was going, what he was doing. I set some boundries such as no calling or texting OW from our house. I gave me more compliaments, and was affectionate.
We've had ups and downs, you can read my sitch in my thread. He ended it with the OW, but doesn't want to defriend her on FB. We fought about it several times over 2 days. Why? Because I kept bringing it up. He gave me his answer, not willing to right now. Somehow I believe if I talk about it with you enough, you will see how crazy this is and answer me how I like it. Yep, you really have to look at you, like Michelle says. I keep a journal of my 180s and write in it every morning and night. So I look at what is going on when we are getting along. Huh, it's usually when R talk is not happening and I just take an answer for an answer and not keep bringing things up. When I'm detached from his actions.
You and I have only be DBing such a short time. I have seen serious progress, and have had some backsliding. Focusing on you and the parts of you life that aren't in turmoil is awesome! I read Sandi's rules everyday. This is not a race.
As far as cake eating, you need to figure out what your boundries are and calming state/show him those. Was it cake eating for me to still ML with H while I knew he was with OW, maybe. But I wasn't willing to not do it. It's when I focus on me, that things are the best in my sitch. Regardless of his actions. I try my best to quietly celebrate the small changes. I lost my way a bit the last week when I got to hopeful. But, I already feel so much calmer. Good luck to you!! I feel for you!
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Thx Tallula..it is very hard. I am not a patient person by nature. I don't want to wait around if he is just being cordial to make things easier but I am wasting time thinking they are getting better. I probably just have to stick it out longer. The fact remains that he is home more and being nicer and so things have gotten better. I am not crying anymore and I am taking care of myself and my kids and doing my own thing. I want to keep on this path and remain strong. I think that even if he doesn't come around at least I will be better for it.
me-42 H-41 S-12 S-8 M-15 yr f/o bout OW- 11-29-12 H moved out 10-31-13 Filed for divorce 12-27-13 D- 10-21-14
I did a little back slide yesterday. Things have been moving forward and my house is getting more stable again. Last night H went out said he was going to supermarket at 8PM. Didn't come home til 3AM. I can only take this so many times doing the 180s and not asking where he is before it stresses me out. I am not sure I am cut out to never ask where he is all the time. It is too hard. I don't know how other people do this. Got in an argument this morning. I told him I know he has one foot out the door and I can't take it anymore. Started a big argument. I left for work and that is where we left off. I know I shouldn't have said anything especially since things are getting so much better. How do other people do this? How long do I live with someone that doesn't have to be accountable for what he does yet lives in my home?
me-42 H-41 S-12 S-8 M-15 yr f/o bout OW- 11-29-12 H moved out 10-31-13 Filed for divorce 12-27-13 D- 10-21-14
I know I shouldn't have said anything especially since things are getting so much better. How do other people do this?
You do it because it makes things better. You said yourself that things were geting better, I presume because of your DB'ing. So why back down now?
Quote:
How long do I live with someone that doesn't have to be accountable for what he does yet lives in my home?
The accountability comes later. You can't hold him accountable now because you have no leverage other than kicking him out. Save your marriage first, then deal with the trust and accountability issues.
Always ask yourself two questions before you do or say anything to your H (this is from DR):
1. What is my overall goal (save the marriage)? 2. Is what I am about to do getting me closer to or farther from that goal?
