Next Step, Moving On

[littleGTO]

Hi, nail,
Haven't posted to your thread yet, but just spent the last 1/2 hour reading the entire thread.

First, I agree w AS & Bond--don't move out! You are not making your W move out--she is making a decision to leave the M, therefore she needs to leave. The fact that kids will be "displaced" are part of the consequences of her actions. AND, they will still be in their own home when you have them, which should be half of the time.

In all of your posts, you are focused on your W. What are YOU doing to GAL? What 180s are YOU doing consistently? How are you trying to detach? Your focus needs to be on YOU.

Keep up w the no R talks. That gives her space. I agree completely w the 10 second rule. If what you want to say after 10 seconds is still on your brain ask yourself if what you will say will HELP or hinder the sitch. Do LESS talking, more listening.

VALIDATE her feelings instead of trying to defend yourself. Her feelings are REAL to her. It doesn't matter if you think they are a skewed view of reality...they are HER reality and therefore are just as real as what you perceive as reality.

There is a book called From Abandonment to Healing. I suggest you read this. It gives 5 stages (similar to 5 stages of grief) specific for the LBS. It helped me understand where I am.

The truth of the matter is that you can't rush through stages just to get to the other side. You have to give yourself permission to "feel the pain." Just try not to exude these negative feelings while around your W.

Good luck, nail!

[dorightman]

Thanks GTO. I understand what to do. Unfortunately, w is adamant on me moving out. Tonight we talked about it and I told her that I thought because she wants the separation/divorce and I want R, a part of me thinks that she should move out.
Her response was that I was a low life man for displacing the kids and it would be more expensive for them to move rather then me. She also said that if that was the case, she would file for D immediately. My response was that I wasn't threatened by that because she want a D anyway. She then threatened that she has been collecting evidence that I threatened her and the kids by being emotionally unstable in the house and that I acted inappropriately in front of the kids and also in front of several of her friends.

She also said that if I would have moved out last August when she asked for separation, we might be reconciling by now. But because I didn't and I had some emotional outbreaks in front of her, her friends, and our kids, it is now too late and she is beyond R and only wants a D.

So, I feel that she has me backed into a corner and I have no other option but to move out. So I told her we should work out the money without a third party. Her response was that if I didn't agree to mediation, she would file for D and we would have to go through a nasty D.

After I left the house to spend the night at a friends, I called her to calm her down so that we could both have a decent night of sleep. I told her I would look at the apts for rent tomorrow and that she could make an appointment for the mediator. I also asked her to please try to understand that the reason I didn't move out right away and had some emotional breakdowns was because I was still in love with her and that she should give me the time to catch up to her and her detachment. That she was way ahead of me because she planned this a long time ago and just dropped it on me last August. She said she could feel empathy for me as long as I didn't act out emotionally. I asked her to please not file for D because we could always do that and it was final. I asked her to give us time separated to see if our feelings might change during that time.

I again feel like I have no hope, she is done and has been for a loooong time. I feel like I just need to accept it and try my best to move on. She has an answer for everything. She thinks the only reason a D would be bad for the kids is if I blamed her for it to the kids , or if I abandoned the kids. She said that if I did the right things, the kids would be fine and we could have good relationship, just a different relationship.

Feeling really bad right now. Feeling backed into a corner, feeling like I should just give her what she wants. If I really loved her, I would set her free right?

[Drew]

Not up on your sitch so just a few general comments:

Don't move out. If she wants out, she can move. And why do the kids have to move?

She's playing you like a fiddle. All her threats are to get you to do what she wants, nothing more.

[MrBond]

Don't let her continue to bully you. Feel those things in your pockets? Those are b@ll$. It's time you started using them. Have you contacted the L yet?

[dorightman]

Yes I will see L on Friday. My thoughts are that if I make her move, the chances of R are less likely

[AnotherStander]

Her response was that I was a low life man for displacing the kids and it would be more expensive for them to move rather then me. She also said that if that was the case, she would file for D immediately.

LOL! You're the low life, so she's going to file for divorce to teach you a lesson. Yeah, she's got a lot of character!

She then threatened that she has been collecting evidence that I threatened her and the kids by being emotionally unstable in the house and that I acted inappropriately in front of the kids and also in front of several of her friends.

I feel like I've been transported back to the elementary school playground. That is beyond juvenile.

She also said that if I would have moved out last August when she asked for separation, we might be reconciling by now. But because I didn't and I had some emotional outbreaks in front of her, her friends, and our kids, it is now too late and she is beyond R and only wants a D.

Isn't that practically word-for-word what she said months ago? She needs a new script. It's all your fault, if you just would shut up and bow to her demands then everything would be perfect, blah blah blah.

So, I feel that she has me backed into a corner and I have no other option but to move out.

Woah, wait, what?? Did you READ what you typed up there? She vents and acts like a little baby and you think you have "no other option" but to cave to her demands? Whether you reconcile or not I think you should expect to be treated with at least a modicum of respect.

So I told her we should work out the money without a third party. Her response was that if I didn't agree to mediation, she would file for D and we would have to go through a nasty D.

More demands. I have yet to read a single negotiation point between the two of you. All I read is you offering something, her telling you no, it's her way or the highway, and you caving.

[dorightman]

Yes stander, you are correct. I think she feels like our m in the past was all a out me, so now she needs to be the one in charge. Self esteem issues? Revenge?
Makes me feel like I might be better off without her.
The only way for us to get out of gridlock is for me to give, no other way as I can see it.
I've been trying to fight for our m now for six months, and granted I understand that may not be very long for DB, it has taken a toll on our family.

I want to move out just for my own peace of mind . I might be done with my M at this point, I don't have much fight left in me, I give!

[AnotherStander]

I've been trying to fight for our m now for six months, and granted I understand that may not be very long for DB, it has taken a toll on our family.

I want to move out just for my own peace of mind . I might be done with my M at this point, I don't have much fight left in me, I give!

I hear you brother. We're offering advice, but in the end you know your sitch better than we do and you know what's best for you better than we do. If your heart is telling you to go, then do it. I know you've read what we've posted and I know you've seriously considered it, so if you move out then I'm confident you did what you feel is best for your sitch after considering all options. Regardless of what you do just keep your PMA intact and hold your head high, you are the master of your own destiny, not your W. You're leaving because it's your decision, not because your W made you. I wish you the best, maybe this will get your W's attention.

[dorightman]

little GTO, thank you so much for taking the time to read my sitch and for your advice!

I really have been struggling with whether I should move out or not. My w has been pressuring me and threatening me to move out for 6 months. She has been telling me that because I didn't move out 6 months ago, I missed the window of opportunity for R. (Now it's too late!)

I have had a half a dozen emotional breaks in that time. I have been trying my best to detach, struggling with it really.

All of my friends & family have been telling me to move out & move on, for me and for my family. My w keeps telling me I should be with someone that can love me properly because she can't.

She has said that one of her biggest problems with our R is that I don't hear her. That it's always been about me and she has been unhappy for most of our M of 10 years. Thats why she says the first step for me to prove to her that I really love her is to hear her and that means the first step now is to move out because thats what she wants. Without that step, she feels its more of the same...

As time went on, she became more aggressive in getting me to move out and last Nov. began using words like harassment and domestic abuse.

I got scared she was going to call the cops and have me removed from our house, so I started sleeping at a friends and coming back to the house during the days to care for our puppy and spend time with our children (6 & 9).

Now she says she's done and wants a D because of how I reacted to the sitch.

Her parents are D attorneys and she's been getting legal advice the whole time, so Im sure she has been manipulating me to get what she wants. She has recordings of our daughter calling her cell and saying she's scared because daddy is upstairs yelling ( when I had an emotional breakdown in our house one night).

She has two girlfriends who I talked to about our sitch who will be her witnesses that I acted emotionally in front of them and our kids.

I'm not sure how far she would go to get me out, but she's definitely threatened the worst.

I agree with you, Bond, and Stander that if she wants out, she should be the one to go, but I love her and I want to save our M. I feel like if I don't go, there will be absolutely no chance of R. I also feel that at this point if i go, there still is no more chance of R, because she told me that.

So now, it feels like damage control. The outcome will most likely be D no matter what, so I need to put the kids first and I feel guilt knowing that w will take the kids with her if she really moves out. I don't want them to have to leave their home. I also don't want to start a legal battle with w because she has unlimited and free legal advice and I don't have enough money to win a legal battle.

I don't want a legal battle at all, and w has agreed to do everything out of court through mediation. She doesn't want it either, but has said that if I don't do what she wants, she will start the legal battle and as a man, I know it won't work out well for me.

I'am on the edge of the cliff of moving out now. I have signed the renters agreement and all I have to do is give the realtor 2 months rent.

I will see a L on friday to find out my rights.

I will give her space and validate her feelings if she initiates a conversation about R. Right now she thinks Im gonna rent a place and move out, so she's calmed down. But, she's already seen me go back on my word to move out and she doesn't trust anything i say at this point because I've teetered between staying and going many times.

My DB coach told me to drop the rope because its a tug of war. She told me to look for an apt together, show acknowledgment. She feels that me moving out may not be the wrong decision in my case.

I feel conflicted to the max!

[eyesopen]

Nail,

You keep saying that she will take the kids with her. I feel like you are not telling us something. Are you saying she won't let you see them? You have rights as a father.