Rinse, repeat, replay

[Raine]

Thanks for all of your words of encouragement. In so many ways I don't want to know, but in other ways I know I'm protecting myself better by knowing.

I'm doing pretty good, I think. Been trying to get to bed early and get plenty of rest. I'm still tired most of the time. I did get an STD test, even though H said I didn't need to. Baby is doing fine and Dr has let me know that he is not being affected by this, but the other kids would be by "mom being sad." I seem to be able to keep things pretty together, especially around the kids. That was not the case in August, but I've recovered a lot since then. I have such a "suck it up and get it done" personality, and that's working well for me right now. My mind spins incessantly, but I'm not sitting around. A lot of time my mind is spinning on future plans and where I want to be in a years time, irregardless of H.

The kids seem to be doing really well, despite dad being a loser. He came over to be with them a few nights ago for 2.5 hours while I went for a massage and he didn't do anything with them. He just watched tv the whole time and they were hanging out in their room when I got home. He rarely sees them and then when he does, he's still so self absorbed. I guess it's signs like that that helps me realize I'm looking at it the right way. There is more going on than just cheating.

I still hate that tightrope feeling of not knowing how much I should respond to him and how much I should ignore him. He seems to be pretty happy around me, always wanting to tell me something new. I hate that he has such an avoidance personality and has buried all of his problems for so long. Makes me feel like this will go on for a long time because he is not going to deal with any of his demons. He will just keep ignoring them. It's been two months since I've had any kind of break down in front of him, so I am happy for that.