W now says ILYBNILWY. Told me she feels trapped. If we didn’t have kids, would ask for a separation. Our marriage has ALWAYS been a bad one. Feels nothing inside for me. Doesn’t see a fix. Has been to counseling with me but no help.
Typical WAS talk. Don't take it too personally. That's the way she feels now, but it could change later.
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I’ve seen a counselor since August working on jealousy issues. Doing MUCH better. I read DR. Been giving space as much as I know how.
OK, good. How about your 180's, what faults have you had in your R and M and what are you doing differently?
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She accuses me of violating her trust by digging.
But you admit that you HAVE been digging. Has it stopped?
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Obviously, I’m trying to do what I can to pull us back together.
That's not what DB'ing is about, it's about working on you, making yourself the H only a fool would leave and giving her time and space to work things through. The more you try to pull her the more she will resist and pull away.
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Seems to me like I’ve got a MLC on my hands. Trying to avoid having a WAW too.
She already is a WAW. She may be there physically, but mentally she already checked out.
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I need people to talk to about this, but I can’t talk to friends or family. W says it puts more distance between us cause she feels I am rigging a jury.
Yes, that is exactly how the WAS perceives it when the LBS starts talking to friends and family.
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The next was a phone call. Logistics stuff only. Got a kind of soft "bye" on the end. The kind of way she used to talk to me when she would tell me she loved me. I always took it as a signal of an open door to comm with her again.
Don't overanalyze every word she says and how she says it. I know you want to see progress wherever you can, but you've got to accept that it's just not there. You're not going to see progress for months. Be patient. Believe me, if she wanted to open that door again you would know it. She'll make it clear, it won't be just the way she says "bye".
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As I mentioned earlier, these outings have a tendency to happen at dance clubs and I think dance clubs are a recipe for disaster for a marriage. We had a MAJOR setback at a club together last week.
How was the club the trigger for this? Please explain, sounds like there might be something in this story that would help explain the dynamics of your M.
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A 180 I am doing is NOT calling her. It is a struggle for me, but I have answered her call and responded to her text and email and that is it.
Believe me, this was tough for me too. I would sit there waiting for W to send me an email or text. But when she did (and it was rare) it was always something disappointing- kid logistics mostly. You've got to let it go. Quit contacting her and quit expecting her to contact you.
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Came home from my trip. Kissed my wife in greeting. Didn't turn her cheek to me like she has in the past, but didn't return my kiss either.
Stop the kissing, clearly she doesn't want that. It's pressure and pursuit. No hugs either. Let her initiate all physical contact.
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This disconnect between us has been running now for about 6 months. I just don't see it going on like this forever.
Sounds like what you've been doing isn't working. Time to change the dynamics. Try something different and monitor the results. Read Sandi's DB tips (sticky at top of forum) and LIVE them. Read DR, work out your 180's and baby steps. Settle in for a long haul!
