W will do what she wants. Time for ME and D3 !!

[AnotherStander]

AnotherStander and Leopoldstotch, thank you guys so much for offering your knowledge to me,i certainly do appreciate it.

You both have very valid points although they perhaps contradict each other somewhat. But I have had a lot of contradicting advise on here, so I guess in the end you go with your gut.

I read Leo's post and felt he and I were telling you the exact same things. The only difference I could see is that he mentioned moving out whereas I said the LBS should stand their ground, but other than that our thoughts and suggestions were the same. But you focus on perceived differences and want to throw our advice out and "go with your gut". But if our guts were right then begging/ pleading/ justifying/ explaining/ negotiating would bring our spouses back and this forum wouldn't exist. So don't throw the baby out with the bathwater.

I know it doesn't really matter what the diagnosis is for any of our WAS but 25 said that your wife fit more of the mlc than WAS because she was leaving the family not you.

Honestly I don't go back and read my own threads, so you probably know more about what's in it than I do. But I think you are still stuck in "diagnosis" mode like I was. You want to overanalyze everything. Here's the deal- it doesn't matter whether my W was MLC or WAS. And it doesn't matter what your W is. What matters is YOU. YOU need to work on YOU. The DB'ing approach is the same for MLC and WAS. So quit fixating on a diagnosis and get busy with DB'ing.

I believe there is what they now call a Quarter life crises that mostly hits women in their early 30s.

Like I said, quit fixating on a diagnosis. I did it too. I did it a lot. My W was MLC. My W was a WAS. My W was in perimenopause. My W should get off of anti-depressants. I sent my W articles and links showing her what was "wrong" with her. I finally came to realize how destructive that all was and I focused on me and my problems and issues (there were many). Now that my W is talking about our M again, let me assure you, it was not my diagnoses, article and links that changed her mind. It was seeing me change into the H she wanted all along.

It is well documented and seems to occur mostly in women who got married at a young age. We got together when W was 17. So perhaps there is something there.

There's nothing there that leads anywhere. Get unstuck from this pattern.

So, my plan from now on is to GAL and GAL some more, and ignore what she does. You are all right in that it is so hard to get going with that!

Not so much "ignore" as "not be affected by" what she does. That's detachment, when you get there then nothing she does or says will affect your PMA.

25yearmlc, you said that since I only had one friend I must never have had good self esteem. Without getting into a long convo

Followed by long convo, LOL! Seriously, quit explaining/ justifying. Just go out and GAL and make some new friends!! We don't need lengthy explanations of why you don't have friends. I had no close friends at BD either, now I have quite a few in my support group.

Yesterday when W was leaving for 1.5 hour drive to OM, she said do you have $10 I can take with me in case I need something? I gave her the $5 I had in my pocket =)

(shakes head)

I had told her last time that I she can't be using our marital money for those trips and that our money is only for groceries and things D3 needs.

Then why did you give her 5 bucks? Are you sending a consistent message?

When she feels the loss of power, perhaps she will rethink this whole situation.

You think she has power over you now? That you need to take it back? That when you do, she won't have it anymore and will need to rethink things? She doesn't have power over you unless you allow yourself to remain codependent. If you release yourself from the codependent bonds, you're not taking power from her. You're just freeing yourself. Whether that will trigger anything in her DOESN'T MATTER because you have got to do it for you.

So GAL GAL GAL. I am going to start working out. that is my number one GAL right now.

I hear you talk a lot about what you're going to start doing later. Talking about it is not GAL.

I still have faith my wife will change her mind though think it will take time. I need to change as you all said, and I need to become the husband only a fool would leave.

Yes, exactly. When are you going to start?

I would be the first person to be divorced. My W knows that and so this is how her POWER becomes hard to overcome.

Your W has no power over you. I'm not sure if anyone has recommended the book "Codependent No More" yet to you, but if not then you should check it out.

BUT, this is a website and accompanying book, and DB coaches that help you try to get your marriage back! It sure seems like a lot of people forget that on here!

DB'ing is all about working on you. You cannot work on your W. You cannot diagnose her and go get a pill that will make everything better. You cannot print out a list and follows steps A, B, C, etc. to get her back. Change YOU. Do 180's on YOUR faults. Give your W time and space. Work on yourself for months and months while leaving your W alone. Detach. GAL. Become independent. THEN your W may see and respect your changes and be drawn back to you. Just because we're telling you to quit focusing on your W and work on you does NOT mean we're not all about restoring marriages. Working on you is the path to restoring your marriage. Realistically, it doesn't always work. But the beauty in working on you, detaching and GALing is that even if the M isn't restored you will emerge a better person.