today, I just decided - that unlike my usual "self" - i'm just going to say a few positive things i've noticed - for better or worse - since I am always here ranting and raving and needing someone out there to "talk me down". today i'm trying to be positive and keep reinforcing it in my brain this morning- just re-read mlc portion of book - and then a few letters at the end. i'm trying a big new approach...
uh hem: (this is not to say i've got any notion i may "win" with this dbing - but who knows - ya gotta be in it to win it - rite?
i am less in a fog and more able to hold my pma -
I can laugh more and be my old self without (sometimes) feeling like my old self is who HE IS REJECTING - shove off that thought and just think - tough luck- this is who i am.
I actually find lately I enjoy painting, planning a project, and all the things i used to enjoyed alot- (pre-mlc) . it's little - but it's there and FEELING LIKE doing something for a change is great.
h is less critical on the whole - less ready & wanting to have a fight - less inspecting every word out of my mouth so he can find some fault with it - in general in life.
he's more pleasant to be around.
every now or then he actually manages to say a compliment instead of ONLY delivering the bad news. I sense he's trying to be more positive - i appreciate the "trying" part.
h continues to fly up here every few weeks. i usually cannot fathom why- but he does it...???... i usually dread it- but also feel like it's some kind of "support system" with my mom & life in general - whose crazy here - we don't know. i guess i'm seeing it as positive on his part
i just typed something not positive - and erased it. i'm working on stopping being such a misery guts and letting you all off the hook sometimes.
i'm feeling sometimes like i'm sick of hearing myself talk & stopping - i'm definitely TALKING AOBUT THIS crappola to my freinds less and less - letting them off hook too. i'm having some mercy i guess and seeing myself as a bit whiney- so i'm thinking regaining control of my ego and butching up a bit here?
it's not allllll about me in life - is it? i've got alot of those folks around me and i'm feeling like i need to stop even possibly being one of them. (we hate that - don't we)
it's all small stuff- but if i'm honest - i notice it and it's better than a year ago. i didn't pick up phone for five whole days- i didn't call and i didn't suffer - that's huge for me. I managed to stay uncommunicative til i was done being - whatever, insulted, angry, fill in the blank. (woo ho)
okay- i guess that's it- i hope it's just not laziness and getting used to this wierd life- i still don't think i want THIS forever - i feel less panic in the nite to make a decision RITE NOW- and squirming under my own pressure and expectations.
i think i'm a more patient person- i hope so- okay- i'm outta here.
i have a long long way to go with this i think, and i don't know how i'll make out in the end. today- i'm going tokeep a good thought and try and feel happ7y to see h -
it's 9 degrees - last nite it was 14 degrees and when we walked my left eyeball top eyelashes kept getting a snowball forming that made the street lites glare up my eye- and i had to crunch it off three times. first time ever - wierd & interesting huh?
xxoo thank you everyone for your continued support and listening to my *(usually) repetitive and negative rants- love ya all for caring & bothering.
(((( )))) (aren't i sickening when i'm not miserable & ranting?) sigh - - hard to get it rite isn't it?
