I agree with you, AnotherStander. I want her to stop seeing this other guy, and actually asked her to a month or so ago, and she flat out said she wouldn't. I'm hoping once we start counselling that's something we can address. Everything I read about open marriages and polyamory say it's not a good idea until you've worked on your own issues and have a stable marriage.
Married 15 years, D5 x 2 W had EA and PA 10/2010 MC for a year improved things Alternate lifestyle, started 01/2012 has turned into a mess
Wife made it back from her long weekend in Charleston. We had dinner (us and the girls), she put them to bed, then off to see her guy. I just smiled and told her to have a nice time. Can't wait until my dinner with guy on Wednesday evening after my ballroom dance lesson. I guess I need to decide how much I'm going to tell him. For example, she has not told him about her affair in 2010. I'm wondering whether it will come up in the conversation.
Married 15 years, D5 x 2 W had EA and PA 10/2010 MC for a year improved things Alternate lifestyle, started 01/2012 has turned into a mess
Well, things are going better in some regards. W has moved back into our bedroom. Still no sex, though. I'm not going to request anymore or initiate until I see some signs she is ready. At the same time, I have physical needs that aren't being met, so I'm hitting the dating sites pretty hard. It's difficult to find FWB's, though, because it seems like there are about 10 guys for every girl on those kinds of sites.
Tomorrow night I finally get to meet her guy. It's going to be enlightening. I have some questions of you veterans. Do I tell him about her affair in 2010? She has not told him about that? How about her bi-polar and depression issues? Again, she has not mentioned any of that. I imagine we'll spend a lot of time talking about ground rules and practical issues of hiding the relationship from most of our friends and family.
Married 15 years, D5 x 2 W had EA and PA 10/2010 MC for a year improved things Alternate lifestyle, started 01/2012 has turned into a mess
Another question I have is about the girls. As of now, I have been lying to the girls when W goes out to be with her guy, telling them things like "Mommy has to work tonight". The other night, one of the girls came into my room after a bad dream and saw that W wasn't in bed, and asked where she was, and I told her "She's in the bathroom". I'm not ready to reveal our alternative lifestyle to the girls. They're only five, and I don't want to confuse them, or scare them into thinking Mommy and Daddy might break up. I feel they need security and routine in their lives right now. Do you think I'm right in keeping this from them?
Married 15 years, D5 x 2 W had EA and PA 10/2010 MC for a year improved things Alternate lifestyle, started 01/2012 has turned into a mess
Well, things are going better in some regards. W has moved back into our bedroom. Still no sex, though. I'm not going to request anymore or initiate until I see some signs she is ready.
Yeah, just stick with DB'ing and try to maintain some distance.
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I have some questions of you veterans. Do I tell him about her affair in 2010? She has not told him about that? How about her bi-polar and depression issues? Again, she has not mentioned any of that. I imagine we'll spend a lot of time talking about ground rules and practical issues of hiding the relationship from most of our friends and family.
Why do you even want to meet him? I wouldn't want to. I wouldn't disclose anything about W to him, that's her business. It sounds like you're still looking at this like it's alternative lifestyle activities, but it sounds to me like it's turned into an old-fashioned affair.
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Another question I have is about the girls. As of now, I have been lying to the girls when W goes out to be with her guy, telling them things like "Mommy has to work tonight".
That's a pickle for sure. I don't like lying to kids, but clearly you can't tell them the truth either.
I do believe in alternate lifestyle activities, and I do believe that's where we belong. I just don't like the lack of intimacy and lack of that emotional bond we used to have between us. And of course I'm not a big fan of the enormous amount of NRE W and her guy are experiencing, but I'm trying to be understanding of the fact that usually dies down after some time.
I'm continuing the 180 and GIL activities. I believe this will help my relationship with her, as well as making me more appealing to potential dates.
Married 15 years, D5 x 2 W had EA and PA 10/2010 MC for a year improved things Alternate lifestyle, started 01/2012 has turned into a mess
If you're talking about your swinging lifestyle, you do understand that this is why you won't have true intimacy with her. Or at least long term. There will always be trust issues.
You're not the first person here who has done the swinging thing, expecting things intimacy, etc. As far as I know all of those couples divorced.
You understand that both women and men express intimacy differently. You're seeing as mostly physical which is not what a woman finds fulfilling in the end.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Well, to be fair, we have gotten away from swinging and into polyamory. I understand the traditional swinging was primarily couples engaging in recreational sex with others, and there usually was not a lot of emotional intimacy involved.
Polyamory, though, is not swinging. Polyamory is professing that you can love more than one person simultaneously, and practicing that lifestyle. There's are wonderful forums devoted to this kind of lifestyle.
The problem with our situation, is that right now there's not a lot of "poly" going on. Right now she is emotionally and physically distant from me, and I'm hoping that will change.
Married 15 years, D5 x 2 W had EA and PA 10/2010 MC for a year improved things Alternate lifestyle, started 01/2012 has turned into a mess
"Polyamory, though, is not swinging. Polyamory is professing that you can love more than one person simultaneously, and practicing that lifestyle."
Seriously? Same thing. You are introducing more than one person into your circle of intimacy.
"The problem with our situation, is that right now there's not a lot of "poly" going on. Right now she is emotionally and physically distant from me, and I'm hoping that will change."
It won't. ESPECIALLY in your sitch. Here's why. Things already get complicated when you have a WAS dealing with 1 affair person whom they love. It's hard to get them away from the "in love" feelings from that one person. You, however, are supporting a lifestyle where you can 'love' everyone. Once the 'in love' feelings are gone for one person (which they will fade no matter who you are) they will just move on to the next person they get those feelings with and so on and so on. For a relationship to become mature and nurturing, you learn that those 'in love' feelings come in waves and that in the times of drought you don't move on to someone else, you use your commitment and shared beliefs to keep you going until those feelings come back. Or you work at getting those feelings back.
By your lifestyle you just move on to whoever makes you feel good. It's the same reason why people who are in monogamous relationships have 2, 3 or more marriages. They think those 'in love' feelings will last forever. They don't or at least not consistently. ESPECIALLY during times of conflict or tragedy.
I have a feeling that you wouldn't feel so lost if you had someone else that gave you that 'in love' feeling. Then your W would mean nothing to you personally and you wouldn't care if she left or loved someone else. If you did (while you were with someone else) it would be just good old fashioned jealousy. Which, by the way, is a monogamous feeling.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
