I'm HOPING to get some response, maybe someone can knock sense into me.
Have you read DR? Read it. If you've read it then read it again. What you're doing is PURSUING. Burn this word into your mind. It is harmful behavior, it will never bring your husband back. It is what your heart tells you is right. It is what DR and these forums tells you is wrong. You need to listen to DR and these forums, not your heart.
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I know that I have not detached. It just doesn't seem possible - he's around too much, because of our daughter, and in general seems to like to want to keep me just at arms length.
So what you're saying is he is detached (keeps you at arm's length). Yet somehow you can't detach. Ask yourself if that makes sense. He's not around you any more than you're around him, yet he's detached and you aren't.
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He came over during the day, and I set myself up for hurt as usual hioping he would change his mind. But he left for one of his parties by 6:00. No text at midnight, nothing. Another great NYE for me.
Drop your expectations about what H will and will not do. He is not responsible for your happiness, YOU are. You should have made your own NYE plans. You don't need H to have fun.
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But I didn't lie about it and never had intentions on anything but friendship with the guy - made it clear I was working on marriage and just wanted friendship etc.
I think you're lying to yourself. People don't start relationships with the opposite sex with the intent of being good ol' buddies.
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That's the big thing - we can't be seen together by any of his friends.
Detach. Quit doing stuff with him. If you're an embarrassment to him then what do you gain by going? He's treating you like dirt and hiding his R with you, is that what you want?
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The next week I asked him about doing the same thing again,
Pursuit.
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So last week I ask if he wants to do something.
Pursuit.
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(I just still feel too much like I need to show him I can still be fun and a mom? Feel like we need some time together or its just going to all fall apart)
(Dr. Phil voice) How's that working out for you?
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but then he won't answer my calls and texts.
Pursuit.
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Maybe I need to go back and read the book over and start over.
Yes, you do!! This time put the principals to work!!
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I allow him to control way to much of my emotional state.
Right again!
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But like I said, I don't feel like I can just go dark, that it wouldn't be good for us to make any headway.
Don't go by what you feel, your feelings are wrong. That's why you need DR and these forums, to remind you to set your feelings aside and do what WORKS.
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Went to my new counsleor twice. She doesn't feel like she can't help me any further without talking with him. She wants me to ask him but I haven't had the nerve. It would be good for him though.
MC never works with a WAS. More often than not they just hear what they want to hear which is that the love is dead and they need to leave.
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Feel free to beat me with a stick or whatever and tell me to get back to the book.
See above, LOL!
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I did read Mort Fertel's book. It makes sense but totally goes against DB. So I got even more confused. Anyone?
Pick one approach or the other. You can't mix and match.
