I CAN'T figure out where your thread is - and i can't figure out if i said this yesterday to you either. it was a emotional cyclone of a day- this mom-sick, sisters making me nuts - demands of nurses, etc.
Anyway- please excuse my nutty note - if i sent it somewhere. Anyway-
you got me thinking totally about this deep childhood baggage stuff. i always thought he was a person in control of self and had his childhood traumas sorted thru a bit. that is who he told me he was - i believed him always. boy was i wrong.
i stil wonder about it all tho - quite alot- because i think of the things that happened in all of ourlives - tragedies, unfairnesses, and how we all grow up- butch up- and get on with it. how shabby to use it as a reason to hurt people who love you//????
THEN i admit maybe stuff he has had in his brain hs whole life can affect him. then i think how the heck does it HAVE TO translate into cheaTING. obviously i am still unable to get all the peices lined up properly.
i have been thinking it over tho- i can see the personal tragedies in his little life and how they'd strike a kid. i can understand that.
anyway- i always come back to personal responsibility for actions - and decency and being an adult - so forth. it always seems to come down to him making conscious decisions to do what he's doing - complete with decimating me (whether he wants to admit it or not) and lying to keep me around. i've asked over the years when things were icky- believe me- it's hard as hell to ask when you think you might hear something you do not want to.
for him to lie in the face of my courage to ask- to jack me around and keep me hanging in there- that is what i cannot fathom. it's rather shameless. i do not know why i get stuck on this bit - that he should have cut me out of his life the minute he realized he was going to be cheating in earnest - (i can understand flirtation) i cannot understand wanting to keep around someone you were blamig and criticizing and making their life hell - FOR WHAT. WHAT could he possibly have gained by it other than more expense & aggravation having to lie and hide it- and what has it done to me?
even tho i essentially think i'm a good enough person in life -
i hate to admit the breadth and depth of the effect it's had - just a crumbling and chipping away - at my, well, i don't know- my ego i guess, my heart, my ability to trust anyone - like a crumbling little sand castle - just bit by bit. it seems very ratty to do to someone you didn't even like- how do they do it to someone they loved. (that being said - same deal ith my mother. i get it she's mad to be old & all the problems tht go with it- but being mean and critical and saying rotten things to the one person that's bvothering to be around her- WHAT THE???)
I am beginning to wonder how i manage to send out the message to people that i'm not worthy of honesty or courtesy.
obviously i'm sending out something here - i do not want to change and be like my sister that says one has to "draw blood" for people to perk up and listen - i hate people like that. obviously everyone around me feels similar- it's a war zone here. what the heck is up with that and why do some people feel that because they had this or that hardship or setback- someone else should PAY and be TO BLAME.
how can they think they are the only ones to ever feel pain? i mean really - grow up - use your brain - everyone of us is the same and needs the same things. well, so i think...
i wanna be understanding and liberal - but why do they get to shirk responsibility for their actions
just ranting around - so sorry , but it bugs me- i go round and round chasing my tail. i'm sure you've noticed - my particular insanity - overthinking.
