I am sorry for your bad day and bad thoughts. I wonder all the same things- it's been 1.5 yr since i found out for sure of my h cheating- two ow - both from his "olden days" - (and God only knows who else & how long) (cripes ...couldja die?)
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Because I was blinded for so long? Because I thought his growing distance in early 2012 was to do with me and not his guilt? Because now I'm wondering if he has been cheating on me our entire marriage and he is a serial cheater, not in MLC?
me too - i worry i'm trying this db stuff with mlc in mind - and perhaps have in fact a serial cheater too. i wonder if he's been a liar and cheater for the entire 35 years we've been together. it's a hard job trying to wipe away that many years of happy memories from my heart so i can just chuck him and run away from it all.
. i plod on- i feel like you do- how could i have been so blind for so long- i'd say for SURE he's been cheating with actual physical visits to these ow for four years. (began when my sister died - what a swell guy- i'm grieving and he goes off to get laid) nice huh? it still hurts to think of- they both live in other towns - i cannot even imagine what it is he needs so badly to be who he's become. seems mighty pitiful to me that he NEEDS this e-mail & cell phone sex talk type stuff- so highschool. (but what the heck do i know i guess???) he used to be so decent and such a "rock" (i thought anyway - really tho, who does know but him?)
some days i despair that the old loving guy is in there. perhaps he's dead? don't know- i still hang in here for God knows why- awaiting "wisdom" and "the way" to clobber me on the head. i can't get past wondering why in the world a person like that (if that's who he really is) would glom onto a person like me and lie to keep me around. i feel duped and like maybe i've wasted my life. if i hadn't been with him- i'd think it would have been entirely different story now...
i'm jsut writing to say i know your pain and it is the most awful thing, but with any luck we'll live thru it and prevail. - i have come to pretty much accept the db philosophy of knowing this is not MY FAULT - as he would have me believe. messy house, dopey little things he used to trot out to criticize. i regret the years of trying to fix myself and put good spin on his critical new personna. somehow i should have even suspected - instead of being totally sucker punched.
somehow since finding out and confronting him- he's been waaaay nicer to be around. it's not the same and not fun anymore - it always hurts a bit (less now - but still there) i always feel the disconnect and i always know he's telling ow he's in love with her. he certainly throws around the trash in his e-mails *(i regret ever reading one) why he doesn't just jump ship go have her and be done with it" i do not know.
At the end of the day, and after years of wondering, trying- finding out whats REALLY going on- feeling so stupid i can't stand it- getting more detached and realistic- i'm still here - still feeling like you- and still standing.
i don't know what the heck to say other than sorry you're here and i can hear your pain and i can feel it too. my h comes back today (he's been in fl house for 3 wks) it's hard when he's gone- i get accustomed to living by my self- then he comes back and i'm up at 4 am and kind of dread it this morning. he won't be awful - he'll act like nothing new going on (maybe his whole life has been like this- ) but not mine. i don't know what we do about the fact that once the trust is shatteredd= I don't know how i would ever trust him again - really. with the love and certainty i had.
maybe i was delusional and that sort of unqualified love requires delusion and isn't real (ever - for anyone). i don't like thinking it- i do believe in true love- but i've sure been wrong about this life i've had. ???. now what to believe - i'm too old for this sort of questioning
i suppose i still view him as some kind of security blanket in life or else why would i be here. i do not feel mad crazy love like i used to- i worry he's killed it - i have no idea why i'm here-
i feel less in a fog and wounded than i did back then- i'm not "all better" - i hope you reach a point of feeling one bit better - it's a slow long row to hoe -
I hope also you have a better day- i don't know if knowing others are enduring the same stupid junk at the hands of their "loved ones" helps you at all. somehow knowing i'm not the only one alive that's been BLIND and fooled for a long long time helps me.
we're here - i'd not have made it this far i think if i didn't find this forum. only problem is? will it solve anything or produce any good result? i'm dying from holding my tongue- acting like i'm okay (when i haven't been in so long i can't even count how long) and so on. i sure hope this makes me a better person somehow- and doesn't make me must plain ole nuts about it all... my h isn't depressed tho he's got tons of real family betrayal junk from his childhood. i try and be understanding- then i think, wwe all have bad stuff happen - we all are adults and have to make decisions - it's in our hands to be decent and not hurt others. .. blah blah blah. one minute i try and "understand" next minute i want to shout grow up like the rest of us- bad stuff happens, parents were human and flawed - man up here buddy...
