Bring It On 2013

[BeingMe]

Commence Venting:

I find it funny that my H found a non-traveling job in a city near home, when he was faced with a project on a remote island in the Arctic Circle. But, when I was going through my cancer therapy, it seemed home was the last place he wanted to be. He was traveling even more than usual. No attempt to find a job closer to home. He'd be away for 4-6 weeks at a time, all over the world, in remote places. I guess, to get away from emotionally supporting me. I had to rely on my children for that, and they came through with flying colors.

I need to think on these things, and not back down from my intended road ahead ... getting a divorce, graduating from university, and finding a place where I fit in and can make single friends.

I was looking at him covertly yesterday, and wondering if he's someone I would be interested in if I had just seen him for the first time (I've seen his profile on one of those dating sites ... his description of himself is so opposite, that it's hilarious, for example, he usually hates dancing, but on his profile he says he loves clubs/dancing). Just going on looks, I don't think I would be remotely interested ... he's bald (not a bad thing per se, but he deliberately shaves his head, and he's got a goatee, which I loath, and more loathsome ... he dyes it), he's got a paunch (even though he's pretty fit), he dresses funny (I've never liked the way he dressed, so I used to buy his clothes when we were younger, but now he wears stupid golf shirts all the time, and he doesn't play golf, and he refuses to wear jeans that fit him ... he thinks he's still a 34" waist), he's changed his deoderant in the last few years, and doesn't smell like the man I fell in love with. In short, he's not him anymore. And before me, I see a stranger, that just sounds like my H and happens to be the father of my children. ML would be impossible for me ... he's such a turn-off. I'm sure he gets that vibe from me now, and I don't care. I used to miss him terribly when he was away, and worry about him when in foreign countries, but I barely think about him now in his absence. Got better things to keep me occupied.

While he was on his lengthy travels, the kids and I would go to a pub nearby. It's a quaint British pub where one can play cards and chat. We would have dinner and drinks, and catch up with the week's goings on. Friends would sometimes join us, knowing that we would be there at a certain time. It has become a tradition in the last 3 years. Now, he's home every weekend and thinks this is his tradition too. It irks me, but I allow it for the sake of our children. I have no idea how to tell him, I don't want him there. If he ever brings another woman to this place to share my and my children's tradition, I would have to find another place, or tell him he's no longer welcome if he brings OW. But I think he's wise enough that he won't. I have told him, I don't want to meet any girlfriends. I don't care if we're divorced. I won't introduce him to any boyfriend I may have. Doing so would show up our failure to work on our marriage and keep our family together.

Vent concluded.