Rinse, repeat, replay

[reachingHigher]

Hi Hopper!

These are such difficult times, I know! I'm sorry you have to have knowledge of so many details about OW's. It's just gotta hurt so bad!

I tried my best to find out what I could in my sitch but my H is a techy wizard and there was no finding out. I used to lie awake at night and plan escapades of following H or showing up incognito at a night club....but looking back I'm so glad I didn't waste my time

You are due in three months? Are you feeling okay? This stress has just not gotta be good for you

Thinking of you,
rH

[TSquared2]

Hi Hopper,

It is a blow, isn't it? I'm sorry. I get how you feel. Know this:

They don't mean a thing.

Your H, though he may not fully realize it, is using them.

They are using him.

This MLC discontent starts brewing long before BD, hence the OW before BD...my W had first OM before the real BD when crisis replay hit full on, sometimes that's the way it rolls.

You have more important things to worry about than him. Do as you have been, be the best you, BUT, put yourself and the kids first. You have a baby coming, H has to be a distant concern right now. His choice, his problem...NOT yours.

Hang in there!!!!

T^2

[BeingMe]

Gawd, Hopper! I'm sorry you know these details. I found out about OW#1 by reading three months of emails between them. Then H set up a secret IM account for them. I still found out her telephone nr. and called her. This was 7 years ago. H wanted back in, but couldn't deliver. Now, I think he's cheated again, many times and longer then even I suspect, just because of his distant behavior. It's just a feeling, and I won't follow up on it. Not worth the trouble.

You're expecting? Darn, that must so weird, wanting the baby, but sad about her/his father. You sound like a strong, brave woman, and you'll get through this. I do understand about wondering if he's cheated throughout your M. I've thought the same, and I'm divorcing my H because I know I can never trust him ever again. If he had made an honest attempt at R, it might be different.

Take care.

[nero]

Hopper -

I am sorry for your bad day and bad thoughts. I wonder all the same things- it's been 1.5 yr since i found out for sure of my h cheating- two ow - both from his "olden days" - (and God only knows who else & how long) (cripes ...couldja die?)

Because I was blinded for so long? Because I thought his growing distance in early 2012 was to do with me and not his guilt? Because now I'm wondering if he has been cheating on me our entire marriage and he is a serial cheater, not in MLC?

me too - i worry i'm trying this db stuff with mlc in mind - and perhaps have in fact a serial cheater too. i wonder if he's been a liar and cheater for the entire 35 years we've been together. it's a hard job trying to wipe away that many years of happy memories from my heart so i can just chuck him and run away from it all.

. i plod on- i feel like you do- how could i have been so blind for so long- i'd say for SURE he's been cheating with actual physical visits to these ow for four years. (began when my sister died - what a swell guy- i'm grieving and he goes off to get laid) nice huh? it still hurts to think of- they both live in other towns - i cannot even imagine what it is he needs so badly to be who he's become. seems mighty pitiful to me that he NEEDS this e-mail & cell phone sex talk type stuff- so highschool. (but what the heck do i know i guess???) he used to be so decent and such a "rock" (i thought anyway - really tho, who does know but him?)

some days i despair that the old loving guy is in there. perhaps he's dead? don't know- i still hang in here for God knows why- awaiting "wisdom" and "the way" to clobber me on the head. i can't get past wondering why in the world a person like that (if that's who he really is) would glom onto a person like me and lie to keep me around. i feel duped and like maybe i've wasted my life. if i hadn't been with him- i'd think it would have been entirely different story now...

i'm jsut writing to say i know your pain and it is the most awful thing, but with any luck we'll live thru it and prevail. - i have come to pretty much accept the db philosophy of knowing this is not MY FAULT - as he would have me believe. messy house, dopey little things he used to trot out to criticize. i regret the years of trying to fix myself and put good spin on his critical new personna. somehow i should have even suspected - instead of being totally sucker punched.

somehow since finding out and confronting him- he's been waaaay nicer to be around. it's not the same and not fun anymore - it always hurts a bit (less now - but still there) i always feel the disconnect and i always know he's telling ow he's in love with her. he certainly throws around the trash in his e-mails *(i regret ever reading one) why he doesn't just jump ship go have her and be done with it" i do not know.

At the end of the day, and after years of wondering, trying- finding out whats REALLY going on- feeling so stupid i can't stand it- getting more detached and realistic- i'm still here - still feeling like you- and still standing.

i don't know what the heck to say other than sorry you're here and i can hear your pain and i can feel it too. my h comes back today (he's been in fl house for 3 wks) it's hard when he's gone- i get accustomed to living by my self- then he comes back and i'm up at 4 am and kind of dread it this morning. he won't be awful - he'll act like nothing new going on (maybe his whole life has been like this- ) but not mine. i don't know what we do about the fact that once the trust is shatteredd= I don't know how i would ever trust him again - really. with the love and certainty i had.

maybe i was delusional and that sort of unqualified love requires delusion and isn't real (ever - for anyone). i don't like thinking it- i do believe in true love- but i've sure been wrong about this life i've had. ???. now what to believe - i'm too old for this sort of questioning

i suppose i still view him as some kind of security blanket in life or else why would i be here. i do not feel mad crazy love like i used to- i worry he's killed it - i have no idea why i'm here-

i feel less in a fog and wounded than i did back then- i'm not "all better" - i hope you reach a point of feeling one bit better - it's a slow long row to hoe -

I hope also you have a better day- i don't know if knowing others are enduring the same stupid junk at the hands of their "loved ones" helps you at all. somehow knowing i'm not the only one alive that's been BLIND and fooled for a long long time helps me.

we're here - i'd not have made it this far i think if i didn't find this forum. only problem is? will it solve anything or produce any good result? i'm dying from holding my tongue- acting like i'm okay (when i haven't been in so long i can't even count how long) and so on. i sure hope this makes me a better person somehow- and doesn't make me must plain ole nuts about it all... my h isn't depressed tho he's got tons of real family betrayal junk from his childhood. i try and be understanding- then i think, wwe all have bad stuff happen - we all are adults and have to make decisions - it's in our hands to be decent and not hurt others. .. blah blah blah. one minute i try and "understand" next minute i want to shout grow up like the rest of us- bad stuff happens, parents were human and flawed - man up here buddy...

we can only hope huh? onward & upward - ((( )))

[job]

Hopper,
Yes, when we sit quietly, the answers do reveal themselves and unfortunately, the information isn't always what we want to hear. I'm very sorry to read that you've discovered so much about his activities. One thing I will recommended...get yourself checked out for STDS, etc. If he's been out there doing his thing w/them, you need to be checked out for yourself and your baby.

Again, I am so sorry that you have been hit w/all of this information right now. Please take care of yourself and your little one.

[Raine]

Thanks for all of your words of encouragement. In so many ways I don't want to know, but in other ways I know I'm protecting myself better by knowing.

I'm doing pretty good, I think. Been trying to get to bed early and get plenty of rest. I'm still tired most of the time. I did get an STD test, even though H said I didn't need to. Baby is doing fine and Dr has let me know that he is not being affected by this, but the other kids would be by "mom being sad." I seem to be able to keep things pretty together, especially around the kids. That was not the case in August, but I've recovered a lot since then. I have such a "suck it up and get it done" personality, and that's working well for me right now. My mind spins incessantly, but I'm not sitting around. A lot of time my mind is spinning on future plans and where I want to be in a years time, irregardless of H.

The kids seem to be doing really well, despite dad being a loser. He came over to be with them a few nights ago for 2.5 hours while I went for a massage and he didn't do anything with them. He just watched tv the whole time and they were hanging out in their room when I got home. He rarely sees them and then when he does, he's still so self absorbed. I guess it's signs like that that helps me realize I'm looking at it the right way. There is more going on than just cheating.

I still hate that tightrope feeling of not knowing how much I should respond to him and how much I should ignore him. He seems to be pretty happy around me, always wanting to tell me something new. I hate that he has such an avoidance personality and has buried all of his problems for so long. Makes me feel like this will go on for a long time because he is not going to deal with any of his demons. He will just keep ignoring them. It's been two months since I've had any kind of break down in front of him, so I am happy for that.

[job]

I'm glad you are doing okay and you got tested for STDs. It's difficult for anyone going through this, but more so when you are pregnant.

I'm not surprised he came over and watched TV the entire time. He's emotionally depleted right now and can't deal w/any kind of interaction w/the children. That will change later on.

If you aren't sure how to respond to him, follow his lead. Keep your conversations very short and sweet. They've can't handle length conversations, emails or texts. Their brains are in emotional overload and it the communication isn't short and sweet, it will go right over their heads.

Please take care of yourself. It's a long journey, but you've managed to get educate yourself early on, so that will help.

[Raine]

Okay I think I can handle that. I'll respond back to his game requests and just keep up the normal, not contacting him, just responding at some point when he does with me "friendship."

What you're saying makes a lot of sense with the they can't handle the lengthy conversation. He will call me up or talk to me before he leaves after being with the boys, and it's about a 10 minute conversation each time, before he will abruptly say, "Well I need to go." He wants to tell me about this, that, and whatever. Sometimes it's like a report of what he bought, where he went, who he hung out with. I'm always positive towards him about things: "Those are nice, that sounds fun." I rarely even ask clarifying questions. He rarely asks anything about me, and when he does he acts like he shouldn't have. I don't ever tell him anything, I just listen to him. I'm just my happy self and it's surprising to think how much I treat him like a friend, who doesn't care what he is buying or doing, just happy if he likes it. That has been one thing that is good, is he has been very good with spending, but always has been.

He has texted me in F-bomb rage at other people, and I'm pretty calm about it and respond with things like, "That is really out of line. What are you going to do about it?" It has been a very long time since he went Monster on me, at least two months.

[Raine]

So top of the roller coaster again. H came over to bring S5 his backpack, sat down and started talking to me for 30 mins. He kept going to leave, and then wanted to tell me something else. He was so much like his old self, cracking jokes. He had tried to send me some pictures today, which I didn't notice until right before he came over, so I apologized I hadn't seen them. He said, "oh I just thought you weren't talking to me, and that's okay." He seemed really happy that wasn't the case. He also teased me about messing up on "our song" in a game. He said, "I know we have our issues, but I can't believe you missed that." It was pretty cute how he was going on about it. Oh my heck it's so hard to be around the real him. I miss that guy like crazy.

He also told me he was going to go and hang out with my brother, something he has not done since Sept, and my brother was his best friend. My brother had already sent me a text earlier, asking if it was okay. My H had contacted him. I told him of course. I'm glad he is reconnecting with him again.

[GatorGirl]

Hopper,
I'm so sorry. I want to give you a huge hug. I'm sorry you have discovered all of this. I don't think you're blind and you have every reason to be hurt. You trusted your H with all your heart and soul and he betrayed you.

I certainly am not the one to give advice on this but know that you're holding it together in an amazing fashion. I know it's not easy.

As always, you're in my prayers.

Peace,
GG