I found the SSM book this summer, gave it to my wife. No responses. We have had a very frustrating marriage so far, sexually speaking. Everything else is great…she is great. I've been following this message board for awhile now, and recently had a significant turn of events; I'd like to share as a hope item
Well, a very enlightening evening last night. A little Background: My wife asked if we could start foster parenting on 12/21/03. I replied in a 6 page typed letter explaining that our marriage was not a wonderful as she thought and I was very upset/frustrated...and everything else like many of us on the website are. (Much of the content of the letter was gleaned from this website, The Marriage Bed website, and the SSM book).
She really was upset when she first read the letter and last night we sat and discussed in detail what's going on. She shared with me things I never knew: She had experienced sexual abuse as a child from a couple of different male relatives. Further her first sexual experiences and with 1st husband were all not very pleasant. Therefore any request or suggestion, or change to our sex life was always taken in the most negative possible way by her.
Adding to this, although she of 'royal' background, and was on the Celebrity circuit in New York City for years dating famous people, is 36yo, on her 2nd (final) marriage with 2 kids from the first marriage; she says she's had extremely little sexual experience. My enthusiasm and knowledge, intimidates her. When I say, "I read about something sexual" or read her something from marriage website; it's telling her that she is inadequate.
She said that she read my letter many times over to help understand what I was saying and now understands that she has been seriously disrespecting me and our marriage. She asked if I'd show her how to love me and enjoy our marriage bed. She said that she wants us to start a regular bedtime ritual by 9:30pm every night so that we will be in bed and not too exhausted to connect, make love, to hold each other and talk. She is half way through the SSM book; I checked and has apologized to not making it a priority to read it in August when I gave it to her.
I told her that I'd only agree if she as an enthusiastic student, because attitude is 99.99% of the result and teaching is only enjoyable when both the teacher and student both want to be there...she happily agreed.
She spent most of the evening crying and thanking me for the letter. Saying it jarred her in to thinking why she was so weird about sex. And how important it is for her to share with our daughters (in appropriate timing) her experiences and why I (as Daddy) am so strict in being a Safe Male and why I (Daddy) have such protection about them. It is for theirs and future husband's good when they are married.
Will continue to keep all informed as we make progress. I actually excited again.
EVERYONE, CARPE DIEM!!! Don't wait another moment, God doesn't promise tomorrow, only today.
Hey Hillock, any chance you could email me a copy of that letter (with names changed to protect the innocent)? I'm very curious about what made her re-read it. My wife tends to glance at something, realize that it is sex-related, and go into her stock replies: "I'm working on it" "You're pushing me" etc. I sometimes write and re-write an email or note a dozen or more times before I give it to her, and I hate to see it dismissed as yet another sex note.
I have yet to give her the SSM book. I just keep chickening out.
About the not giving the book. I wrapped it as a present with a nice card and gave it to you as she was fly out to visit her sister in another state. Similarly I'd give it anytime as you are departing each other for a time being.
If that is not an opportunity, then give it when parting for work. And expect reactions when you return home.
Your rock! I am so happy for you! I thank you for posting this little ray of sunshine in this forum, it gives me hope(and I think I am not alone here HDer!) that things can actually get better.
Be very supportive and do a lot of "positive reinforcement" when she does something in the sexual arena, lots of affirmations, lots of love, and one thing though "no teasing" yet. It can embarrass her and that is NOT what you want, at least until you guys are out of the woods sor of speak.
WILL NOT WORK ON MY H. HE HATES TO READ. BESIDES IT IS ALL MY FAULT BECAUSE I DON'T CLEAN UP OR WHATEVER MY MEGA FAULT IS TODAY. HE IS NOT LD I AM NOT WORTHY IS HIS MOTTO.
