House for sale. So Sad. Family Breaking Up (pt 2)

[JuneReN]

H makes it clear every single time that I need to date, I need to find someone etc. etc. I say it is a temp. check. Every single time I remind him that I have a short list; It contains him and Matthew Mc Connaughy. And since Matthew has begun blocking my calls, it is down to him. I have expressed that I am not looking, but neither am I discounting the fact that one day I may be blindsided. It is H's hope, I think, that I could start seeing someone and he wouldn't feel as guilty about his R. He does not understand, I think, that I love him and want to be in an R with him. So he tries to push me away all the time.

I am not saying that W will want to renew R or not pursue D, as you continue your GAL and 180s,but she will trust that you are remaining steady in your actions, thoughts and deeds. Then she can begin to trust you. She still doesn't Floyd...hang in there.

[FloydMan]

She definitely demonizes me and rewrites history. Scary at times the lies she tells herself. Yep, I read the justification piece clearly.
I thought I had given my best, but maybe not. One thing that I have held onto for over a year is that point you make is that it is a sickness and no, I can't abandon someone who is not well. That is what kept me going on. It is a terrible example we are showing our children.

[FloydMan]

Thanks Ruby. Ya, the trust thing is so weird and one thing I struggled with....her not trusting me but the demands that I trust her.

[FloydMan]

I took d14 to school very early this morning. When I came back, W was cuddled in my bed (our old bed) with d10. It had been so long since I have seen her there. It is a big king sleigh bed of cherry wood...high quality....we have such a nice room and furniture. Much better than the crap she has subjected herself to the past 8 months in the front guest room. I liked seeing her there and got a little emotional but said nothing. I could tell W was cosy. I joined on the other side of d10. Nothing was said. Until about 5 minutes later when we needed to get d10 ready for school. Nothing said to each other just to d10. W was probably very uncomfortable that I joined but it is my room now and bed as per her demand but it was nice seeing her cuddled up in it on such a cold day in our room, in our bed. I've missed that view. Doubt it stirred any memories for her.

[Breakdown]

Doubt it stirred any memories for her.

Mindreading. Just enjoy those moments when they come and stop worrying about what she thinks/feels.

[FloydMan]

Hey RLA (or anyone else too), What is it that makes you think she is not 100% done from your post earlier? She sure talks a good game.

[mamabird]

She's still doing your laundry for one thing.

She could get an apt... there are tons of way she could be done. She could be off with an OM. Yes she treats you like crap but as Breakdown says, it's justification.

One thing my IC said about H, "he's not really done, but he doesn't know what else to do. He's acting out of hurt." I do think that H was done at times, but being "done" and really moving forward with the actions of getting a D are two different things.

I think this is what your W is doing. She's being nasty. She's not being all zen and calm and cool and done. Trick for you now is for you to be all zen and calm and cool and happy, regardless of what she is doing. Does that make sense?

[FloydMan]

Makes great sense…. thanks! It is so hard to be calm, cool and collected as you know but patience is a virtue, right? She acts all zen and and calm and done to friends and family. Makes it clear to them she is at 'peace' with it. Then again she tells them how organized she is and she is not.
She has initiated legal action in Oct, house is for sale end of Nov. Not much action on those fronts since. Mortgage is up Feb 1, and she is not responding to getting it renewed. Regardless if it is sold, we have to renew it before Feb 1 or we are in default and will not look good to creditors...the mortgage is with the bank she is a manager at! Her fiscal responsibilities have been neglected for some time. So bizarre. This is her expertise in this area. Her credit is being affected…mine could be if I am not careful.

[mamabird]

Definitely keep an eye on what she is doing with the finances. My H made the brilliant move of separating our finances right at the beginning, so now he's driving his own ship into the ground and I have nothing to do with it ;-). Now that we're back to working as a team, I will at the very least gently remind him about his unpaid parking tickets instead of ignoring them... boy it's hard to go from detached to back in the game.

My H was acting zen and calm and done around our friends at the kids' school. That was hard to watch. But it was the conversations that we had that let me know there was still a little hope, and I even wrote about it here. I think it was you who told me to read between the lines, that HE was not done. So, you're not talking to W right now, but is there any hope? She cuddled D10 in YOUR bed... why not in HER bed??? She's dragging her feet on everything... if she's so anxious to D you, why isn't she working harder to get rid of you? I'm just saying... she doesn't want the D wholeheartedly.

Look, the last thing I ever expected to happen was what happened to me: my H all of a sudden and seemingly out of the blue decided it was worth one more college try. This went directly against everything he had been saying for 7 months, things which included "there is no way we won't get a D," "You're not worth working on it," "There is no chance of R," "Our marriage is over," etc. And look what happened. When push came to shove, he changed his mind.

Just keep looking for the small signs and do as you told me: read between the lines!! A heartfelt apology to her might go a long way. I forget if you already did that or not.

[FloydMan]

Thanks RLA,
Yep it was me that told you that. I was so certain your H was not done. Hard to grasp when it's in our own yard eh? So strange.
I have apologized, over and over and over in therapy, out of therapy and even wrote her a letter in May which she rejected. Swallowed a lot of pride in dealing with my shortcomings in M.
Part of me says that deep inside she does not ultimately want this but feels it is only route or option. Part of me says she is buying time to get herself organized financially, legally and indepently. I definitely do the lions share of the domestic duties and contribute more financially so part of me feels used too. She says so many contradictory things....or did....that's right we are not talking. I don't like not talking but tension is still too much that both of us still are on eggshells. Neither of us trust each other right now. She definitely has anger and resentment. Still could be OM and she is cake-eating until her timing is right. So bizarre. Still 180ing. Probably comes off as anger, I am not certain but I am not in her face, not clingy, do not pay her any attention....at least overtly.