W will do what she wants. Time for ME and D3 !!

[Crimson]

SM -

I never had an OM in my situation - so I really don't have much to offer in that regard and will leave that to the pros that had to deal with it in their own lives.

I DO, however, know a LOT about resisting the help and advice of others here. You say repeatedly that you get it, and you appreciate the input - but I (and others) have yet to see you act on it. I think you are slowly getting the point not to focus on your wife and all that she is or is not doing (though many a 2x4 was splintered in this process). But you still seem like you are intent on educating a lot of the vets here than have seen people like you and me come and go...succeed and fail.

People like you and me (yes, I think there are some similarities) do not do well blindly accepting a reality we do not see, or blindly accepting advice that goes against the very fiber of our being. I'll post a bulletin here:

****YOU HAVE TO DO THAT ON THESE BOARDS AND WITH THESE BOOKS TO SUCCEED!****

And "succeed", I learned, does not always mean that you get your wife back. Yes, the banner says "Save Your Marriage" - but the hidden text is "save yourself first". I expressed the same frustration that you are with the very same label.

Trust, let go and listen....don't teach.

Just trying to help.

Crimson

[SM34]

Leo, i appreciate it, and I know you are trying to help. I need to work on myself right now. I need to change.

So the last few days I have been thinking hard about what kind of husband i want to be. My idea of a good husband probably is influenced by my W's opinions over the years but i need to do it for me.

One of the things I took a lot of pride in 7 years ago when things were going well, was our house. We bought this house, our first house, together.

Now there are repairs that need to be done. Some of them I can handle myself. This was one of my original 180s in my old thread. On BD wife said it drives her crazy that i don't repair things around the house, and don't finish projects I start.

My W went to school for interior design and did work briefly at a design firm. So, her thing has always been that how can people come around to our house and see these things, when she is a designer.

Our house had a beautiful back yard when we bought it. It has a great deck, with a nice koi pond with a fountain. Once upon I time, i kept up with it and it looked great!

After baby was born, and business took a lot of my time, i neglected it. Now it looks like CRAAAAAP. And I know the fact that I don't take care of things that need to be done is a SERIOUSLY annoying thing for her....and for me! I want to get things done, for myself!

About a year ago when D3 started to be more mobile, and want to play at the park, we talked about cancelling out the koi pond and filling it in with dirt. Also, re-staining the deck and fixing up the plants etc.. putting up a swing for D3.

We cannot let her out there right now because the koi pond is exposed, and its deep. So its like we don't have a backyard at all. I would love to start working on this.

Also part of my 180s is that my W complained that she would ask me to do something around the house, like take out the trash, or mowing the yard. I would say ok i will do it tomorrow and then not do it.

I have learned from GH31 and from a book I am reading about having a good marriage, that it is important to keep your word NO MATTER WHAT. If you say you will do something you must follow through.

So i have done this a few times already with W and I take every opportunity to do this. I have even been taking out the trash as soon as I notice it is full, without waiting for her to say something. I know it sounds small, but every little thing counts right?

So summary of 180s:

1) Make sure if W asks me to do something, I do it. Not right away if that is ridiculous, but then make an agreement together of when it makes sense for me to do it, THEN FOLLOW THROUGH WITH MY PROMISE.

2) Get things done around the house. Finish half done projects. Take more pride in the marital home, like I used to.

3) I am a procrastinator. That needs to stop. i guess this is inline with number 2 above, but also I need to stop this in all aspects of my life. The W hates this because she gets things done. I also hate this, because I don't get things done!

i'm going to dig up the suggestions that Advina wrote to me in my last thread and maybe repost here as a recap.

Advina if you are reading this, where did you go??

By the way I am sitting here on my laptop searching for GAL activities in my area =)

[SM34]

Crimson good to hear from you on my thread. I just read your post on your thread about your weekend. That is awesome, glad you guys are moving in a good direction!

Ok I just posted some of my 180s. i have started the ones that I can start like taking out the trash etc.. And trying to go around the house and finish things that need finishing.

But i need tackle something larger soon, like the backyard. At least little by little.

[Crimson]

SM,

You are getting off on a good foot. But please keep in mind that what you are doing is not a silver bullet....just part of a larger change.

Personal example. My XW and I got into frequent skirmishes over the loft upstairs. She wanted to turn in into a play area for S and I wanted to turn it into a small home theater. DESPITE the fact that we have a big arse flat screen hanging on the wall in the TV room downstairs and Bose surround sound that was nearly deafening. I was being selfish....just didn't see it. After XW started sleeping in another room, I bought and put together a train table for S in that room to try to show her I was willing to change...to listen. She still moved out. We still got divorced. It has taken a SH*T load of consistency from me in this process and REAL change. Individual acts are not going to cut it. You may know that, I'm just saying it again.

Regarding my 180's, I will share with you something very personal I did with mine. One weekend when I did not have my son, I sat in a coffee shop for HOURS and I wrote down EVERY complaint that she had against me when she dropped the bomb...all of them. And I used the format below for all of them...and yes, it hurt like a MFer to admit to these faults after fighting them so hard -

Articulated issue: "You are disconnected from this family!"

Evidence: Time on iPad, BlackBerry, Laptop, TV

180: Read more, leave BlackBerry at home sometimes, no laptop or other tech when S is at home, eat dinner at table with S, go walking (or hiking, or to parks or other events) with S.


Doing this ^^^^ really helped me create a roadmap for change while looking at things through my XW's perspective. It was a TOTAL two-for-one exercise and really helped me on my way to change.

SM, PLEASE do this. For all of the complaints she had. Dig deep and face demons and things you don't like about yourself. And then, go back and revisit it frequently. Let it be your playbook....it helped for me.

Crimson

P.S. - thanks for the well-wishes for me and XW....long way to go, but it is a positive development.

[Crimson]

Side note: I have NO idea why I taken such an interest in your situation - probably because I see some minor similarities in us. But I'll be honest - you come off as a pompous jackass in print....I trust that you are better in person. Still, for some reason I really want to see you succeed and do well....keep your family together and eventually come back here and help others. You just have to let go and get out of your way.

Crimson

[25yearsmlc]

Nice posts Crimson.

Sm, listen to him if not the rest of us.

You must have NO IDEA how annoying it is to have you -

Remind US of what WE do here...

we advise you that you may not get your wife back for 2 reasons.

1) to prepare you for that possibility; and

2) paradoxically, to get her back...without it being the goal.

When you "get this" paradox, you might get somewhere.

But leave the lecturing for your employees IF and when you really think it'll be effective and worthwhile. IT's not appropriate here.

[SM34]

Crimson, ha ha. No really though I am not pompous. I'm ready for the tesk. i need to change a lot of things for myself! I am just not as energetic, and more importantly not as productive as I used to be. Work and my ailing business is consuming me, and now my family falling apart is the nail in the coffin if I don't act fast.

i see how it is all related. If I had more energy and maybe worked out, I would have more energy to work on things around the house, our house would look nice, W would be happy and proud of the house, I would have more energy to do things when they need to be done like taking out the trash (just one example but you know there are others). Productivity would increase even in my business and so most likely profits would be up, and then morale, self esteem, confidence (I know those are not just from business but for me no doubt success increases these things). More money, or enough money, means more vacationing and more fun with D (and maybe W in the future?).

Thank you for taking interest in my sitch. I have several people who have taken more interest in my sitch than in other people. When I click on certain people and look at their posts, it seems they are posting to me more than anyone else.

Not sure if thats always a good thing =) As you said it is a lot of 2x4's.

But, I like to think also that a lot of people think I can succeed in my mission. My marriage, although I see now that it was less than perfect or I wouldn't be sitting here, still did not have anywhere near the disfunction of some of the people i see on this forum.

Some have multiple affairs, from both partners, alcoholism, already with a blended family of kids meaning each partner had a previous marriage, and an mlc all bundled into one.

I hope my case is easier to overcome. Nothing is for sure as you all say, but perhaps I can be lucky and keep my family together.

It is 11:30pm and D3 just climbed out of bed and is running around the house babbling incoherently. She may be still sleeping =).. My wife is "out" so I need to go take care of this. God I love that child! I will probably watch and episode of Dora the Explorer with her so she can fall asleep again.

Good night folks!

[MrBond]

IMHO I don't think you're pompous. I think you're INCREDIBLY NAIVE and you're trying to think of a quick strategy to get your W back (studying attraction, etc.) when you haven't done any of the hard work to fix yourself. Period.

I would suggest you stop saying things like trying to "remind" us that this is a save your M site. We all know that and are trying to help us. DO NOT belittle our efforts.

Do the work rather than talking about it.

" My marriage, although I see now that it was less than perfect or I wouldn't be sitting here, still did not have anywhere near the disfunction of some of the people i see on this forum."

That's in YOUR eyes. I'm sure your W sees things very differently.

[SM34]

25 yes I get the paradox now. I kind of got the point when Crimson posted a response.

It is not until you fix your faults, and grow as a person, and really get to where you can move on with your life without your spouse, that they may want to reconcile.

So lets get fixing!

OK So I listed my 180s a few posts ago, Do they sound good? i have started to work on those.

I'm still looking for a good GAL activity but in the meantime I have looked after my D for 2 days now and did a great job! I got her up and ready for school every day, dropped off, Went to work, then picked her up and played, did bath, dinner, and bed time story...all without my wife's help.

feeling much more confident that I can handle the task if my wife does decide to move out.

[MrBond]

The 180s sound good. But do them for yourself and stop seeking validation for them from us. Just do them.