Unpacking my bags

[needgrace]

oh val, i wish i knew, i wish i knew. it just flew out of my mouth and i do not even know why i said it, i wasn't angry, i was calm, it just felt like the truth to me at that moment... i know, i need to STFU.

i think it is related to me knowing that she is starting the 2nd phase of the D papers (because of her text about the car) ..

when i saw her a few weeks ago, she said that she still had doubts about the D and she mentioned that they were not big enough to change direction but that she may go to therapy on her own

so much happened in that conversation..she said that she really did love me and had written that letter last summer saying that she didn't in order to help me move on....

that what she has with OW is not as deep as what we had...

that things might have been different if, when the attraction to OW began, I did not make her choose (she had just come back a few weeks earlier to work on the M and I told her that she could not work on the M with me while getting to know OW)

i told myself not to give credence to anything she says but perhaps i allow myself to get caught up in all that confusion and end up not knowing which way is up... she is fine and i take on the chaos.