NLW So what if he doesn't go to mediation? Then you guys don't get D. I mean.. He wants the D so he should put in the work or provide the paperwork.. or am I missing something here?
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
I've had a bit of a revelation in the last few days.
NC with stbx continues and S14 is away on camp.
D17 has been at work and then out with friends each evening.
Just me at home with the dogs.
The idea of it used to frighten me.
I didn't want to be 'alone'.
Ever.
Now, when it happens, I actually enjoy it. I feel calm and get to do exactly what I want.
Thinking about it, I reckon I might actually be a loner. I was an only child and usually had only one close friend at a time, growing up.
Since S14 has been away, I've noticed that D17 and I get on much better, too. It's as if I can cope with one other person Ok, but not two - although maybe it's her not feeling 'competitive' with her brother, too.
Maybe this was a big part of the tension that used to occur when stbx was here and there were 4 of us all thrown in together running on an incredibly tight schedule of things 'to do'.
I was usually at wits' end trying to get the kids where they needed to be, keep house, have a relationship with H, work full-time. I spent a lot of time yelling at people to get things done and feeling resentful.
I suspect I just may not be cut out for all that constant interaction on a day-to-day basis.
Too bad for my kids huh?
Well, not saying I'm using the old 'personality psychology' account as an excuse, just observing something about myself that I would never have thought of before.
That is, I think what i always feared the most - being alone - is probably something that actually suits me.
How strange.
Hope I eventually level out a bit - going from one extreme (clingingly co-dependent) to another ("I want to be alone") here. Don't want to end up as a crazy old recluse.
Just catching up on your thread. Sorry your H is causing you such stress. You seem to be handling it as well as possible given the circumstances.
It's good that you can enjoy being alone. It doesn't mean you always need to be alone or that you will end up alone. It just means you can be okay or more than okay if you aren't in a R or are just exploring life on own.
This could open up a whole new world for you, especially when the birdies have left the nest! (Not saying to want to rush this time!)
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
I think its healthy to be able to enjoy one's own company. It means not jumping around frantically looking for someone to be with. Just enjoying time alone, with peace in the head.
Keep on keeping on NLW. You are an inspiration to me!
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I haven't posted on your sitch in a long time. I was just catching up and my jaw dropped when I read some of the things your H said and did. I swear your H and my H had the same script. Mine said the exact same thing as yours. That I was "limiting his access to the kids" and "I won't be in the same position to make you an offer if we have to spend more money going to court" and "I am not threatening you, just making you aware of the reality of the situation."
Don't listen to them. He is scared and he is trying to scare and intimidate you. He is coo-coo for cocoa puffs and he knows he is in for a fight. Don't back down and most certainly do NOT listen to him.
We trying mediation FWIW, but it didn't work out. We are moving on to the GAL. H says I am stalling and procastinating, but that's just because I am not giving him what he wants. If he made me the offer of what I wanted I would sign the documents right now. Of course, he won't do that. He wants to get his divorce and get his way as well (cake-eating in other words). Sorry Charlie, it don't work that way. You don't get to control everything.
Hang on, you're doing great!
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
Can't tell you how calming it is to know that other WAHs say the same things.
Loved this: "Sorry Charlie, it don't work that way. You don't get to control everything."
That's just what I want to say!
Your post has given me strength to carry on - sometimes i doubt my own reasoning in the face of comments about money from him.
My H's fantasy bubble has still to pop.
S14 and I experienced a surreal moment yesterday as I was driving him home from camp.
We pulled up on a red light at an intersection near our home where a fancy hotel/restaurant has a sidewalk eating area.
There was H in all his glory (& wearing his black suit, complete with jacket in the 37degree heat of the midday sun) eating a big plate of restaurant food and drinking a bottle of wine. A down-market business man was seated opposite him.
Our car stopped right next to H's table and if we'd wound down the window, we could have reached out and touched him. The red light seemed to stay on for ages, and S14 and I just looked at him. From the expression on his face and his body language, he knew we were there, but he did not acknowledge either of us.
What a strange moment.
Crossed my mind for a second to park and send S14 in to ask H for some money for food, or money for his school books, or even to pay for his outstanding school fees from August last year... only joking.
These sorts of repeated random encounters around our 'village' make it difficult to detach completely. Every time we go out, there is a distinct possibility that we will see H or OW.
I am here if you ever want to compare notes. Sounds very very similar. Eerily similar. How come you haven't ventured over to the MLC forum?
He's off in la la land. Last night H brought home chocolate covered strawberries from a "friend". Right. How many male co-workers buy chocolate covered strawberries for their counterparts? Really? How stupid does he think I am? I think it must mark one year anniversary from their first date. Which is kind of sickening if you really stop and think about it. Hello!! He's still married one year later! Oh well. Not wasting any more energy on them.
Like I said if you ever want to compare notes just shoot me either a PM or come onto my thread so I can see your note. Newcomers is a hopping place!! LOL!
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
I've been NC with stbx since xmas time - apart from answering the home phone when he rings occasionally asking to speak to kids.
They have started back at school and for the first time he has not contacted me to ask if he can pick them up and drive them home in the afternoons.
He has been threatening me with going to court to finalise settlement if I don't agree to his condition for mediation - that I will not require any documentation/analysis of his financial situation.
I have not replied to his ultimatum other than to say that i want to settle via mediation asap.
I am cordial and polite when I do speak to him, but he has told the kids that he can't come to the house now that I am being so difficult over negotiating financial matters. He has barely seen them in the last 12 weeks.
I presume he can't face me if he is proceeding with court action. But he has really stopped seeing both me and the kids, so this is a major change in his behaviour.
Not sure how to evaluate this in DB terms, but I am feeling much more detached now that contact is less frequent.
And I don't really see any more how we could reconcile.
Perhaps if he had a complete change of character from this strange new version... but that seems impossible.
I know I'm going to be alright (personally, not necessarily financially). The prospect of an expensive, angry court settlement with him doesn't thrill me, but it doesn't scare me witless like it used to.
I'm thinking that after around 18 months -2 years of limbo, one finally gets to the point of being able to contemplate moving on. For me it's been the passage of time more than anything else, I think (aside, of course from the help of you guys out there!).
Just pray. That's your first thing to do. I am not scared anymore either. I pray and I pray. When I start doubting myself I pray. When I get scared, I pray. It works. I know now that God will watch over me and my kids and all will be fine. Different, but fine. I have come to the conclusion God does not want me in this marriage anymore so I will follow God's plan. As if I had a choice in the matter. LOL!
Stick to your guns. He's trying to scare and intimidate you. Obviously he's scared and he is transparent as window glass. Mine is the exact same except now he's playing Mr. Super Dad. It won't last. It never does.
Take care and keep us posted.
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
(Not saying to want to rush this time!)