Rinse, repeat, replay

[Raine]

Having a hard time today. In silence and patience, much becomes discovered, and I don't want to discover anymore. So three OW, and now I'm devastated that something physical happened with OW#2 over a year ago. It's all bad right? He's still FUBAR. He's still cheating. Why does this hurt more than the rest? Because I was blinded for so long? Because I thought his growing distance in early 2012 was to do with me and not his guilt? Because now I'm wondering if he has been cheating on me our entire marriage and he is a serial cheater, not in MLC?

There is only one OW(#1) that he has shown any of the kind of lovey, dovey MLC affair towards, but even then he has acted like they are very much just friends and she is the one he apparently cut all ties with or perhaps her to him, although I doubt that is completely severed. It still was very much closer to a friendship than a relationship, because there wasn't dating and they didn't really spend a lot of time together. The other two are strictly PA buddies only. They call him pet names and so forth, but he doesn't reciprocate.

I feel pulled from one extreme thought to another. I get that his ego needs to be feed and he has major insecurities and he is still so obviously being swallowed by depression most of the time. Still driving around for hours on end or sitting in his room. He can't handle the thought of what he is doing causing pain to me or the boys and it is enough to make him go in a hole for days.

These women are so nasty, I don't know how much of an ego boast he can be getting from it. I get it's about the conquest. He probably feeds off of them wanting him, when he is clearly using them. I don't know why this seems to change things in my mind. I feel like I had a hold of things and now I don't because of how long this has been going on. It's really disturbing and makes me question everything, like I don't even know what this is anymore or what I even want in the end. Not this. Not him. Not someone I go into a panic over is he or is he not going to cheat on me again. Not some man-child.

I have not said anything to him or plan to or have I changed how I act around him. He has no idea I know all this. I don't contact him, usually call him back later if he calls, and act happy and very put together when he is around. He has had some insecure moments with me and he is always sending me game requests through the phone and will play back right away when I play with him, even though I'll go a week or more without playing with him. But then I think this is one of the few ways he is reaching out to me, should I be responding sooner?

I feel like I'm on such a tightrope with him, not knowing how I'm supposed to act to be most effective. I need to give him space. I need to not always be available. But I need to be his friend. I need to make him feel comfortable around me. I feel like I'm playing a game of cat and mouse and I don't know which one I am. I can't play both sides of the coin at the same time.