I've had a bit of a revelation in the last few days.
NC with stbx continues and S14 is away on camp.
D17 has been at work and then out with friends each evening.
Just me at home with the dogs.
The idea of it used to frighten me.
I didn't want to be 'alone'.
Ever.
Now, when it happens, I actually enjoy it. I feel calm and get to do exactly what I want.
Thinking about it, I reckon I might actually be a loner. I was an only child and usually had only one close friend at a time, growing up.
Since S14 has been away, I've noticed that D17 and I get on much better, too. It's as if I can cope with one other person Ok, but not two - although maybe it's her not feeling 'competitive' with her brother, too.
Maybe this was a big part of the tension that used to occur when stbx was here and there were 4 of us all thrown in together running on an incredibly tight schedule of things 'to do'.
I was usually at wits' end trying to get the kids where they needed to be, keep house, have a relationship with H, work full-time. I spent a lot of time yelling at people to get things done and feeling resentful.
I suspect I just may not be cut out for all that constant interaction on a day-to-day basis.
Too bad for my kids huh?
Well, not saying I'm using the old 'personality psychology' account as an excuse, just observing something about myself that I would never have thought of before.
That is, I think what i always feared the most - being alone - is probably something that actually suits me.
How strange.
Hope I eventually level out a bit - going from one extreme (clingingly co-dependent) to another ("I want to be alone") here. Don't want to end up as a crazy old recluse.
