Next Step, Moving On

[dorightman]

I guess I do have alot of anger. Im angry at the fact that my w has abandoned me. That she made a unilateral decision to break up the family, not try to work on the issues, just give up and throw it all away. I feel angry, sad, like I can't deal with it, it's too much. I don't want to feel anger, I want to feel love.
I'am still debating with myself whether I should move out, or if I ask her to move out, and she takes the kids with her. She'll blame me for uprooting the kids, but from my perspective it's her thats making the decision to D, so it makes sense that she goes. I don't know....

[FloydMan]

Don't move out. She can move out. Take care of your kids.

[mamabird]

I agree that the WAS should be the one to move out. What have you said to her in this regard? This is the time to "get a backbone". I told my H in no uncertain terms that if he was done he needed to leave.

Detachment is very hard but once you get there you will feel better. It is not YOUR problem if your W if cold and angry. It is HER problem. You can get to the place where her emotions don't have any effect on you and your life. For me, it was becoming unbearable to live in a M where I was constantly being disrespected and I had to scratch and claw my way back into a position where I could feel good about me. I do have a lot of fears and insecurities, as we all do but I kept seeing various signs to let me know I would be ok no matter what happened. That has to be your mindset if you want to detach.

Regarding her anger and resentment - for her to tell you that it would take years to get over it is once again HER problem. My DB coach said to me (just hours before my H let me know he was ready to R) that if I didn't drop my anger and resentment, not only would I never R with my H, but that I would take it all into my next R and be a very bitter person. He said he has a lot of clients who can't figure out whey they are all alone - and it's because they've never forgiven whatever and whoever has wronged them over the years.

So YOU work on releasing that anger and resentment and work on forgiving her. He said forgiveness was a choice - it is the choice to give up punishing the other person. You make the choice to forgive her and you move forward now. You work on being the best person you can be and stop worrying about her.

I'd advise you to read DB/DR again about detachment and look for some guidance here. It will help you.

[dorightman]

Thanks Regretful, I really appreciate your input. Your right, I really do need to release my resentment and anger. Whenever Im around her, it slips out as little jabs that are mean spirited. I know its wrong after it happens, I apologize , but it's too late. At least Im aware of it.

[mamabird]

Resentment and anger are what ruined my M in the first place. Those little mean spirited jabs go a very long way to ruin any good will in your M. You need to stop that ASAP if you ever want a chance to R.

My H did the same. Even though they may seem like small things, over time they accumulate and these are not loving actions, even if you apologize. When he did that it made me feel like he did not love me and so I took actions as if he did not love me. The negatives have far more weight than the positives, so even if you also do nice things, she's left with a negative valence so to speak. Was this a pattern in your M before BD?

I wonder, if you could get the courage to say to your wife that you realize how hurtful those little jabs are and that you will never do it again, how far could that take you?

[dorightman]

Your right Regretful. I have already sent her an apology email explaining why I was triggered and apologizing for the jabs. The reason why I was triggered this time is because her girlfriend gave her a book about starting your life over and achieving your happiness and dreams. As soon as I started reading it, I felt angry that she was leaving me and starting her "new" life.
I understand that there are no excuses for my mean or angry behavior and I know I need to figure out how to not react emotionally. My greatest challenge is learning all these new behaviors during a time of great stress, worry, sadness and a w that treats me like I'm her neighbor!

[MrBond]

"At least Im aware of it."

Not good enough.

"My greatest challenge is learning all these new behaviors during a time of great stress, worry, sadness and a w that treats me like I'm her neighbor!"

Stop blaming it on her. You take care of your own issues ON YOUR OWN. No one else can do it for you.

[AnotherStander]

I guess I do have alot of anger. Im angry at the fact that my w has abandoned me. That she made a unilateral decision to break up the family, not try to work on the issues, just give up and throw it all away.

We just talked about this in another thread, but try to have compassion for your W. She is hurting too. It may not seem like it, but inside she's in pain over what she's doing. Try to understand that. She was hurting a long, long time before deciding to do this and she's still hurting. Try to understand why she was hurting, and do 180's on those things. If you're angry you will appear cold and indifferent to her. That will just make matters worse. You need to have PMA and appear content and happy when around her, like your life is just fine whether you're with or without her.

I'am still debating with myself whether I should move out, or if I ask her to move out, and she takes the kids with her.

Don't force the issue unless you feel you have to for you. First, you should stay in the house. The WAS needs to suffer the aggravation of moving. Second, the kids will always see your house as home base, you want them to feel comfortable with you even if you don't have them full time. Third, the kids don't understand what's going on. They will perceive the spouse that leaves the house as the one that instigated things. You don't want that to be you.

But like I said, don't force it. It should be your W's decision. If she asks you to leave then tell her "I am the one that wants to hold the M together, so I am staying put. My hope is that you'll stay here and work on the M with me. But if you feel you must leave to be happy, then I support your decision." My W originally said she was going to move out and I replied "I don't want you to, but I do want you to be happy and if you feel that moving out will make you happy then I support your decision and will help you." She later told me she didn't understand why she had to leave, that she wanted me to leave instead. I responded basically with what I told you up above. She never asked again (and she did move out).

[dorightman]

Bond,Regretful,Floyd,Stander Thanks. I agree with all of you and I thank you for the advice.
My only issue that I struggle with is whether I should move out or ask w to move out and she takes the kids. I know I sound like a broken record, and Stander, I hear you loud and clear, but I'm having a hard time swallowing your advice. Only because it feels wrong to make her & kids move out. It just makes more sense to me that i move out. Seems easier and doesn't displace the kids.

[MrBond]

Talk to your L to see what your rights are. Don't move out and in the same time, she can't just take the kids.