Limbo Land

[MrBond]

I don't get it. You insisted that you weren't going to pack her things up and give her an ultimatum to us, AND YET that's exactly what you just did.

You do know that she's not going to respond well right? It's still you trying to control her like a domineering H. There are other ways you could have handled that.

"Is that a decent, vague enough, response? Establish a little beta comfort without getting needy?"

Decent? No.
Vague? Yes.
Establish beta comfort? No.

[jzoom]

Ugh, I didn't read the text I wrote the way you did. When I said "move things" I meant she could move the baby's crib back into the the bedroom with the boys and set the cot back up, I didn't mean "get out".

So I don't want to get long-winded or needy or anything if/when I text her in a few hours. Maybe something like, "Just realized my text this morning was a little unclear, if you don't want to join me in our bed you can move the crib back into the other bedroom and set the cot back up. I'm still thinking things through and know you are too."

?????????


Damn, I really wasn't intending it to come across as an ultimatum. If not the text I outlined above, what?

[jzoom]

Or possibly this text, "Sorry, realized my text this morning was a little unclear. I didn't mean you have to move things out, I meant if you still want to sleep in the other room I understand. If you still need time and space I understand, I'm still thinking things through as well."

[MrBond]

Still unclear. Just tell her that you were just moving things around to make room. Don't mention anything about time and space, etc.

[jzoom]

Wait, I really don't understand how that will alleviate her thinking it was a "get in my bed or get out" message. I was wanting to establish a clear boundary and beta comfort without being needy.

The message I intended is: "You can get into bed with me, sleep in the room with the boys, or continue to sleep someplace else. If you choose to sleep at the house I will do the laundry but if you sleep elsewhere then you're responsible for your laundry. Whatever you choose is fine by me, you won't upset or anger me."

[AnotherStander]

You and *baby* are welcome to join me back in our bedroom, boys back in their room, or you can move things. If you'll be staying here at home with me put your and the kids dirty clothes in the blue basket so that I can get it washed for my family.

<shakes head>

Is that a decent, vague enough, response? Establish a little beta comfort without getting needy? [/quote]

No, that's a needy, pursuing, grabby response. Brother, you've really got to get on board with DB'ing. Detach, detach, detach!!!! Do you know what "detach" means? It means QUIT PURSUING HER!!!! You're just driving her farther away!

[jzoom]

Well, I need to come up with something that supports my goal, which was the message I intended as I explained above.

"Sorry if I was unclear earlier. You're welcome back in our bedroom or you and *baby* can move back into boys room. I want to take care of my family if you're going to be home. If not, ok, I'm still thinking things through."

So what's my goal? First step is to have her and the kids come back to the house and begin sleeping there again.

At this point I could just text, "Just cleaning and moving things to make room." I suspect that will lead to more questions though.

Detach....guess I could just completely ignore the question and not even send a text.

[jzoom]

Maybe I could go with, "Sorry, realized the text this morning might have come across the wrong way. I don't mean you have to move stuff out, I just moved stuff around to make room and clean up."

[jzoom]

Actually, I'm sitting here realizing that I'm over-thinking this again. Trying to script out something to say and mind read her response. The reason I was upbeat and confident this morning is b/c I made the statement and wasn't worried about the outcome. So the "alpha" thing to do is just ignore b/c she wants me to "explain myself" and that's what "nice guys" do. Also, from DB, I remember seeing, "if you're unsure what to do, do nothing".

[MrBond]

That response is fine. It is good to have your texts posted here for suggestions before you send them out. Especially since your recent text didn't was misinterpreted.