I ABSOLUTELY wanted my W to know how miserable she was. The fact that she refuses to acknowledge that this separation will effect our daughter absolutely infuriates me.
It was frustrating for me too, my kids all suffered in their own ways and here I was going through all my own pain and suffering while also trying to minister to the kids, all while W stood by silently only to speak up now and then long enough to say the kids would be fine. W finally broke down on the phone with me around November and admitted she knew the kids were suffering and that it tore her up inside. She said she was really confused and was considering reconciling just for the kids. I told her that wouldn't work for us. A few days later I talked to her again and she said I just caught her at an emotional moment and that she wasn't really that confused about things. Then as I mentioned above she admitted over the weekend she's been crying the whole time we've been S. I think this last was genuine, she seems to be communicating more honestly since RetroV. What does it all mean? Like the DB tip says, don't believe anything she says and only half of what she does! I guess what I'm saying is I'm sure your W already knows your D is in pain even if outwardly she acts like it's OK, so you don't need to try to force her to see it.
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However, it seems that my phone coach wants me to work on the friendship anlge, so being physically detached is somewhat contrary to that.
I don't know if I'm giving contrary advice, but for me I was friendly with W without being in a friendship with her. IE, when I talked to her or was around her I was friendly, but I didn't contact her myself nor did I try to see her except when I had to (to swap the kids).
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I am really confused on how to interact and how often to interact with W. So far, I have reached out to her 4 times over the course of about a month and a half to do activities with D and I. She has been receptive 3 out of 4 times, and we have had pleasant interaction. I have told myself that I will not initiate any more activities. She needs to reach out next, I am just not sure she will do so....therefore I feel like I am chasing my own tail on exactly what to do in my situation.
I think that sounds reasonable. Pull back and see if she makes a move. The time and space might help you in your detachment too.
Originally Posted By: suckerpunch
Hearing that helps a lot! I know my W has to be hurting too. She's got to be. I am positive she is struggling with at least some of the consequences regarding her decision to leave. Although, she doesn't show it on the outside. Whenever she comes around, she is put together, upbeat and appears very happy with her choices. I guess the WAW has to "act as if" just as much as the LBS does....hmmm.
You are absolutely correct. Every time I saw my W she was exactly that- upbeat, happy, content, put-together. To hear she's been crying at work, in her bathroom and in her bedroom the entire 4-1/2 months we've been S was a complete surprise to me. Apparently the kids didn't know either as they haven't said a word to me (and I'm sure they would have). So apparently she was acting "as if" the whole time.
