Lately we drifted apart. She said she was sad for her mom, it's been 2.5 years but she still cries once or twice a week thinking about her. I thought I was giving her time to heal by taking care of everything. She just shut down, would do nothing with me. I drifted towards computer games and tv.
She probably didn't want you to do chores while she healed by herself, she wanted you to give her emotional support. I suspect that you didn't, is that the case? And by emotional support, I mean talk to her about her feelings and emotions and validate them without trying to fix her. I know this is an area I failed at when my W lost her grandmother. I gave her space which is how I deal with grief. That is not how W deals with grief, she does it by leaning on those close to her. So by giving her space I drove her to others to get the help she needed.
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On Saturday everything came to light and I did everything wrong. I did everything wrong again on Sun, Mon. Now I'm trying to 180.
So you've just been doing 180's for a few days? That's OK, I'm just trying to get a clear picture. If so, then please understand that it's going to take months for your W to believe your 180's. It's been over 7 months for me and W is just starting to open up. She told me that initially my 180's made her mad, she was angry that I didn't do it before BD when "clearly" it was really easy for me. It took her many months before she realized the changes were real and not just tricks. She also came to realize that the reason I didn't change before was because I didn't know she wanted me to.
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I have started working out. Eating better. I don't call her all the time. I only respond to her texts.
Good starts. Just keep at it. CONSISTENCY is extremely important. Your W is probably watching you a lot closer than you realize. Stick with it.
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She says she loves him and is not "in love" with me.
Typical WAS talk. Don't let it get to you. One of the DB tips is don't believe anything she says and only half of what she does.
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She says she loves me. I know I'm not supposed to say it to her, but do I say it back?
It's OK to say it back if she says it to you. Just don't overdo it.
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If I push her away, will she come back.
The idea isn't to push her away, it's to pull away from her. You need to detach and leave her to her mess. That's for her to sort out. And if you detach, it is possible she will pull towards you. It's the distance/ pursuit dynamic. If she starts pursuing then you still need to maintain distance, because if you move towards her she will distance again. This is one of the toughest things to do in DB'ing because our gut tells us to pursue, but believe me, detaching works MUCH better than pursuit.
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I guess I'm not sure where to start. She wants to be with him more than me, but she isn't convinced she wants to leave me. I know I can't pursue or ask future questions, but how should I act?
Read DR again. Detach. GAL. Make improvements to yourself. That's what DB'ing is all about.
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I have set some goals. * I want her to believe she can be happy at home. * I want her to come back (leave him).
Look at DR again and read the section on setting goals. These are far too broad. You have to break them down into smaller, more obtainable goals so you can measure progress. Things like "I want her to call just to see how I'm doing." "I want her to initiate a hug." Maybe she already does these things, but the point is the goals need to be baby steps. If you want her to be happy at home, what are the dozen things you would need to see to know that is starting to happen? Make those dozen things your goals.
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* I want to be able to trust her.
This will have to wait until if/ when you get to piecing. Obviously you can't trust her now and won't be able to until she ends it with OM. It won't be until she expresses interest in reconciling that you'll be able to set boundaries and work through trust issues.
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Personal goals. * Workout Daily (at least 30 minutes) * Eat healthy * Spend more time with kids (at least 1 family night a week)
Again, these goals are too ambiguous. What is your goal in working out, to lose weight? Then set a goal of losing "X" pounds per week and track that progress. If you want to spend more time with the kids then make your goals things like "take kids to zoo", "take kids to park", "take kids to eat ice cream". These are specific goals that you can check off as they're accomplished.
If someone says "my goal is to eat healthy" then they never do. But if they say "I'm going to cut out candy and eat 6 servings of fruits and veggies a day, plus 2 helpings of lean meat and take a multivitamin" then they're much more inclined to do it because there's a specific road map.
