Think it is a mid life crisis - thoughts, advice?

[Lovemyfamily]

It's been a long time since I posted - I've mainly been reading others posts trying to make more sense of my situation. But I dont' think there is any making sense.

I'm HOPING to get some response, maybe someone can knock sense into me. I know that I have not detached. It just doesn't seem possible - he's around too much, because of our daughter, and in general seems to like to want to keep me just at arms length.

A little of what has transpired since last post. Christmas was ok, he spent the night christmas Eve - in my bed of course - and we had a good Christmas morning. I was on vacation that week and he always texted asking how I was etc. Then comes NYE - I told him we had no plans but he said he had 3 options. He came over during the day, and I set myself up for hurt as usual hioping he would change his mind. But he left for one of his parties by 6:00. No text at midnight, nothing. Another great NYE for me.

Then all h**l broke loose New Years day because he discovered I was texting with a guy. I know, wrong on my part. But I didn't lie about it and never had intentions on anything but friendship with the guy - made it clear I was working on marriage and just wanted friendship etc. But obviously that didn't suit my H. Although he is allowed to be friends with whomever he wants. If that isn't a double standard. He instists that it is different because he has know the girls he texts for years - partially true but there is still the 25 year old hairdresser that he only knows from delivering to her business. But he has cut back on texting them as far as I can tell. So anyway, we kind of got over that but he still likes to bring it up and inquire about who I'm texting.

We actually went out by ourselves to watch a football game about 2 weeks ago, our favorte team was playing. Him made lots of excuses and then finally said that he really wanted to go, just didn't want me posting on FB about it like we are a happy couple. That's the big thing - we can't be seen together by any of his friends. At any rate, we had a good time. The next week I asked him about doing the same thing again, but he couldn't leave band practice early again. Who has band practice every Saturday and Sunday for 3 weeks straight?!

So last week I ask if he wants to do something. (I just still feel too much like I need to show him I can still be fun and a mom? Feel like we need some time together or its just going to all fall apart) Again he beats around the bush - mostly because of that not wanting to be seen together. So I ask if he wants to come for dinner and he says that's cool. I get a sitter, make an awesome dinner, even put out candles etc. It goes good until I mention going out somewhere, he says he wants a quiet night, then says that I got weird from there. I don't see that as the case but anyway. We lay in bed to watch tv, I fall asleep, which is not unusual, and he leaves without telling me hes leaving. Texts me about how he was hoping for a more romantic long night. Well ok, sorry for dozing off (i'm basically a tired single mom these days!) but then he won't answer my calls and texts. Sunday morning he writes that he went to his friends to work on music stuff and turned his phone off - and was seriously upset because I fell asleep. WTH.

We made up for it Sunday evening I guess....

Maybe I need to go back and read the book over and start over. I allow him to control way to much of my emotional state. But like I said, I don't feel like I can just go dark, that it wouldn't be good for us to make any headway.

Went to my new counsleor twice. She doesn't feel like she can't help me any further without talking with him. She wants me to ask him but I haven't had the nerve. It would be good for him though.

Feel free to beat me with a stick or whatever and tell me to get back to the book. I did read Mort Fertel's book. It makes sense but totally goes against DB. So I got even more confused. Anyone?

[Lovemyfamily]

Anybody out there??

[MrBond]

Obviously what you're doing isn't working. You think being available for him whenever is the best way. It's not. You go out when YOU want to go out. The reality is that you are a mom first and foremost. He has to understand that. YOu can show off your fun side without necessarily being available. You saw what happened when he thought you were seeing someone else. Total cake eater.

When you show him that you've moved on or act as if you have, then he will start looking back. You can be enigmatic and tell him you're going out without telling him details. Or ask him to watch the kids while you go out, etc. It's not mind games. It's just not having to answer to someone who isn't even there for you.

[Lovemyfamily]

Thanks for the reply Mr Bond. That has been my thought thru this whole thing - total cake eater. He has the best of both worlds - can come play family man whenever he wants and then leave to do whatever he wants - absolutely no responsibility. It drives me nuts.

I don't plan to invite him to do anything - no more family dinners, nothing. It's hard because I feel like it pushes him away more, but the way things have been going he has no reason to make any changes in the situation. Last night I was doing stuff around the house and playing with little one, never contacted him. So I wake up to a message saying he guesses I am mad about something. Uh, no, just living. He reminded me the other day that I am not the center of the universe - well, guess what, neither are you. I think he does have a problem with me being mom first, part of what got us into all this I think, though he would never admit it. On the flip side of that, I do believe it is very important to put your marriage as top priority and teach your children about a good marriage. But not when he is gone - she is my number 1. Runs around acting and posting things as if he is father of the year. Now, he is a good dad, but how many dads do you know see their daughter on Friday morning and don't make it a priority to see them again until Sunday afternoon - and not even because he was 'busy'. Geez.

So I need to work more on my getting a life. Although I will surely get accused of all sorts of things lol. It usually seems like he's just waiting for me to mess up so that he can go file and say it was all my fault. Well - that is not going to happen.

[AnotherStander]

I'm HOPING to get some response, maybe someone can knock sense into me.

Have you read DR? Read it. If you've read it then read it again. What you're doing is PURSUING. Burn this word into your mind. It is harmful behavior, it will never bring your husband back. It is what your heart tells you is right. It is what DR and these forums tells you is wrong. You need to listen to DR and these forums, not your heart.

I know that I have not detached. It just doesn't seem possible - he's around too much, because of our daughter, and in general seems to like to want to keep me just at arms length.

So what you're saying is he is detached (keeps you at arm's length). Yet somehow you can't detach. Ask yourself if that makes sense. He's not around you any more than you're around him, yet he's detached and you aren't.

He came over during the day, and I set myself up for hurt as usual hioping he would change his mind. But he left for one of his parties by 6:00. No text at midnight, nothing. Another great NYE for me.

Drop your expectations about what H will and will not do. He is not responsible for your happiness, YOU are. You should have made your own NYE plans. You don't need H to have fun.

But I didn't lie about it and never had intentions on anything but friendship with the guy - made it clear I was working on marriage and just wanted friendship etc.

I think you're lying to yourself. People don't start relationships with the opposite sex with the intent of being good ol' buddies.

That's the big thing - we can't be seen together by any of his friends.

Detach. Quit doing stuff with him. If you're an embarrassment to him then what do you gain by going? He's treating you like dirt and hiding his R with you, is that what you want?

The next week I asked him about doing the same thing again,

Pursuit.

So last week I ask if he wants to do something.

Pursuit.

(I just still feel too much like I need to show him I can still be fun and a mom? Feel like we need some time together or its just going to all fall apart)

(Dr. Phil voice) How's that working out for you?

but then he won't answer my calls and texts.

Pursuit.

Maybe I need to go back and read the book over and start over.

Yes, you do!! This time put the principals to work!!

I allow him to control way to much of my emotional state.

Right again!

But like I said, I don't feel like I can just go dark, that it wouldn't be good for us to make any headway.

Don't go by what you feel, your feelings are wrong. That's why you need DR and these forums, to remind you to set your feelings aside and do what WORKS.

Went to my new counsleor twice. She doesn't feel like she can't help me any further without talking with him. She wants me to ask him but I haven't had the nerve. It would be good for him though.

MC never works with a WAS. More often than not they just hear what they want to hear which is that the love is dead and they need to leave.

Feel free to beat me with a stick or whatever and tell me to get back to the book.

See above, LOL!

I did read Mort Fertel's book. It makes sense but totally goes against DB. So I got even more confused. Anyone?

Pick one approach or the other. You can't mix and match.

[Lovemyfamily]

Thank you AnotherStander - I needed that. Will go back and reread the book.

Question for you - in an earlier post you mentioned the 5 Languages of Love. I actually already had the book (probably should have read it after we got married, wonder why someone gave us the book as a gift lol). So my husband needs Words of Affirmation, this is his language. It's awful hard to praise someone when right now all they are doing is messing up your world, know what I mean? He's not around for me to praise him for helpful things. Mostly he wants praise for all of his music ventures - well, sorry, I'm not going to get all crazy telling you how great your music is and happy that practice went well etc when music is STILL more important than our family.

You are completely right about relationships with the opposite sex. I dn't feel like I had intentions - but then again, these relationships are part of what got H and I to where we are, I wasn't happy about who he was talking with. In hind sight, I was probably just trying to retaliate against him. But at any rate, I knew I shouldn't have been talking with the guy and it's over now.

Dr. Phil would have a hey day with all of this....

Thanks for the support, I need to come back here more often and get myself on the right track.

[Gettingoverit]

When my husband left to spend to be with his daughter, I said to him " so you're putting your daughter before me" and he said "isn't that what you've always done ." I guess I always did but he never said anything before. He was always a workaholic and was never home so they had to have one parent. According to the experts yes your marriage comes first,which is hard when you have small children. But yes listen do what everyone says on here, you have to detach for you and have no expectations, it's hard but it is for your own good.

[MrBond]

When you praise him you don't have to go overboard. Just when he does something tell him that you appreciate him doing it. Or maybe that he looks good. Something small and don't make a big deal about it. If he starts reacting positively about it, then you give a little more. Get him on the hook first before reeling him in.

[AnotherStander]

Question for you - in an earlier post you mentioned the 5 Languages of Love. I actually already had the book (probably should have read it after we got married, wonder why someone gave us the book as a gift lol). So my husband needs Words of Affirmation, this is his language. It's awful hard to praise someone when right now all they are doing is messing up your world, know what I mean?

Yes, because it's what I had to do as well. But suck it up and do it. Keep in mind what your goal is (to save the marriage). If what you're doing brings you closer to that goal then it's a no-brainer.

As Mr. Bond said, you don't have to be sappy/ overly emotional about it. My W's PLL is also WoA. An example of how I fill that- she comes over to my house every morning to get the kids off to school, even on the weeks I have them. In return I pick them up in the afternoon, but nevertheless, she is going out of her way to do this. So I've told her "I want you to know how much I appreciate your getting the kids ready each morning, and I know they appreciate getting to spend the extra time with you, you're really a great mother to them." So there are ways of offering WoA without it being pursuit.

Mostly he wants praise for all of his music ventures - well, sorry, I'm not going to get all crazy telling you how great your music is and happy that practice went well etc when music is STILL more important than our family.

Don't take this personally, but shame on you. It's apparently the most important thing in his life, so it is EXACTLY the area you should be offering him WoA in. You want his passion as part of your marriage, not something you want to beat him up over. Would I condone him spending all his time doing that at the expense of the family? Not at all, but if that's what he's doing, these things can be negotiated in a healthy marriage. Unfortunately right now your M isn't healthy, so you've got to set aside your anger over this. Learn to embrace it and give him WoA for it. If and when he shows interest in reconciling, then is the time to negotiate a compromised schedule that gets him home more.

You are completely right about relationships with the opposite sex. I dn't feel like I had intentions - but then again, these relationships are part of what got H and I to where we are, I wasn't happy about who he was talking with. In hind sight, I was probably just trying to retaliate against him. But at any rate, I knew I shouldn't have been talking with the guy and it's over now.

Good, this is exactly the kind of introspection I was hoping you'd apply to the comment, job well done Now do the same with the comment above about the music!

Dr. Phil would have a hey day with all of this....

LOL!

[Lovemyfamily]

Thanks for the incite. My H actually comes over 4 days a week to get little one ready and take her to daycare, I hadn't even thought to say anything good about it (sometimes I really have to drag myself out of thoughts of how it was his choice anyway to move and make it hard on himself - and he is still a dad either way)

The music thing is tough for me. I know it is his passion and he will always do it - and used to I could be more a part of it. But it is so hard because it's like he always chooses mucis over the family, and especially over me. Your point is valid but it is just hard. He is in 3 bands now. And it feels like he has the dream of being a rockstar again, like someone is going to happen along his music and make his dreams of being famous come true. Back when our daughter was first born he quit the one band and said several times that that dream was over (and also that several of his other friends should give up on the dream bc they have families now) of course, I got the blame later for him having to leave that band, he totally went against what he used to say about him leaving it. Anyway, I do realize he is always going to be involved with music, and he is good, but sometimes it's just too much. But I digress - I will try. I have asked him about practice and stuff lately instead of blowing it all off.

Thanks for everyones help today. I'm feeling a little more 'on the right path' and more confident this afternoon. Now to go home and get the book back out....