Escape from Hades

[trainthruhell]

I think this is good, but then again ....

Made it through the Holidays and I am feeling pretty good. Actually I don't feel bad at all, I think working with my Therapist and investing in myself is really paying off. I've becoming a lot more self aware and stronger. So about a week after the Holidays W tells me that she is moving out and has a place to stay. I told her that whatever she wanted to do was her choice, I would never ask her to leave. She left on a Wednesday, leaving both Me and our D by ourselves. She said she is OK just being by herself, although I know about the OM, so I didn't believe anything she said. I also knew, before this, that she was planning a weekend trip out west for that coming weekend with OM as well, (which did happen). I was making plans to just move on, get on with my life without her. I felt very strong about going it alone and taking care of my kids. Then...

I get a phone call from her the following Thursday (after her trip), and she wants to talk. I asked what about and she will not tell me until she sees me but say she believes it is positive. I am a bit guarded for sure but we meet after I get home that day. W looks awful, I mean really terrible. I've actually never seen her this way before. She starts to talk, and the best word I can describe her is; contrite. She says she is thinking a lot and wants to come home and work things out. She even mentioned marriage counselling. In the end I told her I'd think about it because I can go either way, with or without her, and I would let her know. She seemed extremely sad, even though she told me she is happy. I also said there will be some stipulations if I decided to try to make things work. W said she understood.

I thought about it for awhile, and I would be silly not to give it a go, since this was what I wanted all along. After talking with my Therapist I told her we could give it a shot, however, I had two mandatory conditions; One, W needs to see a therapist herself to really get in and face her issues; this is for her, since it doesn't have anything to do with me or the marriage, and Two, complete honesty and truthfulness, no more lies. Any of these conditions gets broken I am outta here. She agreed. I am noticing other things as well, no blaming me; able to talk about us, knowing it will be painful and ugly. She even said that she is sorry for all the pain she has caused me.

I am still pretty guarded, and am able to walk down the path alone if it was meant to be. Still not sure if this this train through Hell is just at a weigh station getting fueled up for more of the same or if the W found an exit ramp. Taking things day by day, and expressing kindness. Not sure if this is replay or not, but I am still riding along working on myself. I will very soon find the time to bring up OM and all that I know. Things need to get out in the open to get started.