Grizz, hijack away! I actually find the "sex" thing interesting. It seems you may be doing a bit better than me, because sex is not even on the table with my WAW. If we do by chance reconcile, I think sex will be a ways down the road.
AnotherStander, I responded a couple of days ago, but I think my post got lost. I appear to be off moderation as my last post went right through, so here my sitch again.
My wife said she wanted a divorce about six weeks ago and the papers came soon after. Once she dropped the bomb she immediately became very cold and distant. I immediately started doing 180's (before I had even heard of them!), but was pursuing very hard. The pursuing just made her more distant and even nasty.
Anyway, after a couple of weeks I found this site and bought "Divorce Busters" and started to distance. At first it was hard as I was in my angry phase and exploded a couple of times (verbally not physically). I didn't explode saying I wanted to get back together, but I made it clear I was not happy with the nasty way she was treating me. I even told she should get out of the house which she refused.
I have now consistently been doing 180's for six weeks (which I'm sure she has noticed). Every complaint she had about me has been fixed. I am also continuing to distance.
Now that she is being very pleasant and does want to spend time with me, I wonder if she simply feels bad about the way she has treated me? Or, is the distancing working and is she beginning to see the changes in me are real?
Although I have zero expectations, I am hopeful for the first time in a while. Like I said (and everyone seems to agree), I'll just keep doing what I'm doing and see what happens.
I hope I can nip this in the bud . I read posts from LBHs wondering if his WAW feels badly over her treatment of him. No! She doesn't........and the sooner you stop with that kind of thinking,the better.
We need more information, like your ages, how long M, do you have kids, etc.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks Sandi. Why wouldn't she feel bad? As terrible as she has been, she is still a very good and caring person. I do think she still cares about me at some level. If she does not feel bad then what else could her motives be?
I'm 40, she is 37, we have been married for seven years and together for 15. No kids.
A little background. She has always been the adult and the responsible one. We both work but she has always done the house work, paid the bills, etc. She also had always told me that I did not take any pride in our home or myself. But, as I mentioned, this has all changed in the last six weeks with my 180's. I have kept the house spotless, completed all my unfinished house projects, been working out (lost 20 lbs and put 50 on my bench press), been dressing nicely, etc.
"Had": just a quick update because you said you were interested in the "sex" topic. In my previous post I said lesson learned, well, lesson was not learned. ML last night. I will head over to my thread to give the details though and not hijack your thread any longer. Good luck and keep DBing.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
Hi everyone, not sure if I should start a new thread, but since everyone here knows my background I'll post here. Anyway, I need some help.
My wife initially told me she wanted a divorce seven weeks ago but wanted to stay in the same house until everything was final. Tonight she told be she wants to move out (something I told her she should do in a fit of anger a couple weeks ago). I have been distancing since that fight, but everything has been very pleasant and she has been nice for the first time since the bomb. Now she says she is tired of us fighting and thinks it would be for the best to move and she has looked at some places. It's funny she was very pleasant and seemed sad as she told me this.
Anyway, I played it cool and said I would support anything she feels she needs to do. However, I am afraid if she leaves she will stop noticing my 180's and it will be over.
Hi everyone, not sure if I should start a new thread, but since everyone here knows my background I'll post here. Anyway, I need some help.
Definitely stick to this thread, it's easier for us to track your sitch and what advice has been offered.
Quote:
Now she says she is tired of us fighting and thinks it would be for the best to move and she has looked at some places. It's funny she was very pleasant and seemed sad as she told me this.
Anyway, I played it cool and said I would support anything she feels she needs to do. However, I am afraid if she leaves she will stop noticing my 180's and it will be over.
You handled it properly. You can't keep her from moving out, and you shouldn't try. Just validate her emotions and tell her you support her decision. She'll still notice your 180's. I don't think my sitch would have seen the recent progress it has if W hadn't moved out. Separation changes the dynamics and can help the WAS to start the healing process. It's hard for the WAS to have much space if they stay at home. And S also helps the LBS to more fully detach. I'm not saying S is easy, but it can lead to progress in the sitch.
Thanks guys. I'm glad I handled it properly and it is good to hear that separation is not always the end.
A bit more on what transpired after I posted last night. She asked if she could take the dogs with her. I hesitated but eventually agreed (hard to do, because I love my dogs).
She then started crying and said she needed the dogs with her because she "can't lose everything."
I have no idea what was going through her head and was a bit surprised because she has seemed very happy and content with her decision to divorce.
Yes. Stop trying to figure out what's in her head. Start living your life and while you can show concern, you certainly shouldn't try to control the situation.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
