Total despair 2

[labug]

So here's my view from much further out on the timeline.

Our spouses didn't wake up one morning and decide to leave the marriage. They'd been thinking about it for a while, and probably having conversations in their heads or with friends about all the stuff we did wrong that caused them pain and anger. I'm sure most of them felt they were working on the marriage, we just didn't get it.

I'm not saying all this is correct but it's usually the WA mindset. And their POV is valid.

It would have been nice had they shared all this with us. Maybe they did and we didn't listen or they didn't say it so we could hear it.

But it really doesn't matter, because here we are, both parties being in most cases equally responsible for the damage to the marriage. I'm sure at times your W thinks- had he only done x,y or z 2 years ago, we wouldn't be here, my daughter wouldn't be hurting.

The difference is we here say they want to work on the marriage, change the poor R skills, become the partner only a fool would leave.

And that's all we can do anyway, work on us.

If you feel you need to talk to the school counselor, then do that. If you want to get your W involved, schedule a time with her and tell her, from your heart, what you see happening. Don't automatically turn it into "This is happening because you left." Kids need parents who are respectful of each other and who can pull together for the sake of the kids even more than they need 2 parents in one home.

Sometimes it takes one parent to model that behavior and lead the way. Can you do that?

Your W will also need to feel safe that you aren't going to continue to blame this on her.

I'm not saying bury your anger but figure out what it is you're actually feeling. There's an emotion that stirs the anger.

And think back, when was the last time you saw anger solve anything?

Good luck, I know this is difficult.