I wonder what my actions looked like to XH since he left?
You know I've spent all this time so confused, angry, resentful, and just depressed over something I felt I had no control over.
My XH's actions completely had me in a tail spin. I couldn't understand why he was acting so hot and cold all the time. I couldn't understand why for someone that wanted out and a divorce so badly, and was finally getting it, was acting like he was the one getting served with papers, and getting treated as he treated me!
It finally dawned on me, that as horrible as I felt, even though he was the one that immediately hooked up with OW, I do believe I ended up being the one that walked away first. I think XH wanted a divorce in order to have freedom but still wanted to keep the connection and keep that door open. Serious cake eating is what he wanted. Serious cake eating is all he's ever know in his life, because XH has always been able to have his cake and eat it too.
Not this time.
See it was when I put my foot down, got an attorney, and told him " Ok you wanted this divorce, you're getting it. WE're also going to act like we're divorced", he really started flipping his biscuits!
I had even emailed him and told him that it was very clear to me that his priorities in life and what he values in a relationship are completely different than mine based on his choices. I told thanked him for the laughter, and being there when I truly needed him most, when my mother died. I said happy trails, and he would be in my heart forever.
Since then, as horrible as I've felt and as much as I've wished this could've turned around, I've conducted myself with my head held high and kept going forward, even if I kept looking back.
Im really beginning to think that XH has been angry with me for sticking to my guns and moving forward. He tried to cake eat so many damn times, and I would tell him NO. He would be livid and spew.
The minute I would stand firm and remind him that we are no longer together, that things are going to be different from what he's been used to, HE WOULD SPEW LIKE NO OTHER.
Many things are coming back to me now, Im still giving the alst year and a half an autopsy I guess you could say. Im now looking back at how I behaved, and carried myself, and how it must've looked to others and XH.
I think on the outside I looked pretty well put together. On the inside I was a horrific mess.
