Recap:Me-39, H-41,M-3 years, T-41/2, Friends for 10.
H took job on opposite coast 6 months after we were married. Plans to move back never happened. Lots of life stuff in the way. H's abusive father committed suicide last year. Flew from his home state to H's city and did it within a few blocks of his office. H had already begun spiraling, toying with MLC prior. This pushed him over. He began drinking a lot, burying his pain in alcohol and making decisions he would not have made previously. We were not communicating well, arguing, generally not getting on well at all.
Meanwhile, I had shut down, had my own loss in my life, struggling with what our marriage was, how it rated to the marriage I had in my head. All added up to us being broken, both individually and as a couple, and neither of us knowing how to fix any of it.
September, H came home for my birthday. Argued the whole time. When he flew back, he was done (I know this now). Started talking to other women, dating, and then began a relationship with one of them. After two months, H dropped the bomb and told me he wanted D. I panicked, researched, found out what happened. Called her. They ended.
I found DB during that time. Started implementing (well, to the best of my ability) and working on myself. During that time, H was struggling, coming to terms with us, his relationship with his father, the choices he had made in life. Started counseling, going to AA meetings, taking responsibility for his actions.
We reconciled over the holidays. Both of us in healthier, better places. Both of us on the same page to make our marriage work. And, the crazy thing is, when we have been together (and even when we are not) the sexual attraction is super intense. I spent months thinking about him with someone else, repulsed at the thought of him touching me. Then when we finally were in the same room again, after hours and hours of phone calls and open communication, I wanted nothing more then to be intimate with him. Is that weird? Because, there was a time that I never thought I would want to be again. Now, I think about it a lot.
As my last post discussed, we are moving forward and being very conscientious of each other throughout. We are eager to get back to the same geographic location so we can spend the time and energy together needed to build a new marriage.
I know we are a little different because we had a LDR when all of this went on, and honestly, I think that's one of the reasons why I was able to get beyond the infidelity to really look at what caused it. I'm not sure I would have been in the same headspace had it happened while we were living under the same roof. But, maybe I would have? IDK.
For those of you who have been there, do the images ever go away? The head movies of your S with someone else? I want to hope that one day, we will be so far down the road, living a new life together, that I never have them pop into my head. I know they have lessened now, but I'm concerned when we do start living together again, that they will rise up and haunt me again.
I'm not to piecing (yet), but do have a lot of road time with the infidelity, so here's my 2.5 cents:
-Yes, they do diminish over time, but you will have them pop up at the weirdest times, or when you are stressed or feeling insecure...it was important for W and I (after round 1 of mlc replay) that I tell her that I had a "trigger" so that she knew why I was acting the way I was. You might want to let him know, if you haven't already, that you probably will have triggers and that it doesn't mean the "end" or anything like that. Just be prepared for yourself and have a plan as to what you are going to do, be upfront with H without having to dig into "that" past, etc.
I am happy that you are where you are, good work!!
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Thank you TS. I appreciate your feedback and experience.
I have been trying to be honest with H about my triggers when I recognize them myself. I think he senses them before I do, which was why he was keeping in contact with me the whole time he was out with his friend this weekend.
So, interesting thing just happened and, honestly, I'm really not sure how to take it. H told me that he would be 100% ok with me exploring and 'being' with someone before he comes home as long as I was safe. I asked if it was about leveling the playing field and he said yes, that he thought I might want to do that since he had. How does this thought even enter someone's mind? I don't have any desire to 'get even'. And, even if I did, I wouldn't be in any place to reconcile my marriage and move forward.
Was this just his shame and insecurity talking? Or do guys really think like this?
I truly don't think he is, or when he would be able to. He's in constant communication with me and it's so different then it has been. I'm really thinking it was a test, a juvenile and needy test, but a test just the same. It's the only time he has said anything remotely like that.
Ya, ok, just spoke with him and asked for clarification. He would definitely not be ok with it, was testing the waters and feeling vulnerable. Told me it was stupid to even say and apologized.
Sometimes they want or think they want the betrayed spouse to have their own fling so that they never can have the affair held over their head in the future, cuz you got your fling as well, and to alleviate guilt.
I am so glad you asked him directly...good job!
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Thanks TS, I think it was a moment of guilt and a bit of depression. Once I cleared up my confusion to his statement, and he had the opportunity to really talk about what was bothering him, we are good. I think we fall back into old habits sometimes with our communication and have to be cognizant of what we are saying, why and how. We're working on it... :-)
He comes home tomorrow and actually has an interview while he is here. So cross your fingers he gets a job offer and we can move him home even sooner.
Frozen, reading your last few posts in your other thread it sounds like your H has had an amazing turnaround! I've read of a few such turnarounds and all the ones I've read about were genuine, so I'd say there's a lot to be optimistic about Good luck and keep us posted!
