Yes, I almost picked up when she called and then decided not to. I thought I was doing good by declining the call and the reason behind it. And then I almost caved again and called her back when she said it was for the kid. And I thought I was doing good at changing by not caving and standing my ground to just text it.
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
So earlier I start thinking about how I need to get my butt moving and clean up the house.
Good grief! Don't overthink stuff like cleaning your house, just do it! You need to DETACH, that means quit worrying about how she's going to perceive every little thing you do!! Why in the world are you worrying about what she's going to think about you cleaning your house?? Just do it, and do it for YOU. As long as you keep obsessing about her you will just keep driving her farther and farther away. Be strong and independent, not clingy and needy.
Quote:
Her: No its about something for *oldest kid* please Me: Text it Her: Its easier to talk please Me: No, you made me text all those times I wanted to talk to you on the phone or in person. Her: Wow whatever Me: Text whatever it is and I'll look at it Her: Nevermind Me: Every time I get on the phone at work I get interrupted, which is why I said I don't want to keep trying to talk on phone Me: Why are you getting like that with me? I'm willing to see whatever it is you're asking about for *oldest kid). Her: Ok. Need is glasses didn't know if you saw them but whatever. Me: No, I haven't seen them in awhile. Her: K ME: OK, I understand. I can't talk at work, but I'll call you after work. What would be a good time?
Before you do anything like this ask yourself two questions-
1. What is my goal? 2. Is what I am about to do/ say bringing me closer to my goal or pushing me farther away?
Over-thinking, yes, and I'm working on getting focused on other things, even just cleaning. Doing more cleaning at work to make sure I'm busy and going to be cleaning the house to stay busy. After that, at home I don't have the finances to be running around town so I'm probably going to get more engrossed in reading again until I can get out more.
I believe I did better today.
Today while at work:
1:19pm she calls and I let it go to voicemail. No VM, immediately I get a text, "Got a question can u call me please"
1:30pm Her text, "He jw if you know where my bowling stuff is please. Thanks."
2:14pm Her text, "Hello"
2:30pm Me, "On stand next to couch" Her, "Thanks so much"
No further communication for rest of day.
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
I haven't had any contact with her since the last text exchange I posted Fri.
House has been a cluttered mess so I spent all day Sat & Sun cleaning up. Got the Christmas tree down, all the toys left in the living room stacked in the corner. Got the dining room table cleaned up and the kitchen cleaned up a bit. Then I went to work on the bedroom that her and the kids had been sleeping in. Toys everywhere and trash all over the place. Boxed up toys and put in the corner and got all the trash thrown away. Went through clothes in the baskets in the bathroom and put some of their stuff away in drawers and some just left in baskets/boxes and stacked up in the bedroom. Cleaned up my bedroom of clutter and started on some laundry. Sheets and clothes that were laying around in their bedroom had gotten to the stinky point so I'm working on washing that stuff so there's no smell. My bed is made up with the implication that if she wants to come back she'll be sleeping with me, the baby in its crib in my room and boys in their room. If she doesn't want to sleep that way then it's up to her to set up her sleeping arrangements in the other room.
I know everybody says I shouldn't want to take her back and shouldn't if she wants to come back. Where I'm at right now is that if she wants to come back and work on things I'm game and I'll take it slow. If she doesn't then I'm not going to show any neediness or anger.
The cleaning needed to be done no matter what. I keep focusing on that rather than how she might react to it.
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
Good job cleaning up! If I were you I'd get all the toys boxed up. If she asks you why just tell her you're tired of the place being cluttered and since she's moving out anyway you thought you'd help her pack. Remember what picture you want to paint for her:
12. Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
Thanks. I have a couple of reservations about going the route of helping her pack and I'll explain why, just to discuss and try and figure this out. You guys said I can't keep taking her blame and I understand that, along with giving the picture that I'm going to be ok whether she stays or not.
She never felt "welcomed" in the house and felt that it was still my and my ex-wife's house, not our future home. She said things had to be my way and she had to really get on my case for even the smallest change. Then, when things got rocky she said that there were times I was acting like I was trying to get her to leave me. What do I do next? I actually put her stuff outside and tell her to pick it up. So my friend now tells me that she was having a lot of anxiety about upsetting me and me blowing up and also she was afraid of coming home and find all her stuff boxed up and waiting outside.
As I've thought about things I provided plenty of beta financial support but not much else. I've been thinking about the two stories in DR in the "pulling it all together" section. In one the H realizes that while he thought he was being a good husband by bringing home a paycheck he hadn't been paying attention to his family, so essentially he upped the beta with his wife and kids. Then the next story the W finds her H in an A and at first is all needy, but when she backs off and waits him out in a loving manner he finally comes around.
In the beginning, when I first met her, I think I had a good alpha/beta balance. I was assertive and funny but I also offered to do things for her b/c I wanted to, supported her, and made her feel safe. Once she moved in I became a bit more stubborn about things and over time all the alpha made her feel unsafe.
From what my friend has told me OM is laying on the beta thick, so she might be having that EA where I wasn't providing it so this guy is. DR also says to find out what the OP is doing, and while you don't overdue it to fakeness, you learn what they're doing and step up to the plate b/c they're providing something you weren't/aren't.
That's why I'm worried about boxing everything up and saying something like that. If feels like it'll just be like, "I knew it, he never wanted me here".
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
6pm she tries calling me knowing I'm at work. I don't pick up and let it run to voicemail. The texting starts right after that.
Her: hey call me it's about *neighbor*
Me 10 mins later: Can't talk on phone. Please text or I can talk to you tonight or tomorrow after work.
Her: He was asking about the parking spots also what's up with the stuff moved around and *baby's* thing in ur room???
Her: Also have you seen any tax stuff for me
Her: also with all the cleaning that you did you happen to see *oldest kids* reading glasses at all
I go to cleaning while at work and a part time clerk stopped in for their pay so, staying busy was good so that it doesn't get back to her that I was just ignoring her. While this is going on, one of her best friends, who I have met and talked to a little bit one time, came into the store and started shopping. I treated her and the guy she was with just as customers, polite and offered assistance, didn't say anything about knowing her or anything about my ex.
About 7:30 I text back: Our parking is paid up. Our home needed cleaned. Mail for you is on stand in living room next to your makeup case. Didn't find glasses.
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
So I have purposely declined her phone calls while I am at work whether I am truly busy or not because I can't be at her beck and call. I'm establishing a little alpha boundaries and being less available to her. This morning, I was finishing up my coffee and she texts me:
8:49am Her: Hey do you know where my heels are?? The black ones not the black flip flop ones or my black boots? I need them for liberty and u cleaned so I didn't see them
Note: "liberty" is her new job with Liberty Taxes and she is afraid to go in the basement or attic; knew this fear from day one and lots of her stuff is in the attic and washer/dryer is in basement.
9am Me: Brought down the boxes of shoes from the attic. You and *baby* are welcome to join me back in our bedroom, boys back in their room, or you can move things. If you'll be staying here at home with me put your and the kids dirty clothes in the blue basket so that I can get it washed for my family.
Her: Thanks for the boxes. Where is all this coming from now??
By the time she texted back I was in the shower and then getting to work. Since I'm at work I'm not having any personal/relationship conversations with her. At most, when I get home (since, no matter how much I hope she'll be there she most likely won't be) I'll text back with, "Just been doing a lot of thinking." I'm doing better myself since this really hasn't affected my mood, I'm staying upbeat and confident.
Is that a decent, vague enough, response? Establish a little beta comfort without getting needy?
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
