"My IC basically said we got married young and never really dated much so we did not have a chance to grow through failed relationships. We did not get to figure out what we wanted in a relationship and how to ask for it. Basically we did not grow up and now my W is wanting out instead of doing the tough work of looking at herself."
So I might sound too controversial, but part of me does not believe in this. Therapists love to say this. My H has said this a lot. He wants to date other women to learn what he really wants and blah blah. I don't know. That sounds like his "copout." I never had a serious R before I met my H, and I never felt the need to go out and date other men to see what I really wanted. I got married bc I loved my H, and though I didn't like some of his behavior and lifestyle, I never thought of D as an option. So I think for some people, this might apply, but it does not apply to everyone.
I don't think it says you need to try other Rs but rather that we who walked this path didn't really know what we wanted or how to ask for it, didn't learn how to weather failing Rs.
I truly believe this does happen, but it doesn't mean it can't be overcome if, and that's a big if, both people want to work on it.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I don't think it says you need to try other Rs but rather that we who walked this path didn't really know what we wanted or how to ask for it, didn't learn how to weather failing Rs.
I truly believe this does happen, but it doesn't mean it can't be overcome if, and that's a big if, both people want to work on it.
That's exactly it...now we know, now we can ask and now we value ourselves rather than letting an R absorb who we are to the point where it takes us so long to find ourselves again.
We all hope for an R, whether with our spouses or with someone else. But those of us who are willing to do the hard work can be pretty safe in the knowledge that we come out with more wisdom than we went in with, a better understanding of R's and the work they require and a whole new appreciation for how strong and amazing we really are
Tori, she did not mean for me to go get in a relationship outside of my marriage. She did say we can learn the communication skills necessary if we are willing. However like bug and ruby said we have to dig deep and look within us to change. I am convinced people usually choose the path of least resistance or the perceived path of least resistance. It is not easy to look at myself and realize I have done/acted in a way to hurt my wife. This is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life. I for the most part have forgiven myself, now it is time to change the parts of me that I do not like.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
Subguy, glad to hear you've forgiven yourself. That's the most important part. So what do you want to change? I'm working on expressing my needs and wants better, on being more flexible, on not being a perfectionist or a fixer anymore, and on being true to myself even when I know it'll make other people uncomfortable...
Hey Subguy, I only just realized that this is your new thread! :-0
I was also married young. I was 16 when we started dating and 19 when we got married. I don't think my H ever did really grow up. Every time I thought he was growing up, bang he went and proved me wrong.
The desire for a R is strong for me right now. Not necessarily someone to keep me company. I mainly miss the physical contact. I didn't really just cuddle with my H all that much, he wasn't really in to that. It always led to something else, then he was done cuddling. I don't need it but it would be nice though. It's the little things I miss the most.
I think my H thinks he missed out because of marrying so young. I didn't though, I think it all depends on the person. Some feel they missed out on their youth because it was different to most people's. my H hates responsibility.
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
Tori, what do I want to change?? Well, plenty lol: I guess the most important to me right now is listening and validating feelings. I tend to want to fix everything and don't really listen. I'm already working out in my brain what to say to them before they finish. I need to let people know my wants and desires better, I do not communicate them very well. I need to stop trying to control situations and let people live or die by their decisions (not die literally). I need to control my boundaries better and not get resentful when I don't protect myself. If I do not protect me no one will.
SS the desire for a relationship is strong for me as well. I am not going to be romantically involved with someone (if we get divorced) before I marry. I want my new relationship to built on something other than passion/sex (mind you those are nice to have but probably only about 10% of an actual relationship). I am really working on making myself a better person and that begins with discipline. I miss the companionship and being able to just share what happened in my day with someone. Yet, I do not want to rush into another screwed up relationship.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
I have to agree with the whole R thing. I am beginning to miss that connection, which has unfortunately led to more contact woth H than I think is wise.
Good for you, subguy, with the communication goal. I need to listen more as well.
SS, it sounds like our H's are of similar mindsets.
Subguy, the things you want to change? I would like to change the same in myself! I've always said that a lot of us LBS's share similar traits.
We all miss the R thing. Having someone to share one's life with is essential and this is why I intend to find new love in my life sooner rather than later. But it's true we shouldn't rush it.
Subguy, now that you know what you want to change, ask yourself how you'll put this into practice and how you'll measure your progress.
