W will do what she wants. Time for ME and D3 !!

[SM34]

25 once again your insight is extremely valuable. It is good to get a woman's perspective, especially one as knowledgeable (and as blunt, in a helpful way) as you.

Have some follow questions/comments:

I call BS on this^. How would it be ANY better after her affair flames out? (Yes the marriage could be better, but not because of the affair) It's clear she sees NO risk to this, for HER. Only you bear the risk -- of losing her. She doesn't lose you in her equation. NOTICE THAT....

You are right on this point. Definitely. This is the only reason why i have any hope at all in this situation. I feel like she really is undecided. She admitted to me that she thinks if we had gone to counseling just a few weeks before, she would probably be really happy by now because counselor would have told me to pay attention to her needs. But she says unfortunately OM popped up at a bad time and now she HAS to try this.

Frankly i know it is not helping the respect factor and even in the event of R there would be issues with that. I can't remember if it was you that said this, but someone told me my issue would be trust and hers would be respect.

Advina once told me she thought she likes me because i think highly of myself. And I think I do. I am from "good stock" if you will. While that may not have helped me keep my wife satisfied, I think she knows we could fix this and we really would have an awesome marriage. The problem is OM has confused her completely because now she has butterflies and all the stuff that comes with a new relationship.

So my confidence in myself says she will be back. The problem is, as her mother told her, will I be available when she is done with this loser? She is betting on yes at this point. Probably because she knows I have no friends and I'm not very social, and really my family was everything to me. Never wanted to spend any time with anyone else except her and my D3.

So while she is here in the house and co parenting, I need to make it seem like I might be in a position to move on. That is why I act like nothing is wrong around here. It is tough but honestly it is getting easier. I think because again I think highly of myself =). I have faults like everyone does, but she knows I take good care of her in all other aspects. I need to work on the other complaints she had and I'm doing quite well at taking care of DIY things around the house, and finishing projects I started.

Also, looking sharp now and always freshly shaven. I shave my head because I don't have that much hair left. Everyone keeps mentioning changing the way you cut your hair but that isn't an option. She thinks a shaved head is sexy anyone so no biggie. I just shave it closed now so it looks nice and clean.

She may test you out. If I were you, I'd take whatever medication (yes, for ED) I needed to, to KNOW I'd be "ON" for the event. If you have a medical reason not to, then ignore me.

I say this b/c I wonder if your anxiety might prevent you from feeling comfortable, or instead as if you are in a competition, and then you might freak yourself out and blow it.

IS that a possibility? IF so, consider my suggestion.

Do you mean she might make a sexual move sometime and see if I can perform well? I think you are right that might freak me out a little. When you are up against someone knew isn't that a little hard to beat? I mean if I had some new chick I was banging I think it would probably be awesome even if she sucked in bed. We have been together for 14 years, and faithful, so anything warm may feel better temporarily right?

So what do I do? Keep a viagra handy? Hold on I need to go to the bathroom real quick. lol

Anyone tried those gas station pills they sell?

"Yes W, thanks for asking. They ARE ALL working great. You don't know what you're missing..."

You don't think that is pursuing? Its like asking her to try it isn't it? The rules are so confusing sometimes!

Does she need to see me bang lots of women? =)

she needs to FEAR that you will or can.

There is something interesting with this point. The first week after BD I was pursuing heavily as everyone does at first.

After reading DR I pulled back immediately and started acting like I really don't care what she does. She began to warm up to me.

The point related to your comment is that I guess she told her girlfriends I was acting like everything was fine and of course that is a little odd. So she told me "My girlfriends think you must be dating someone, but I told them I really don't think so". So she does think its probably not possible.

I told her I was taking the time to find myself, and find out how i had changed during our marriage and I was not ready for a relationship until I am done redicovering myself.

Should I have said yes there is someone hopeful? It seemed to early and honestly I was a little insulted. Her friends know, and know my family, and know how loyal everyone in my family is. Did they really think I was already moved on after being an LBS for 2 or 3 weeks? Or did she make that all up?

I need to figure out how to make her feel unstable about me. Like you are saying, she needs to feel that it is possible she could lose me. Any suggestions? Is being mysterious enough or do I really need to have some girl friends? In a platonic way of course. I don't agree with opposite sex friendships in a marriage because it spells trouble. And generally she went along with me, until this guy came on board.

You are only as faithful as your options. I need to make her feel I have options. Or is just looking sharp and attractive enough?

This is a real mind game now. Reminds me of a game of chicken.