W will do what she wants. Time for ME and D3 !!

[25yearsmlc]

25, if you have followed to my new thread and I just want to clarify one important point before we move on to me.

My W did not say that it is worth the risk to try out OM. Well not in those exact words anyway.

She actually said:
"There is this guy and he seems wonderful. And there is you who is wondeful to me. But if I don't try this guy I will never be able to be happy in this marriage because I will always worry about what if. But if I try it and it doesn't work out, then think of how wonderful our marriage could be?"


I call BS on this^. How would it be ANY better after her affair flames out? (Yes the marriage could be better, but not because of the affair) It's clear she sees NO risk to this, for HER. Only you bear the risk -- of losing her. She doesn't lose you in her equation. NOTICE THAT....


After their first proper encounter with the comfort of knowing that I know now and it is not "cheating" in her mind, this is when it turned to a PA. That is when she went to see him then messaged me that she will not be coming home tonight and that she will see me in the morning.

I called her immediately and she was angry and screaming and shouting completely out of character. She said it is over and if I want to pack up all her stuff and put outside for her then do it"

I talked her into coming home that night. She came home and sat on the couch and said ok I am here now. She was somewhat calm but the severity of the situation was evident on her face.

I told her that we should try to go to counselling and try to fix our marriage and that we owed it to each other, and most of all to our D3 who will not have a chance at a normal life unless we try.

She said "OM makes me feel incredible. I want 6 months to try it out but I can't ask you for that because you deserve better than that. You are a wonderful person. So I think we should separate.

in fact she IS "asking" you for 6 months or more, to "try it out" but isn't admitting it. She's threatening YOU by saying "give me what I want or I leave..." and she knows you won't call her on it. And you say that often enough, we all know it too.

So don't think she's not "trying it out" b/c that is exactly what she is doing.
Except, she's not "asking"...



OM makes me feel so good and I don;t know how I can give that up. I would have to fall in love with you all over again and I don't know how to do that. Then she busrt into uncontrollable crying.

I made a silly remark that she has to be open to falling in love with me again, and then I will do the rest. Maybe it is not so silling because after all that is what we are all trying to do here right?

It seems typical of affair type stuff. She knows what is the right thing to do which is why she hasn't told her family yet. She has a huge family of about 9 aunts and uncles, 18 with their spouses, and something like 20 cousins. None of them know yet, and I suspect they wont know until she confirms it in her mind that this is what she wants.Her father also does not know. Her mother knows but only because I called her for help that first night and she helped convince my W to come home and not stay the night.


more useless "analysis" of yours..you use it to explain and justify her choices. Why do you do that? We aren't married to her. You are.


She has not mentioned divorce again since that day on the phone during her anger fit.

And She won't mention it b/c she does not need it now. OM only offers her physical intimacy for now.

And she gets the rest from you and d. IF OM wants more or if "They" want more, THEN She'll file...not before.

No need to...and no need to end or change things b/c you are, apparently, letting her do this. Why would she not believe that?

She continues to be very nice to me, cooking, cleaning, asking me how my day went, asking me if I slept well etc..

She has not touched me, but I see baby steps. The first few weeks she was mainting a foot radius around her all the time. Lately i can come near here and she does not move away like I have a contagious disease.

and is this^^ enough for you?


We both went dark on each other for the first few weeks, but then I noticed she began to pursue. She pidked up the texting, first to tell me something about D3 as an excuse, but then how is your day, and what would you like for dinner questions.

25 I have one UPDATE from today that I would like you to comment on since we are suspecting she wants to keep me as a back up plan.

I left for work and then after I got in my car I realized I had forgotten my VITAMINS that I need to take to help with sex drive.

I went back into the house and she was standing right where the vitamins are. I said "I forgot my vitamins that I need for today".

As she moved away to give me room, she said "How are those working out for you?". And she seemed genuinely interested.

Now this is the second time she has mentioned my vitamins. The first time she asked me if I was remembering to take them. Is this looking back? or too early?


She may test you out. If I were you, I'd take whatever medication (yes, for ED) I needed to, to KNOW I'd be "ON" for the event. If you have a medical reason not to, then ignore me.

I say this b/c I wonder if your anxiety might prevent you from feeling comfortable, or instead as if you are in a competition, and then you might freak yourself out and blow it.

IS that a possibility? IF so, consider my suggestion.

Also, what should be my response to this? I was caught off guard and said "Yes they seem to work great. I have much more energy and I am more alert". But I didn't mention that along with the anti depressant (wellbutrin which is NSSRI not SSRI so it actually helps with Sex Drive) I am feeling much more horny now.


"Yes W, thanks for asking. They ARE ALL working great. You don't know what you're missing..."

This might be too much information but I have spontaneous erections now, especially when I first wake up which is something that hasn't happened in years! She used to love it when I don't even wake her up but just attack her in her sleep first thing in the morning ready to go crazy! Then l would shower and get dressed and leave for work. She would text me later saying "Wow that was a wonderful way to start the day".

The last few years i have not had that urge in the morning. It seems to be coming back now. But how can I tell her?

You don't "tell" her that. You either let it show or you stay vague and "content" with the OLD YOU returning...and at some point you're going to need her to know you won't go with UNMET needs forever either.
After all, you deserve intimacy too...


This issue i think is harder to deal with than some of the other issues I have seen on this board. Most people have a spouse who left because they were angry, or inconsiderate, or never spent time with them, or is a drunk, or something that can easily be displayed once fixed.

some leave for purely sexual issues. See some in the SSM forum for that. IF sex is missing AND something else big, the marriage usually ends for good.


In our marriage I can say we had none of the above. We are best friends,

maybe you WERE...but best friends don't do this SM...they just don't.

did EVERYTHING together, travelled, had fun, told each other secrets that no one else knew, We always considered each others feelings and opinions. We are great parents and we share in that responsibility.

We shared in waking up in the middle of the night to change diapers and feed our new born, I changed poopy diapers, i burped her, i bathed her, and I took care of the baby and the house while my W recouped from the birth. i was also in the birthing room, holding one leg! So I take part 100% in my wifes and dauighter's life and I know that was very attractive for my W.

I dropped the ball on the sex part. She said when it was the other way around when we were younger, I atleast took care of you.

I was willing to "take care of her" anytime she wanted, but when I didn't follow up with actual sex she would pout and make me feel bad...not like what I did years ago.

hey-SHE didn't feel taken care of, so whatever it means, the details are not important TO ME. That's all minutiae...what matters is that if you reconcile, you stop arguing with her feelings about sex. Understand her needs and do your best to meet them. Okay?


So the dilemna from the start of my sitch.....

HOW DO YOU MAKE SOMEONE SEE THAT YOU HAVE FIXED OR ARE FIXING YOUR SEX DRIVE ISSUE WHEN YOU CANT PRACTICE WITH THEM.

Does she need to see me bang lots of women? =)

she needs to FEAR that you will or can.

OK so now thats out of the way. Seriously. Time to work on me. So next post is what 25yearsmlc asked me to write about.