Thank you TS. I appreciate your feedback and experience.
I have been trying to be honest with H about my triggers when I recognize them myself. I think he senses them before I do, which was why he was keeping in contact with me the whole time he was out with his friend this weekend.
So, interesting thing just happened and, honestly, I'm really not sure how to take it. H told me that he would be 100% ok with me exploring and 'being' with someone before he comes home as long as I was safe. I asked if it was about leveling the playing field and he said yes, that he thought I might want to do that since he had. How does this thought even enter someone's mind? I don't have any desire to 'get even'. And, even if I did, I wouldn't be in any place to reconcile my marriage and move forward.
Was this just his shame and insecurity talking? Or do guys really think like this?
