Into The Sunset

[25yearsmlc]

Tad,

I THINK I told you this story but maybe not. It hits me now and then when I go into a "what if?" Mode about career choices or marital ones.

I worked one summer in a children w/cancer camp. A 10 y/o girl named Becky told me something I find VERY useful.

She said: "I used to ask God, 'why ME, God, why do I have cancer? Why? Why? WHY??? -- Then I realized, 'I don't know WHY, I just do! So I'm going to have fun while I feel well enough."

And though that was her last summer on earth, it was a great one. She said it was "The best summer of [her] life!" I recall thinking "this kid is wise beyond her years" ...and bemoaning how unfair life can be.

So when I found myself spinning lengthy "Supreme Court" type arguments & questions for why my h was doing what he was doing (and constantly checking MY reasoning for what HE was doing/thinking/feeling,)

or why he should NOT do or feel or think whatever he did, felt or thought, I finally remembered Becky's words to me.

"I DON'T KNOW WHY...IT JUST IS..."

and we have to have fun (=GAL & move forward) while we are here. Since you have sons watching you, it's even more crucial that you simply accept what is, and GAL.

Part of it will help you financially, and that helps other things, & reduces negative emotions, like how I feel better about myself when I am in good shape and older smaller clothes fit me again...


and we hammer the GAL b/c we know from experience, it works.

Trust us on that.

So if you are both Tads, and not one "real sad Tad" and a "fake happy Tad", then why not spend more time being the healthier happier Tad?

Sure, we feel what we feel. I don't suggest repression as a cure.

But I'm telling you Tad, happiness IS a choice and

where the head goes, the heart will follow...if we let it.


So work the DB program - b/c you only get one life and b/c IT works.

Trust us on that, too.

[Soul.Searching]

Wow, 25 what a bittersweet story. Children really can open our eyes sometimes.

[tadpole1025]

Thank you 25. You had told me that story before, but I guess that I needed to hear it again.



Antonia, I read your new thread. Wow. That is what I have been struggling with as well. I'm not sure if it will ever be possible to completely drop the rope.

You know, my X has said things in the past like:

"People get divorced everyday and remain friends."

All I can say is that the majority of the people that DO remain friends is because they BOTH decided to get the divorce and BOTH decided that it would be best. Friends don't do the types of things the MLCer does. Like you said:

Lots of people break up and lots of marriages end, but not for THIS reason.

Anyways, I just wanted you to know that I struggle with dropping the rope as well and still struggle with the question: "Did this really happen?"

Tad

[AntoniaB]

Thanks for reading my thread Tad. I think the one place you and I differ is that it actually doesn't really bug me so much anymore that my XH brags about OW to anyone who will listen. I don't even really feel jealous of OW because the guy he seems to be with her is so despicable and I don't find him attractive--even physically. Apparently she is nearly anorexic and a fitness nut who counts calories and such, and he was always naturally fit but has become insane about exercising and watching what he eats. I had a moment of totally cracking up yesterday when I was making my breakfast, because I used to so enjoy making him a big hearty breakfast, and all I could think when I was frying my bacon and dishing up the pancakes was that maybe, he'd get an egg-white omelet and that awful turkey bacon from her and an admonition to go out and run off what he just ate. It made me laugh out loud and I thought, if he EVER tried to take my bacon away from me, well, you don't want to know the result!

I think where you and I are in agreement is in that feeling of love for the person that our spouses used to be, and I guess that's the operative word, "used" to be, but right now, that's not who they are at all, and our disbelief in the whole situation is what makes us feel we can't drop the rope.

Time will fix it, for both of us, I think. And you know I thought more about the stuff in your book and how you are two people, of two minds. I think there are a lot of times that I will WRITE things like "I know that I will never be with him again" or "I'm too different to be in a relationship with him again" or even "I'm over him", but then later, I won't feel that way, and all I can say is that maybe people who are writers tend to try to write things they want to be true or wish in hopes that if they say it enough, it sticks!

Probably on the days when you are most down it would help to read your own MLC book!! Because in there are things you must have felt at one point.

Glad to hear the books are doing well!

[Kimmerz]

You know what Tad, you're simply still grieving the woman that once was.

The marriage that once was.

That's all. And it's ok!

It's a Bitch! But it's ok!

I think we mourn it so deeply because we still have very much unfinished business with these spouses of ours. And if that's not bad enough they're still walking around "haunting" us, with their weird contacts and such.

Honestly it's would be easier if they had died. I've heard so many people say that. I agree! It's been so painful to see XH act like Old Husband from time to time and then realize the situation we're in now. Like a horrible nightmare you can't wake from.

I agree with how it really is with people that remain friends after divorce. Honestly a mutual agreement and amicable divorce is the only way I can see being friends with the ex spouse. That's how I felt about XH. He pulled the "friends" behavior and just wouldn't leave it alone! But like you, true friends don't do that to others.

[Gettingoverit]

I'm agreeing with you on the "it would be easier if they died" at least there would be no limbo! Although he is still alive and I I still see him and there still is hope. It really does feel like a horrible nightmare,but this is not t.v. Where it was all a bad dream, I wish!

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Antonia. I don't care as much as I used to about her bragging, but I still wonder why she does it. Is it to convince others or herself?

Yes Kimmerz, I am still very much grieving.

A few years ago, we had to rush XW to hospital becasuse she was having trouble breathing. If I remember right, the doctors said that it was probably a really bad anxiety attack. They could find nothing wrong.

So today S20 gets a text from her:

Really important. Ask your father what year it was that I went to the hospital and ask him what year his brother died.

Strange....

They both happened within a year of each other, but I'm wondering what could be so important.....especially about my brother.

Tad

[job]

Tad,
Maybe she brags because she wants to feel important in the eyes of others? She's the only one that can you why she does this.

As for asking about her hospital visit and your brother dying, well, it could be she's updating her medical history and she connects the two events as being around the same time frame.

Tad, wondering why she says and does things is going to drive you nuts. Mlcer do this crazy sh@t all of the time and there is no rhyme or reason to it. You aren't dealing w/someone who has a full deck of cards right now. Just let this kind of crazymaking behavior go. The journey is all about her...not you. You may never know why she asks certain questions and again it's all part of the mlc journey.

Keep the focus on YOU!

[tadpole1025]

Thank you Snodderly. I do still wonder why she does things, but not as much as before.

UPDATE FROM THE PREVIOUS POST

XW texted S20 and wanted him to ask if I would call her. He asked and I did.

She told me that she has been diagnosed with Restrictive Respiratory Disease and she needed the info for a timeframe.

She says that she coughs a lot and can't catch her breath. (She blamed her coughing on me when she was in her anger stages. Hmmm she's still coughing.)

She told me that it impacts her life a lot and told me sometimes that it is so bad that she pees her pants or vomits. (She always seems to give more information than is needed for some reason.)

There was no shouting or fighting.

She told me thank you atleast three times.

She then says "I hear you have a couple of pet rats."

I told her I did and told her that I was training them and I wrote a book about them. A lot of small talk about them.

She thanked me again and told me that she'll bring S18 home later today and said she'd talk again soon.

I said: "Alright. Take care. Tell S18 I said hi, I love you (OOOPS!) and see you later."

"Alright. Thanks. Bye."

I know it was a mistake. It just came out.

Before the call, S22 and S20 told me not to call her because we would just end up in an argument. We did not.

After the call:

S22 "You didn't argue."

Me: "Nope."

S22: "Nice."

I cried. Damnit.

Does it ever end?

Ever?

[job]

Tad,
I'm glad you called her. I thought she needed the information for something medical. Now, you know and can put that question to bed. Well, she can't blame her coughing on you now, can she? Sounds like she's not having the best of times w/the coughing. Hopefully the medical community can offer up some advice and meds to help her.

I think that if you can keep an open mind, eventually the two of you will be able to carry on conversations w/out fighting, yelling or arguing.

All I ask is that you just be yourself and keep your expectations at zero. Does it ever end? If you mean her contacting you...most likely not, especially when you have children.

I use to ask that question quite a bit and my answer was always not until he's six feet under. They do tend to contact you when they need something, especially if it's something from their past that they either can't remember or something you have in your possession. You will need to change the way you look at her and start thinking of her as just the mother of your children and yes, a neighbor who pops in perodically. I know it's not what you wanted to hear, but in all honesty, she still relies on you for things and I don't see that changing after she gets married, but you will need to cut those ties once the marriage is a sealed deal because she will no longer be your problem and I don't think the om would appreciate her running to you every time she needs something.

Tad, it's a long, difficult road that we travel, but we all learn how to navigate it and learn from the bumps and potholes that we fall into. You still have a ways to go and I suspect that your xw is going to be contacting you more frequently until the day of the wedding, if it should even taken place.