Feeling a little tired these days. Wish I could sleep for a week.
Here is a quick recap of the last 5 months: Partner and I have been together for 18 years, the last couple have been long distance due to family and career matters, no children. Partner began to act strange in August 2011. BD was in July, 2012, spent a whole month in denial. Did not find out about OW until September, 2012. The relationship had been going on for at least two months "officially" but at least six before that (according to my best guess and some vague information.
Partner previously indicated that he was "backing off" from OW but I really cannot confirm it nor can I bring myself to completely trust what he says. I want to believe him, of course, but....well, once bitten, twice shy.
Currently, I am doing my very best to follow the 37 Rules. Since my last update I have not initiated contact with the exception of last night. He called five times in three days, so I thought I was safe to return the call.
Last night he sounded very depressed. His mother is having health issues. I asked him why he sounded so sad and he said he just "felt lost" and that his emotions were "peaks and valleys". Then he changed the subject. I did not press.
Nothing about OW. I bit my tongue but I have to confess I am dying to know what is really going on there. It may not make any difference to "us" in the end but I would like to know.
He asked about my parent and how things were going. He said he wished he could be there for me more. I did not know how to respond to that (inside I was thinking how about not throwing me under the bus?) so I stayed silent.
No ILYs this time, just "I feel better when I talk to you."
And so, while the pursuit is all his, nothing has truly changed. Our conversations are never about the two of us, they are about him and me. There has been zero talk of the future, not even of visits nor of any future plans. For now, I am OK with that.
Portia, If your man is in mlce, it's going to take a long time before he will say "the two of us". Right now, he's drawn a line in the sand and it him and you as separate indiviudals and not a couple.
Of course he feels better when he talks to you. He's getting his ego kibbles for the day, i.e., he's getting his shot in the arm w/feel good vibes. He's tapping into your emotional energy and he's zapping it right out of you. He's also checking to see if you are still there waiting for him.
As for the ow, he's not going to bring that subject up any time soon. He's feeling sorry for himself and he's looking for someone to make him feel better and cheer him up because his own mother is having health issues. He wants sympathy right now and unfortunately, you are tapped out because of your own situation. Sounds like the ow isn't providing much emotional support to him or maybe she just doesn't care about him all and is using him for what she can get. It's a very odd relationship that the mlcer has w/their affair partner because they really are nothing more than roommates passing in the night, so to speak.
As for the future, no one knows how it will turn out, least of all him. He's lucky if he can concentrate on things and remember what he did 30 minutes ago.
As for you, keep your focus on you and your parent. Stay strong, have faith and above all else take care of your health.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks Snodderly, the reminder that MLC takes time is a good one for me to hear.
I feel like this whole situation has gone on for ages, when really, his "pursuit" has only been going on for about six weeks. I go through periods of really wanting to contact him (like in the last couple of days) to not wanting to hear from him at all. To say - OK - ME or HER?
Right now I am equally craving a big bear hug from the man I used to know to wishing I could tell him that if he would rather have that other life, it does not include me - the end, bug off. I am not as detached as I would like to be. Obviously.
Especially when he said he wished he could be there for me more. I want to interpret that as caring when it is probably just guilt. In any event, there are no actions to back up those words.
Question: I am trying to improve my "softer" communication skills - when he said that, I did not say anything, mainly because I did not know what to say other than something hurtful - but is there something I could have said? When phrases like that come up, I tend to revert to silence for fear of saying the wrong thing but silence may not be the best response either. Suggestions would be most welcome
Otherwise, life is busy. As I said to xSO, besides spending as much time with my parent, I have been trying to also spend time with friends so as not to become a hermit. He replied (during our last conversation) that he should be doing the same as he was becoming a hermit. Um, don't you have a GF?
BTW, Snodderly, I have to agree with you about the odd relationship between MLCer and OW, even allowing for lies, it still seems an odd relationship to me. I used to think that we LBS's just wanted to believe that things were strange between them, but I no longer believe that is true - they really are!
So, for now, I will stay on the "37 Rules" course which seems to be working both for my own sanity and giving him space to "enjoy" his choices.
Today, I am struggling with not contacting him but then, I try to remember that the person I am contacting is not the person who I am dying to contact - he is someone else right now.
Portia, I feel for you. It's a tough struggle, but you are seeing daylight. You are gaining perspective. And you are right, the relationship they have with OP is "odd" compared to what they stated they wanted and what they had. They are not the same person when in this mode. At least, not the same person we knew. It's why we think of them as "aliens". They are so totally different.
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Question: I am trying to improve my "softer" communication skills - when he said that, I did not say anything, mainly because I did not know what to say other than something hurtful - but is there something I could have said? When phrases like that come up, I tend to revert to silence for fear of saying the wrong thing but silence may not be the best response either. Suggestions would be most welcome
I think you handled it honestly and fairly. You did not know what to say, so you said nothing. I think that's very honest and you should not second guess it. If you can think of something to say, then say it. Just stop before you do and make sure it is what you want to say and that it is not out of anger. Anger won't help do anything but fuel the fire But honesty is always the right way to go. There is no need to be somebody you are not.
Hope that helps. Remember, you ARE worth it. Every bit. This has very little or nothing to do with you
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I have always been a tell-it-like-it-is sort of gal, so keeping any blunt comment I would have made to myself was hard enough. Because we are separated geographically, the only communication we have is by phone. So I am glad that silence is something I can use when I am not sure I can stop the anger. I really would like to have said, "well, that is your choice."
It occurred to me this morning that his EA began over a year ago now and in hindsight was no doubt one of the main causes of his distancing himself from me and from some of the odd things that he began saying. Still, I never suspected that he was lying to me.
And now, I do not trust anything he says, good, bad or indifferent. I know that I am lucky that he is at least not angry with me and no longer spewing.
Yes, I am seeing the daylight. But sometimes it hurts my eyes (very bad for my PMA)! Reality is such a funny thing. There is my reality and then there is his. I know I will be perfectly fine without him, I just really do not want to be.
Portia, How is your family member doing? How are you doing? I hope that you can get some much needed rest over the weekend.
It takes a long time to move forward and see the world in clear glasses once again, but you are doing just fine.
Hang in there. Sending prayers your way!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you Snodderly for asking and your encouragement,
Family member is doing as well as to be expected in the circumstances. So I will be grateful for the positives - there is no pain, full cognizance and no need for any meds. Good days and bad days.
And I am, too. My life feels like a piece of Swiss Cheese with some pretty significant holes. I am losing a person who does not want to leave me and I lost someone who chose to leave. Neither is easier than the other.
Because there is so much quiet time at the hospice, I have too much time to think. I have not heard from xSO in four days which is a new record. And I wonder if that is good or bad? I tell myself that it does not matter, but...it does. The pursuit at least showed that there was some sort of connection. I know that is silly but there it is.
I really want to contact him but I have managed to sit on my hands for the last four days. I just keep repeating to myself that if he really wanted to be there for me, he could be but his ACTIONS suggest otherwise.
Portia, I am keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. It is never easy to watch someone disappear from our lives a little at a time.
Yes, his actions do suggest something different and I'm very sorry he's not being supportive to you.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
My parent is still hanging in there and I am grateful for the time that we have left together. I have not confided this situation as it would only cause unecessary upset. I am grateful for this Board for being my "safe place".
With regard to my DB'ing efforts, when I am unable to post for a few days, I am always a bit surprised at the obvious ups and downs and emotions that only three days can bring.
After six months, I had hoped to be a little more steady.
Had a bit of an awful day on Friday (18th). And even after doing really well and not initiating contact with SO, I fell off the wagon and texted him. Just something funny, a bit of an inside joke. He replied instantly and we kept up the exchange for quite a few texts. I made sure he was the last text.
The exchange was positive, upbeat and made me laugh and for just a little while, I felt better. And then I thought of the GF and of how little support I am receiving from him and crashed. I hate that he has a GF.
So, I put my DB'ing hat back on for the weekend. NC for Saturday. Sunday morning, he sent a text and then 20 minutes later, he called from his cell phone, no message. I wasn't home to receive the call and my phone was off so I never received the text. I dislike getting calls from his cell phone because it means that he is not at home which makes my imagination run wild - is he at her place? Coming from her place? Yech.
I texted back later that afternoon.
At this very moment, I feel ANGRY. Angry at the whole situation - the cheating, the lying, the GF. And I am angry that he thinks everything is just dandy between us. No doubt when his family asks if he has talked to me, he can say yes, we're still friends! No hard feelings! At times (like now) all I want to do is tell him, please do not contact me ever again, leave me alone. I doubt he'd be that bothered. But not only is that my anger talking, it is also my pride. In my hurt state, I want to be the one to walk away from him and for him to have no doubt that walking away was MY choice. That does not sound very DB-ish, does it?
I think I am just frustrated at the moment. I have been reading some older threads and through advice and encouragement given to others, I can see that there are some positives in my situation - like at least he IS contacting me (thank you KML for pointing that out!) and that the venemous spew seems a thing of the past. The truth is though, I wish I was seeing some progress.
But to me, he seems fairly sure of what he is doing - he is moving on with his life and is content to have me as a side bar. Whatever he needs right now, he is getting it from GF. Maybe that is why the desperate contact stopped - they were cooling off but now they are back on.
For now, I will stick to the DB plan and not initiate contact and see where that leads us. Any more suggestions?
Feel like I am in my own spin cycle.
On another note, I don't know if I have ever mentioned this, but in case someone needs some encouragement today, my aunt and uncle separated for 5 years and then reconciled and have been happy and together ever since (about ten years now).
Portia, It is normal to feel the way you do. You've got a lot on your plate and the stress/tension are not helping.
I would continue as you have been. I'm glad he at least has contacted you and not totally let you in the cold. Keep your expectations at zero at all times.
BTW, I'm sure he's told his family that the two of you are friends still. It's difficult to say how he would explain the relationship he has w/you except to say "we are just friends".
Please take care of yourself. Leave him outside to swing in the wind for a bit.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
But honesty is always the right way to go. There is no need to be somebody you are not.