Is it humanly possible to drop the rope?

[AJM]

Throw on top of it an MLC from the truly one person we thought would support our journey and there you have it.

To that I say, what about them? Didn't they expect us to support their journey through life as well? It doesn't look like we expected it to, but isn't it the same thing? I think it is. Letting them go. I mean, truly letting them go and all the junk they heaped on us after throwing us under the bus the wheels on the bus go round and round...), is really what is being asked, right? "Let me go do what I need to go do. I may not be back, but this is something I need to do."

Rarely does a person go from having a spouse who loves you to a spouse who is gone in seconds, unless by accident. There is no warning or build up of fights or attempts to make things work. Six months later I'm still trying to wrap my head around what possible signs there were to equate this. There never will be any.

Never? Be careful with that. I agree we have very little information which makes it hard, but I've found that if I can be still, let go of the outcome, and listen, the answers come. Including if there were any signs, whether I recognized them or not. Never and always are tough words to throw out anymore

I was reading about things that happen to us that we find as a surprise because we don't have all the information. The author used the example of a pig that is about to be slaughtered but doesn't know it....but the farmer knows it. Its only a suprise to the pig. The first 300 days of its life are routine and it wakes up on day 301 expecting it to be like every other day. Day 301 is a huge surprise to the animal but not the farmer. The day H told me he wasnt happy and wanted out was not a surprise to him, only to me. Now I am left reeling and trying to make sense of what he's done. I don't have all the answers because I don't have all the pieces. Maybe 2 years from now I'll be able to answer these questions a lot better.

Maybe. Maybe longer, or maybe sooner. Or maybe, just maybe never and that'll be your choice.

but to know that my XH suddenly transformed into this other person and still walks the earth, that has to be brutal beyond imagining."

I think sometimes I fear that I will end up like her, that I'll never be able to see anyone else as equal to or better than my XH in terms of a relationship. I think this is why I am not dating anyone. I don't think it would be fair to make someone compete with a ghost, so to speak.

There was an innocence to the love I felt for him. I never knew a person could betray another in such a way when I met him and spent all those years with him that were good. Now that I know what can happen, I can't unlearn what I know.

You didn't? All those stories and history, and you didn't know that could happen? Or you didn't think it would happen to you? (I think that's healthy by the way - if you did, you would have not enjoyed any of it, waiting for it to end. Kind of like death - if we fixate on it, we stop living right? ).
It is brutal. Imagine if you still had to interact. I can tell you it was excruciating. I suspect it is still painful for ex. I saw her last night, and I can tell you I am not impressed by her or her new H. At all. But I can also relate to the idea of the lost innocence. That first marriage will always hold a special place for any of us (unless we lose our minds - ha ha) which implies the next relationship can be great, but it will always be "different". Different is not a bad thing. I don't think you want to see somebody as "equal" or "better" than XH. I think you'll be better off as seeing a new relationship as "fulfilling" and "different" and "not what I expected, but I'm grateful to have it and I REALLY enjoy it." It's not about surviving, but thriving. A difference in the perspective in not so many words.

But the first will be like your first true love. There will be only one of those. And it was real, Antonia. It was very real.

My EXW is an exact opposite replica as well. What I'm peaceful about is that Im out of that storm. I remember the good times partly because I'm a positive person and I know the true story, not the one created by her.

I have moved on with my life. It is a totally different life then I had planned but thats what makes it interesting. In the book "peaceful warrior" Soc talks about three things that are universal. Paradox - Life is a study in opposites, humor - it helps you through many situations and Change - nothing is constant for very long.

I have to agree.

Exactly right. And life would be very boring if it were different.

Great thoughts Antonia and everyone. I really am getting a lot out of it. Things I haven't thought about in a while.

Antonia, the thing is, you don't have to stop loving him. The love is different now, though. He is different. You are different.

The Greeks had at least five words for "love", and loving somebody doesn't have to fit the same mold it once it did. I realize how busy you get. How that distracts, but there is more to do, right? We all do. Accept that you have more to do, and that it is OK because each day will have something different in it. You will get the chance each day to choose if that day's events were positive or negative. The next day you can change that perspective as you get more information. But each day you can choose how you see things and how they affect you.

Life is good. Be in it each and every day. Let your XH figure himself out. He has a lot to figure out. And don't be afraid of new beginnings or new people. They'll be different, but that doesn't mean you can't be surprised with something great!


AJ