Humor can be a diffuser for someone who not comfortable "opening up".
STFU for me means 2 things, based heavily on Sandi2's 37 rules (you do have those memorized, right? :
A: I don't initiate conversation too much, just let W know I am available...
"Hi W, want to talk, check in, whatever?" "No? Okay, you know where to find me if you do" Then I go about my business...
B: When she does come around, I stop whatever I am doing (put the book down, turn away from the computer, put the guitar down, etc) and give her full attention, validate, ask questions about whatever she is talking about, etc...basically I put any personal "agenda" aside and it's all her showtime.
So, yeah, if he initiates conversation, ask him how his weekend was, and then just listen, nod head, ask non-threatening/non-R/non-OW questions, let him divulge anything, trip himself up, etc.
Basically be available, but don't "push" to talk, initiate just for an opening, then let him drive...
Snodderly sums it up nicely:
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It's especially important to pay close attention to what the mlcer says and not offer any solutions to their problems. They need to feel "safe" w/the person they are w/in order to open up. They do not want to be judged or talked down to when they do open up. This is where acting as a friend will assist you. You have to become an "outsider" in order to do this. Pretend the mlcer is just a buddy that you see every now and then and not your spouse. If you can do this, you will have a better opportunity to have them open up at some point. Don't push the mlcer to talk! Let them initiate the dance and you follow.
Hope that helps some!
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
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