Make a list of things you've not been able to do or complete and start working on them. Just remember, any changes that you make for yourself must remain permanent and are not done just to get him back.
I think any changes in me will be forever - unfortunately they may include things like not respecting this guy- not thinking he is essentially a "good" person, etc.
i know- sounds very childish doesn't it- thinking in terms of good and bad. but i mean- people who have good intentions and treat people like people. that's all.... respect for other living souls.
So- if i've become more patient in an argument and defend myself less or not at all (still hard to conquer this w/my mom- she sure knows the buttons to push). with H- it falls from his lips to the floor- so much clutter to be swept up later. i don't even feel anything- he acts so "silly" (really).
So- today still i do not have any desire to talk to him or hear his voice. REALLY DON'T KNOW what the heck i am "supposed to do" about it. he wrote an e-mail yesterday saying "do you want to yell at me today or tomorrow". Can he really think this is all a joke? his answer to everything in the universe - joke about it. it is my heart and my , well, pain i guess. it is soooo not funny to me- can't even think of one thing to say in response to that , that wouldn't be totally ratty and bizerk. he was with ow for a few days - i know it - i hate it - i have nothing in the world i want to "chit chat" with this man about.
don't want to fight, accuse, anyhthing. i got nothin. what in the world do i say when he calls today- or i can just not pick up the phone and see if tomorrow makes me chilled out.
he comes back up here 23rd- by the time he is gone three weeks - i'm out of the habit of him in my life- the stress of caring what is going on with him has just worn me out with it- maybe this is the "detach" you all talk about. to me it feels like I don't care anymore- i sure don't feel like answering phone calls for ten or fifteen minutes - like a dog being "walked" and then locked up again.
wtf to do with these feelings- where to stash them so they don't explode? do you just tell yourself to stay steady and not care. do you just repeat this is worth it? or just keep telling myself i can always walk away tomorrow?
just wonder. can you tell i jump out of bed and need a forum fix? oh man- i'm glad it's here- but i think i'm a pretty sad specimen most of the time. I need some contact in my life that badly- and this jerk wants to be all cute about his other life. is it still illegal to just bump people off?
i'm shoved into being like him (gag gag) he runs to his computer for a sex/flirtation fix - i run there for just some human companionship and support. i hate computers - they'll be the undoing of human interaction in the long run.
