The boundary could be that you are not her partner anymore and you need her to stop relying on you as if you were. Should she continue to ask your help, she will have to be more forthcoming with the reason why or you will not reply.
It's time for her to stop using you and start using her own means since she fired you from you previous title.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
I am sorry you are stuggling with this issue with your W. I have to agree with everyone that it is very important to establish and enforce our own boundaries for us and I think you get the when and where you feel you need to step in.
Yet, in this particular case, I agree with bug:
Originally Posted By: labug
Respond with the tag number. You've spent a lot of time on this and it could have been gone in 10 seconds.
I am glad you texted her the number and hopefully that will be the end of it.
Hang in there. I know you are going through a lot of self-doubt and hesitation since your backslide, but you are doing great! Keep reminding yourself of that!
(((((((((NG)))))))))
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
SS, it is always so nice to hear from you. You are such an inspiration to me.
And yes, KG, you hit the nail on the head, i have been doubting myself a lot over the last few weeks.
I was really thrown by the texts. I had started to feel good again last week and then I got angry with myself that the initial text brought up so many feelings again.
But all in all, I had some really good moments this weekend where I felt so happy and free. I am sure those moments will continue to increase.
Thank you, dear friends.
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
NG, You have to give yourself some patience here when it comes to your heart healing. Until the D is over - every conversation is going to feel like you are ripping a band-aid off of a wound.
There is just no way around it.
I like what SS said and it's completely true.
Boundaries are scary because you need to stick to them (for awhile at least) and then deal with the consequences.....
... and most people don't like them. Because it usually requires some work for THEM. Not only for the LBS but for the WAS as well.
And unlike us, the WAS HAVEN'T been looking in the mirror during this whole process.
So they get angry and push or whatever.
Be prepared for that. There will be alot of feelings that come with creating boundaries.. but in the end.. it is truly about protecting your heart at this time.
((( )))
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
"Be prepared for that. There will be alot of feelings that come with creating boundaries.. but in the end.. it is truly about protecting your heart at this time."
I agree. Creating and maintaining boundaries is not easy, but it'll help you now and in the future, bc even if you end up back together with her, you will need boundaries.
thanks tori and val for helping me think about boundaries.
i went to get a mammogram today and who was there, yes W.... and it is not like we live in a small town or anything, we are in a city with 400,000 people.
i recognized the curve of her back sitting in a chair in admission, that is how well i know her. i found out she was there getting a CAT scan but i was not sure why.. so i waited for her afterwards. i kept changing my mind about waiting and was about to leave when she came out.
i asked her about the CAT scan and she said that the Md is concerned about continuing blood and bacteria in her urine so he/she ordered the CT scan.
she said that we would talk soon and then saw my face and said "probably not" and i blurted out "probably never." i am not sure why i said it, i was not angry at the moment, it felt more like the reality of our situation. i could tell she was angered by my statement. she was walking to her car then and i asked her if she would update me on the scan and she said she would.
now i feel badly for what i said... any thoughts on if i should explain or apologize?
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
You're spewing pain. This needs to stop. It doesn't do your sitch, but more importantly YOU, any good.
She knows she hurt you - she's not dumb. She's just not at a point where she wants to do anything about it... and until she does... it's all moot.
All you can do is keep the road home paved and smooth. That does not mean that you can't close the door whilst you heal.. but expressing your pain through a surface feeling like anger is just adding stumbling blocks. Who needs those?
Should your wife ever decide to look your way - she will have plenty of stumbling blocks to overcome. All the ones she created herself.
I know it's hard but darling.. you need to STFU!
As for the apology - I truly believe you should apologize when it's warranted. Regardless of the outcome. Regardless on if it hurts your DB strategy.
but if and ONLY IF, there are no expectations behind it and I don't know if you are in a state of mind right now to clearly do that.
So what's going on NG??? What's triggering these backslides? Start there and you can move forward.
(((( ))))
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
oh val, i wish i knew, i wish i knew. it just flew out of my mouth and i do not even know why i said it, i wasn't angry, i was calm, it just felt like the truth to me at that moment... i know, i need to STFU.
i think it is related to me knowing that she is starting the 2nd phase of the D papers (because of her text about the car) ..
when i saw her a few weeks ago, she said that she still had doubts about the D and she mentioned that they were not big enough to change direction but that she may go to therapy on her own
so much happened in that conversation..she said that she really did love me and had written that letter last summer saying that she didn't in order to help me move on....
that what she has with OW is not as deep as what we had...
that things might have been different if, when the attraction to OW began, I did not make her choose (she had just come back a few weeks earlier to work on the M and I told her that she could not work on the M with me while getting to know OW)
i told myself not to give credence to anything she says but perhaps i allow myself to get caught up in all that confusion and end up not knowing which way is up... she is fine and i take on the chaos.
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
