Sexless marriage. H Left. Now retrouvaille in 3wks

[AM2012]

Just made him angrier with me.

[AM2012]

Maybe it's just Too late for us. Whether this is honest or not, h said he has planning his exit for 5 years so to him this is a done deal. He has 5 years to think about it, but I have only had 5 months.

[Juanton]

Just made him angrier with me.

Sorry to hear that.

[Accuray]

That's very typical that the WAS contemplates their departure for months or years before they tell the LBS. During that period is when they are very vulnerable to affairs which then make everything worse.

Did you read "The Sex Starved Marriage" by MWD?

It would be worth a read. My marriage was sex starved and I can tell you first hand that it is very damaging and builds deep resentments -- but it is not all your fault, you are taking on too much. You felt neglected in other ways and were not getting your needs met either. SSM is a symptom of a negatively reinforcing cycle of not getting your needs met which leads to sexual withholding and emotional distancing which makes your needs even less likely to be met which leads to resentment and therefore more withholding and around you go.

Your H is incredibly resentful and that's not going to move out quickly. Chances are that you are very resentful as well but it is masked by grief, guilt and loss.

If you haven't already I think you need to speak your peace with your husband and then let him do what he will. It's the only way he may someday return -- drop the rope now.

I would tell him that you would like a new marriage with him, including a fulfilling sex life, that you recognize the pattern that drove the two of you apart and now feel that you have the tools to manage it. I would tell him that you regret your part in this, but that it was not borne of spite or selfishness, but of hurt and deprivation. I would tell him that you understand that he harbors anger and resentment and that you are sorry about that and understand that you both have to live your lives. Tell him that you wish him a rich and fulfilling life, preferably with you, but even if not you are confident that you will be okay.

[AM2012]

I have read just the first chapter of SSM. I will definitly read the book. Can this actually be fixed? A sex starved marriage of 6 years? He has build such resentment towards me.

Should I start posting on the SSM forum?

[flowers4me]

I have been more of a lurker on these boards for several years, but I do want to tell you to not give up. My H moved out Oct 2011 after years of MLC behavior and the roller coaster ride from He#@. We went to Retrouvaille Feb 2012. He participated but acted like it was stupid and refused to go to the follow-up classes. He continued to spew and say he had been miserable for 25 years and only stayed because he didn't want to leave the kids, yada yada. I GAL and worked on me. I had been taking the blame for everything and believing his lies. I realized I had my issues to work on but I was not responsible for all the issues. I finally got a backbone and set my boundaries and stuck to them. I continued to pray for him and work on me. He filed for divorce in June 2012 and our divorce was final in Oct. We had very little contact from March until Dec when he called out of the blue and wanted to get together to talk. He talked for 3 hours and apologized for all the grief he had caused the family and admitted that most of the spewing was lies. He was depressed and was lashing out at me for all his problems. He said he wanted to try to be friends for the kids sake, but he wouldn't want to work on rebuilding the marriage. I agreed to be "friends" and make things more comfortable for the kids, but not change my boundaries. We made it thru the holidays and no contact again until last week. He came over and said he had been going back to church and he felt God was revealing how wrong he was and he wants to see if we can try to rebuild the relationship and get remarried. We are going to take things very slow. I want to go back and take the follow up classes but we haven't gotten that far in the discussions yet. Don't give up until you feel right about moving on. Only you can know what you should do. Trust yourself.

[AnotherStander]

Flowers, that's great stuff! Best of luck to you!!

Regarding RetroV, W and I attended this past weekend as well. It went quite well for us, I think W had a real emotional breakthrough and started opening up to emotions she's kept bottled up inside for many years. She's now talking about working on the M and is committed to continuing the RetroV path and the followup sessions.

AM2012, one of the presenting groups in our session had separated 3 times. The H left and moved in with OW in another state and filed for D. He later reconciled with his W and then he did it again- moved out and filed for D. They reconciled again, and he did the exact same thing a 3rd time. This time his W told him that if he went to RetroV with her and still didn't want the M, then she would grant him a D. So he went for one reason- to end his M. But something changed that weekend in him. He stuck with the M. They had MANY ups and downs and in fact didn't go to all the followup sessions. They ended up going back to RetroV a year later and started the process all over again, "we did it the right way that time" is what they said. And they've been more happily married since then they ever were before, and it's been SEVENTEEN YEARS since they took RetroV. So you just never know what may happen. The seeds have been planted with your H, maybe they won't grow, but maybe they will. In the meantime you need to focus on DB'ing, giving your H time and space, and working on GAL for yourself.

[AM2012]

So happy to hear this news another stander. Thank you flowers. It's inspiring to hear and good luck !!

I just got back from yoga and I had I think a revelation. I am by no means a therapist, but this weekend H told me that in high school he was rejected by every Girl. He never had a girl friend and would cry himself to sleep. This made me feel so sad to hear. at yoga today I wondered if this terrible rejection he felt in high school is contributing to the rejection he has felt from me and that is why he is having such a difficult time getting through some of this and why the rejection he feels is running so deep. How could someone that loves you reject you?

I also realized at yoga today that I am not to blame for all this. I have taken the blame for everything even this weekend in hopes he would come back. This blame is eating alive and it needs to stop.
H goes to see a therapist in wednesday. Hopefully he got something out of the weekend he can discuss with him.

[AnotherStander]

I also realized at yoga today that I am not to blame for all this. I have taken the blame for everything even this weekend in hopes he would come back. This blame is eating alive and it needs to stop.

I think most of us can relate. You have to forgive yourself, and it takes a while to get there. Then you have to forgive your spouse. This doesn't mean actually telling them you forgive them (but it can), it just means letting go of the blame. When you find yourself in that position, it will bring you great inner peace and the ability to move on with or without your spouse.

Your spouse also needs to forgive themselves and forgive you, but that's their journey and nothing you can do or say will help them along that path. Some people never do forgive, and they never let go of the bitterness either.

[AM2012]

I have a question regarding DB ing.
We sold our house right before H moved out and have been living in a very expensive rental house for 6 mths. My lease is up in 2 mths and I would prefer to invest all this money into purchasing a home for myself and the girls.
How would this work with DBing? We currently still share all the money.
If I suggest this I know H will throw it back in my face saying see I knew you wanted out bla bla. How do I handle th $$. Do I ask for seperated accounts right now. Despite all the stuff he said this weekend he will take forever to do it and I would like to get out of this hose and start to move forward whether its with him or not.