Sexless marriage. H Left. Now retrouvaille in 3wks

[25yearsmlc]

Feeling so anxious right now.

Let Retrovaille do its' job. Trust it.

Let go of your worries.They do not serve you well.

IF & WHEN you make the changes you truly want to make on YOU, and become the best YOU that YOU CAN BE...

you'll have to leave the results up to God, and go forward, in peace.

Make sense?

[Breakdown]

I know you are already on your weekend now, but I'll respond anyway. Hope you enjoy it!

Breakdown, did you see a difference after RetroV? I am definitely prepared to work and hope that H will as well. do you know what triggered you W to say that this past weekend? Was this something that you were shocked by or did you feel that this was inevitable?

Yeah, I think retrouv helped....even though W said she didn't buy into all of it, she said the communication pieces were useful. She said she was more able to discuss her feelings afterward.

I think our big problem was that I had huge expectations, and based on what she wrote and shared, I thought she was going about it half-assed, which just pissed me off. I was hoping she'd forgive me during that weekend, but she didn't. I was hoping she'd choose to love me, but she didn't. That's why I say focus on you and keep your expectations in check...everyone's pace is different.

For this past weekend, the trigger was our first court date Monday. W filed in Sept after a big fight and as awesome as I thought things had been over the last few months, the court date forced a discussion about D and M which W has a difficult time with.

[25yearsmlc]

Breakdown, I've posted a few times about Retrovaille. Did I post to YOU about it?

If I had, I'd have made sure to tell you NOT To care or notice or even be aware of what your spouse is doing or getting out of it.

Seriously, it distracts and often undermines our view of them, so OUR WORK is affected too.

In case someone else can benefit, I'll use this post if that's alright with you.

I know you are already on your weekend now, but I'll respond anyway. Hope you enjoy it!

Breakdown, did you see a difference after RetroV? I am definitely prepared to work and hope that H will as well. do you know what triggered you W to say that this past weekend? Was this something that you were shocked by or did you feel that this was inevitable?

Yeah, I think retrouv helped....even though W said she didn't buy into all of it, she said the communication pieces were useful. She said she was more able to discuss her feelings afterward.

Interestingly you say nothing here^^ of what YOU got out of it in terms of improving as a partner. Just what she said, that she got out of it. And that was presumably right then at the end or shortly after. For me, I had some revelations weeks later as did my h. And we did the follow up program that comes with Retrovaille.

May I assume you did not do that follow up? It is SO HELPFUL...

I think our big problem was that I had huge expectations,

2 comments. It's important to watch out for that, but note, secondly, that your expectations were OF HER...and that's not what our focus is supposed to be when we work on our marriage. WE are our work.


and based on what she wrote and shared, I thought she was going about it half-assed, which just pissed me off.

so you did some mind reading, instead of your own work AND THEN you got angry - which hurt your own efforts at improving as a h. Is that accurate or fair to say?

I was hoping she'd forgive me during that weekend, but she didn't. I was hoping she'd choose to love me, but she didn't. That's why I say focus on you and keep your expectations in check...everyone's pace is different.

wow that is a lot to expect to happen in 72 hours. IF she had decided she WANTED to begin the process of forgiving, that might have been more realistic but even then, it's interesting that your focus was not on what YOU could to do reassure her so she'd feel safe enough to forgive.

A big reason some do not forgive, is not always anger but FEAR...


For this past weekend, the trigger was our first court date Monday. W filed in Sept after a big fight and as awesome as I thought things had been over the last few months, the court date forced a discussion about D and M which W has a difficult time with.

can you put the focus back on YOU and what YOU are doing to GAL and become the man you want to become?

it's all you control, after all...

[Breakdown]

Thanks 25...I appreciate the input and agree with a lot of what you said.

In an effort to not hijack this thread, I'm going to copy your comments to my own and reply there.

[AM2012]

So I am back and one thing I can say is the program is wonderful and I recommend it for any married/seperaterd/divorced couple. You could see the transformtions of couples by sat night. Unfortunately for me my weekend did not have a positive transformations, however the complete opposite. My H can not get over the past. He told me that he has been planning his exit from for 5 Years. He told that he will be moving out again, getting his own place and getting a separation agreement.

So what on earth do I do now? I am really struggling.

[AM2012]

I should mention I am not willing to give up yet.

[FloydMan]

Wow. I am so sorry AM. I heard that too last summer ... The planning of exit for 5 years. I was PO'd when I heard this myself. This is where I felt so used. I mean, planning it for 5 years? First of all nothing seems planned...we are a mess. W is a mess with no reall set plan. flying by the seat of her pants. nothing organized and going on a whim. though more is done and organized. Also I don't really believe the 5 years because W had contradicted that statement several times....all through the begging etc. she was planning more future life stuff than exit stuff pre-May. i think it is a cop-out statement but perhaps mostly the thoughts crossed their minds that long ago. Used because it seems we were working to their timetable. It is selfish.
What do you do? Same as me I guess and keep DBing and GAL. Detach more.
I have also heard that some of what people learn at RV can hit them sometime later. Are you doing the follow up sessions of the program?

[Melting]

AM, do you think it may have been overwhelming for him, to take the kind of look at himself and your relationship that he had to do this weekend? I'm wondering if his responses are automatic deflections because it was just a lot to take in...and maybe he isn't ready to accept some things about himself?

Not sure, btw, I haven't been to Retrov, just researched and read what folks here wrote. So no expert by any means.

Take what you learned and be thankful you had that opportunity. I know it's not the outcome you were hoping for right now. But that doesn't mean it won't get there.

Hugs to you.

[AM2012]

He has not decided if he will attended. Before the last session today he decided that he would move out and not continue with the program that day. I left and asked one of the speakers that I felt we had a connection with to speak with him. He came back to the last session but was PO. I decided not to ask him if he will attend the final session as I don't want to add any more fuel to fire. I will be going even if I go alone.

Friday night was fine but when the topic if intimacy came up on Saturday is when it all broke loose. He was livid that I have deprived him of a basic need for so many years. He still feels like the victim and sees that he's been the perfect husband. Even though I have described and explained why I did what I did, he can't get over it.

The stories we heard this weekend were much worse than ours, however he feels we had the worst. According to him he is the only one who has been deprived of intimacy for this long. The scares are too deep that they can't be healed however the presenters ths weekend all healed even one had been divorced.

[Accuray]

Did H get anything out of it or did it just make him angry?