New Day Rising 3

[greatwhitenorth]

Hi all

Figured I'd pop in and give a little update and maybe get some feedback.

2013 has been great so far. I love my new job, although it is quite busy. I met with a real estate agent, and have decided I'm not going to sell my house yet. Not particularly interested in losing a pile of money, plus I hate moving and have adjusted to the daily commute.

My husband sent me a Merry Christmas text and a happy new year text, which was nice. They both came early in the morning so clearly he was thinking about me first thing.

And then things got a little...sticky. I had asked him where the boat was stored, because the separation agreement says it's to be kept on my property. Either he told me the wrong name or I misheard him, but I decided I'd do a little drive by, only to find that the boat wasn't where I thought it was. Of course I suspected the worst, that he'd lied, so I texted him to ask him if there's anything he wanted to tell me about the boat. He said no, then we discussed its location and he told me where it was. We didn't discuss fault because it really doesn't matter. What matters is my suspicion and mistrust. I hate feeling that way. It was this that made me say with finality the following morning that he has to get my name off the loan. I can't do it anymore.

So his initial reaction was anger. He said "fine, you take on the payments and sell the boat." I said, calmly, that no I won't be doing that. Then he moved into saying we have to wait until spring because we don't have any pictures. I said that I have pictures. Then he said that we won't get much for it now, and I said that I would be going with the number in the separation agreement and that we shouldn't use a broker. We ended the call with his resignation to having a conversation with his bank in a couple of weeks.

A few minutes later he called me back asking if this was about the winter storage misunderstanding. I said no, that it was about my reaction, that I don't like feeling suspicious and mistrusting, and that he's been gone almost 18 months now, and that I've been in this house alone longer than we were in it together and it's time for me to move on. I cried a bit when I said this, and he choked up too. We ended our call.

A few minutes later he called back again and said that he knows I'm not doing this to be mean, and that he understands that I need to just move on. I told him I love him and want him to have everything he needs in life to be happy, and cut the call short by telling him I was out the door to pilates.

So three days later he texted me to see how I'm doing. I texted back that I was at the gym and would contact him later. About three hours later I texted him that mostly I'm good, but that this whole thing makes me sad. I said that after 18 months I've done all I can and have to pack it in.

I asked him how he's doing. He said that he's ok, but was making sure that I was because he doesn't like to hear me cry. He thanked me for helping with the boat.

I told him that I didn't know what to say, that I'd cried an ocean of tears. At this point I also told him about his mother saying "maybe he found his soul mate" when he cheated on me and that she helped him leave. He had no idea, only that she was very mad with him. I find this quite strange. I said I didn't know why I felt the need to tell him this now, maybe it's that I had nothing to lose. He said he didn't know what to say, and I told him there was nothing, that I was only painting a clearer picture of what I had to contend with, that she abandoned me too.

He thanked me about the boat again, and said he knows I have done all I can. I asked him what he thought I meant by that, and he said it means that I need to move on with my life, from the pain, and that I tried to give him more time and now I need to be totally apart, no ties.

In response I told him that I have supported him from afar, preserved his relationship with his daughter, been kind and generous, not begged or pressured, defended him to people who love me, and yes helped him with the boat. I wish I had said that I had hoped he would see what kind of mistake he is making, but I don't think it matters. He probably realizes that.

He said that yes, I have done all of that and (this is the kicker) still helped him in dealing with his issues (he has books I bought for myself since he told me about it after he left, and has opened up to me a little bit at a time since then). All he can say is thank you, that I have done so much.

At this point in our 45 minutes of texting, he called me. We talked for about 20 minutes then. It was I think the nicest, most open and honest, closest and trusting conversation we've ever had. We didn't talk about us, except the boat a little bit, but mostly about what he's going through. He said he's asked for a transfer at work, that it would mean working stat holidays but that he didn't care. It's really negative there now and he's sick of it. I'm suspecting this means there's serious trouble in paradise. He also is planning to go back to the therapist he was seeing before we met. This is the first I heard of him seeing a therapist. I asked him if it was while we were together, and he said no but that he should have told me. I didn't judge but just said it's OK, that he wasn't ready.

He really, truly was hiding all of this from me. He thought he could get through life not facing it. He said he's been in denial and drank to numb. I just listened and told him that he's a good man with a big heart, that he's always been kind, and that if he needs anything from me to let me know.

This was just four days ago. I haven't heard from him since. So my sense is that after 18 months separation he's coming out of it. I know his crisis was going on much longer than that. I have no idea and no expectations around what this means for us. Unless and until I hear something tangible from him about reconciliation, I plan to stay the course of him getting my name off the boat loan and me filing for divorce immediately after. The time line is May. I'm going to get the paperwork in order and let it sit. I still will not file jointly. As a friend of mine said on the weekend, he can catch up with me later if he so chooses. It's his risk and loss if I'm not there, but I can't sit and wait.

So there it is. Any thoughts are welcome.

Hope all are well here.