Grizz I am in a similiar situation as you and I feel your pain. I have always been the provider and my W wants out, and I too feel like if I do say or act then I am a doormat and she will take her time and leave when she has all her ducks in a row. She currently doesn't have a job but she has started to make some financial seperation such as her own cell phone and removed her car from our insurance.
The way I look at things right now is I am giving myself and her time to sort things out, it does work both ways. Even if I had all the finances figured out and I could leave tomorrow I don't think I want to. At the moment she is probably expecting me to move out and I am slowly working on it but I am working at about the pace she is working on getting a job to support our current and agreed upon finances.
I have struggled with the idea of dragging my feet because I worry W might see that as me forcing myself to stay ect ect. But also if I leave quick and let her crash and burn she may resent me for allowing that and I don't want that especially with our kids staying with her half the time (we agreed to 50/50)
So I am playing it by ear right now and I am trying to come up with more ways to GAL while still spending the time I can with the kids. Hang in there Grizz I will add you to watch and we can help keep each other in check.
Rick
- To be the Person, Father, and Husband I have always wanted to be -
Me:28, W:26 M:8, T:11 D5 & S2 Wife told me she wanted D in December 2012
That is what I keep thinking. She is just buying time and trying to make it as pleasant around the house as she can just until she can get out. Which I don't like. Feels like I am being used. She says she is still not sure what she wants to do. Says even if she had the money she is unsure if she would leave. Says she is torn. I'm not buying it. Guess there is nothing I can do about it either way though. As we say, I can only control my actions not hers. Thanks to both of you for the feedback.
Actually she may really feel that way. WAS's are often very confused and in turmoil over what they're doing internally even if they act cool and collected on the outside. I don't think she's using you, I think she really is confused and not sure that she's doing the right thing. Just stick with your 180's, use this time together to show her a transformed you. Even if she does eventually leave, whatever time you've spent showing her the new you will be what she remembers leaving. IE, she'll be much more inclined to miss the new you then the old you.
Well here I am again with the thought that my detaching is going well. I have been able to talk with her (small talk) without having any thoughts or feelings in the back of my mind. Previously I had trouble talking with her because my mind would wonder to our R, mind reading, etc. The down side is she has been sleeping in another room all week but just now she came in our room and kissed me goodnight (a real kiss on the lips, not the " I love my family member kiss" on the cheek). SO FREAKING CONFUSING! We have been around each other more recently which she seems fine with. GALing tomorrow night with my girls which they are so excited about ( as am I). Good luck to all and thanks for all of the support and information.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
It is indeed confusing, but just keep in mind that it's also totally normal for your sitch. It's part of the script. Here's something Accuray posted a while back that I think is helpful:
Quote:
Another thing to expect is that your wife will run "hot and cold" -- she'll be nice to you one minute and the next will shut down hard. This is extremely confusing. Here's what's going on -- your wife will "try on" being nice to you to see how it feels, or if she gets comfortable may slide back into a familiar partner role. At some point she'll catch herself, will worry that you'll get the impression that everything is now "okay" when for her it is not, and will then make sure to demonstrate to you that everything is NOT okay by shutting you out and pushing you away. That's all an inner dialog so to you it just looks completely confusing. If you expect it, you'll enjoy when she warms up and won't worry too much when she goes cold.
It's tempting to get into a mode of catastrophic thinking -- that each time your wife goes cold you worry it will stay like that forever, or "oh boy, this is it, she's gone!" That leads you to panic and overreact. This is a roller coaster, and there will be very dramatic highs and lows. The best thing you can do is try to stay near an emotional baseline. If the WAS bounces between 10 feet up and 10 feet down, the LBS tends to go 25 feet up and 25 feet down in response. Your goal is to go 5 feet up and 5 feet down instead. Take the long term view. Easy to say, hard to do, but if you know what to expect things get easier.
That is dead on. It amazes me how similar alot of the WAS's actions are. It really does seem like she does want to show how everything is not OK after showing some vulnerability. As always thanks for the reply.
Still kissing goodnight and goodbye. Initiated by her 80% of the time. I guess I will just go with it unless a start getting a bad vibe from her. So hard to figure out the right thing to do.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
Well wife had been in another room for the past week. Returned the past 2 nights to our room. Long story short, we ML last night. Contact initiated by her. Afterwards however she cried. Conversation as follows: Me: what's wrong W: nothing Me: do you regret doing that W: no Me: then what is wrong W: I don't know Me: do you want to talk about it W: no End on conversation. She falls asleep up against me. She has not been as distant today as in the past following ML. Not sure what all of this means. I have said it a hundred times and will probably say it one hundred more but I am so confused. I will say that I am definitely more emotional since last night. That really hurts the detaching progress. But I have not pushed or asked anything today. Not being clingy. Sandi if you read this I would love your take on it since you had some insight on the sex topic before. Also, anyone else that would like to offer some insight please do. Good luck to all.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
I feel like you are describing a carbon copy of what has been going on at my home. The similarities are striking. We even have two young daughters like you. And I, too have been struggling with GAL and spending time with them, in addition to figuring out how to "detach".
My wife has told me she no longer feels the same about me. ILYBNILWY. Said she feels trapped. If she could support herself, she would go for a separation. We have been in separate bedrooms since early November. At one point, she told me she missed sex and thought we should make some kind of arrangement for it. We made love 2x after that and then she said no more because it was weird.
She gets irritated with me when I am around the house. Says that she likes when I am gone on business trips. However, when I left on my last trip and I just said "goodbye' from the door, I received a text the next day telling me "you could have kissed me goodbye, I wouldn't bite". Last week, she asked me to lunch. If I ask her out, she just ignores the invitation. Very confusing behavior.
I too am going to add you to my watch list. I just made my first post about my situation. It's titled "New Club Member Here". And thanks, Another Stander, for your input. You seem to really know whats going on.
Well wife had been in another room for the past week. Returned the past 2 nights to our room. Long story short, we ML last night. Contact initiated by her. Afterwards however she cried. Conversation as follows: Me: what's wrong W: nothing Me: do you regret doing that W: no Me: then what is wrong W: I don't know Me: do you want to talk about it W: no End on conversation. She falls asleep up against me. She has not been as distant today as in the past following ML. Not sure what all of this means. I have said it a hundred times and will probably say it one hundred more but I am so confused. I will say that I am definitely more emotional since last night. That really hurts the detaching progress. But I have not pushed or asked anything today. Not being clingy.
Grizz, she's no doubt still going through a lot of emotional turmoil and constantly wondering if she's doing the right thing or not. As a recent participant in RetroV I would highly encourage you to check into it, I think it could really break some barriers down between you and your wife. One of the comments I have after having been through RetroV is that in your above convo, instead of asking her "what's wrong" you might try asking her "tell me what you're feeling right now". "What's wrong" is a question that implies something is wrong with her and puts her on the defensive, thus the "nothing" response, because if she answers you otherwise then it implies that there IS something wrong with her. But if you ask her what she's feeling, she may be more inclined to open up to you about her feeling and emotions. And if she does, remember not to reason/ explain/ justify/ agree or disagree. Just validate. "It sounds like you're feeling "------", I can see why you feel that way."
Tell her this. Go up to her and tell her that you understand what she's going through and that even if she can't talk to you right now, you just want her to know that you are there if and when she's ready to. Then give her a big hug and walk away.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Thanks guys for your input. The not saying" what is wrong" makes sense. She has been back in our bed all week for what it is worth. She still makes passing comments about leaving however. I don't necessarily acknowledge the comments, I just continue on with the conversation. One thing I am having trouble with is how to detach when wife is being friendly and affectionate ( laying against me in bed, kisses goodbye and goodnight). AS: I know you said you went through ML initially following BD. how did you deal with that? How did you detach?
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
